Adventures in Thailand!

Mixed spirituality

2007-10-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

My understanding of the other half of the buddha's teaching on absence of a creator god: there is no individual self. "We" are just the result of habitual reactions to our environment--sensory stimulus, conscious awareness, conditioned response of liking, disliking, or neutrality. We grasp, crave, and cling to keep stimuli we like, feel aversion towards stimuli we don't like. Buddha taught these reactions of craving and aversion are the source of our suffering--all is as it is. There is a time for compassionate intervention to correct ignorance, but it is nothing personal. No individual self, no immortal soul. When there are no more conditioned responses, only moral actions flowing from wisdom in the present moment, we are free of the bonds of our kamma and can then choose to dissolve the body-mind through physical death and mental liberation into nibbana (nirvana), or stay alive in this body and just hang out in bliss, or reach out and teach others like Gautama the Buddha did.

Raised Catholic in a predominantly Christian country (USA), ideas of no-self, no-soul, no-sin (only ignorance) feel revolutionary and are difficult to grasp. My tendency is to focus on the similarities--perhaps the imortal christian soul returning to God is the same experience as the illusory individual mind returning to the emptiness of Nibbana? Talking with friends and family back home, I've been reconsidering the truth in Jesus's teachings and the wisdom that may be available by reading the bible and (re?)developing a personal relationship with God/a higher power.

I was sitting on a plane yesterday--still such a surreal experience for me...journeys that once took days, months, or years are crossed in the span of hours! As we taxied out to the runway and I watched the ridiculous amount of air-traffic through LAX, I wondered about the impact of jet exhaust on the temparature of the atmosphere and global warming. I wonder if anyone is studying this, but not quite enough to do a library search yet or contact my atmospherics prof at UCSC...

anyway, I was sitting on the plane and praying for guidance to realize God's will in my life--a bit of an awkward process as I return from 9 months in Thailand trying to figure out what the Buddha was talking about and if no-God no-self feels true in my personal experience--but at the end of my little prayer, I bent down and looked at the floor under my airplane seat and found a 1" tall gold-colored pin of an angel carrying a small harp...Be an angel unto others. Sounds good to me for now.

Clarity

2007-09-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just re-read marecycles.blogspot.com--an incomplete narative of my cycle journey half-way across Utah in March of 2005. Then re-read bits of Wan Phra remembrances...I saw much more clarity in the previous journey, following my heart across the desert of Utah into the unknown, than I see in what I just wrote about my home-coming from Thailand. What will it take to get me back on track to following the guidance in my heart? Ask with grattitude, and a way shall be made...

Wan Phra remembrances; grattitude to teachers

2007-09-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Judging by the moon, looks like yesterday was Wan Phra lek--a buddhist holy day celebrating the quarter moon. I fed my friend's horses dinner and walked across her backyard in the moonlight with a touch of nostalgia. Missing the flowers, candles, and incense I would have offered to the Buddha in the land I called home just two weeks ago. I remember my teachers with deep grattitude as I transition back to "regular" sociaty. The Abbot's 84th birthday is tomorrow--many happy returns to Ajan! I hope the festivities run smoothly as thousands of monks, nuns, and lay people from all over Thailand come to pay respect to him. I am not there to help, but I offer him the growth in my heart and progress in the purification of the mind in place of my physical presence. Much as I struggled, I am grateful for the blessing that he took me in for those 7+ months.

I am also grateful to be home. Returning to the states, the first few days were strictly survival-mode as I caught up from 11 hours of cumulative sleep in the previous 6 days. I felt relatively functional except for one day--a much quicker recovery than my last return from Thailand, where I was mentally infused with molassas for about a week! After this recovery period, I reveled in "freedom" as the 6th and 7th precepts went out the window. Nothing too crazy, just singing to myself without guilt and eating dinner again coupled with frequent grazing in over-stocked American snack-drawers, panteries, and enormous refridgerators. ;) I had some concerns what friends would think of me returning home 30 pounds lighter than when I left, but looks like that's not going to be an issue anymore. d'oh.

I'm still acknowledging some and walking and sitting about 20-30 minutes a day. Keeping 5 precepts pretty well. I do occassionally miss the simple robes and the alms rounds, meditating full time and participating in the quirky temple community. I also feel happy to be back amongst friends and family. I think I made the right decision to come home. We shall see what hindsight reveals as I continue down the path. I'm wanting to do another 10 day meditation course, but I think I should get back to the Utah desert first. I think it would help. I still don't see the "point" of existance in this body-mind. I still itch to get moving (probably heading to central america with some friends in November--Costa Rica, maybe Honduras, and Guatamala). I still long to see a deeper truth.

Malls I do not miss. My friend and I went to a mall to buy her 5 year old son a birthday present. That was sensory overload...The terrible piped music, the garish contrasting colors, the salespeople waiting like sharks for unguarded passersby...yikes. The worst of it was eating "lunch" in the "food" court--an island of tables and chairs surrounded by about 20 fastfood chain restaurants. I got a falafal gyro and my friend bought her kids corndogs. We ate our meal surrounded by a group of disabled adults apparently on a field trip and numerous young couples with strangely colored hair and piercings all over their faces. Grossly overweight American zombie-consumers abounded and fear began to well up... I tried to acknowledge seeing seeing seeing, hearing hearing hearing, feeling feeling feeling--bring my attention to the present moment and its transient nature, but it was overpowering. I couldn't stay in there long. I was so grateful for my first breath outside again. I miss the desert.

So I guess I'm still succeptible to my environment. Emotionally, I feel much the same as I did in Thailand. Much more stable than before I left. Much less overall anger. Still some sadness and fear. Still feeling a bit aimless and dissatisfied. Still walking the path. Trying to explain what the buddha taught to friends and their families (some of which have never heard of him before). I imagine the feelings of a Christian missionary in the remote lands of SE Asia as I bring home the message of liberation and the path to get there as I learned it in Thailand as taught by the Buddha so long ago.

I thank Phra Chai and Phra Noah for their teachings. They are a big part of my life-changing experience in Thailand and my time as a Buddhist Maechee. I am very grateful for all you've taught me so far and hope the lessons continue until I get it.

On the path to liberation, may you be well and happy and peaceful!
Thank you for your teachings to me and to all your students,
much as I complained and still have doubts, I am grateful for the positive change.
You are doing great work for the minds of this world.

A Stop in Seoul and Settling Stateside

2007-09-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I no longer feel at home in southern california. Flying into Los Angeles, my guts said YUCK! Get me outta here!!! I think I want out of this whole world, though, not just any geographic place. Shortly after arrival, I headed south to visit one of my oldest friends. I am having fun riding her horses and playing with her kids. Her son's 5th birthday party was yesterday and it was good to catch up with her family. They are Christian and hoping I will find solace in the scriptures in the bible...I am appreciative of truth in any form and welcome all teachings crossing my path (with a healthy dose of discression). In trying to explain Buddhism to them, I think I talked too much about the idea of Being Nobody, Going Nowhere rather than Do good, Avoid evil, Purify the mind. I still have to develop a good 2-minute version of my experience in Thailand...

Seoul was very nice to visit, but I don't want to live there. Too many tall ugly buildings. I like wild places. My neighbor at Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong gave me a map and suggested some places to visit on my stop-over, but I cleverly packed said information into my checked baggage which I could not access in Seoul (oops), so I spent the wee hours of the morning reading tourist information and studying the maps provided at the airport while the sun climbed out of bed and into a gorgeous cloud spotted blue sky. Just before I finished reading the literature, the women working at the tourist info counter arrived and helped me before they were officially open. I explained my interests, and she circled the main temples in down-town Seoul, wrote down the English language guided tour times where appliciable, and showed me a more remote old-style temple which I decided to visit first. She gave me a map book that included some essential Korean phrases (I tried to learn Thank you, but was not very successful) and a beautiful color booklette about Korean food including some recipies I'm excited to try. She even wrote "vegetarian" on a little paper for me. Very helpful!

I took the express bus into town, walked around the narrow streets and sleepy markets a little, found a small breakfast shop where I got a veggie sushi roll, miso soup, and some pickeled radish slices for 1000 Won (about a dollar/40 Bhat)! I felt pretty satisfied, but I bought and ate a second sushi roll because it was really yummie and cheap and I didn't know when I would next get the chance! This drew some funny looks from the women running the shop, but my tastebuds were happy. I then took another bus up a hill to a Mahayana temple with some Beautiful lotus ponds and coincidentally (synchronicitously?)arrived just in time for the mid-day prayer service. About 13 middle aged women were following a big mahayana monk in chanting, so I pulled up a mat and tried to do what they did. It was very different than the Therevadan morning and evening chanting I am used to. Much more rigorous (with standing and prostration meditation chanting as well as sitting!). I got tired!! funny...

Then I went and hiked up the "mountain" behind the temple (ele about 1800' I think) and down the other side to the subway. En route I met several very nice smiling korean people, including a man with a California tee-shirt on, so I asked him for directions to the subway. Turns out he did his grad work in Economics in the states and he was headed for the subway, too, so he helped me find it, as well as a yummie restaurant where I could find vegetarian bimbibap (spelling?)--a traditional korean dish with lots of veggies and pickeled seaweed and a fried egg over a bed of rice served with two kinds of kimchee (pickeled cabbage), one of which was too spicy for me to eat, even after 9 months in Thailand! Very yummie! Satisfied again with my meal, I bought two more veggie sushi rolls for an evening snack and headed back to the subway which I rode over to the royal palace (I forget which one). I arrived during the changing of the guard and marveled at the incredible number of enormous (2-4' diameter?) trees that went into the palace's construction. yikes! After wandering a third of the grounds and looking around in some of the ornately painted buildings, I ran out of time and left early to catch the train back to the airport to finish the long flight home to the states (spending 11 hours on the plane and arriving in LA 3 hours before I left Korea, thanks to the time difference and the international date line).

I am happy to be back on familiar soil and eating familiar food. Last time I was home, thai food still seemed like a tastey idea. This time around, if I have eaten my last Thai meal ever, I feel ok with that. ;) I'm very grateful to my friend for giving me space to relax, more than enough horses to ride, and even a few house and horse chores so I feel useful but not stressed. I am looking forward to going back to the Utah desert...Another friend has offered me a place to stay on her horse ranch there and I am excited to relax and mediate for the winter. Maybe I will work on my book about this journey...I am feeling more settled, and also beginning to get restless and wanting to move on again.

back in the states and a bit overwhelmed

2007-09-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've gotten about 11 hours of sleep total in the last 5 or 6 days--the homeward journey began at noon thursday a week ago when two fellow nuns drove me into Chiang Mai from Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong (about 50 km/28-ish miles) to cancle my non-immigrant visa at immigration. I finished my Reiki 2 certification and got a ride to the bus station where I bought a first class ticket to Bangkok. This means there was Thai karaoke playing on the bus's TV, but only for a few hours and it wasn't ridiculously loud like on the dreaded VIP busses...I was in one of the 4 front seats above the driver so I had some extra legroom. It was a pretty sweet ride, really. I managed to sleep a couple hours, anyway. Then I ordered a police clearance from the Royal Thai Police Headquarters in Bangkok (required if you want to work with kids in some states and you've lived outside the country for more than one consecutive month), went and had a skirt taylored by a woman with a sewing machine set up on the sidewalk (fun communication adventure there--thank goodness for pictionary!), bought a CD/DVD/VCD/mp3 player (malls--blech!), and wandered the streets of bangkok for a couple hours, got a thai reflexology foot massage (home work, you know! good to refresh one's skills before returning to practice), and then it was time to catch the bus across town to the new airport.

The first leg of my BKK to LAX flight was a 5.5 hour trip to Seoul, South Korea with zero sleep. My neighbor at Wat Phradhat lived in Seoul for 3 years and kindly drew up a map and gave me some information, but I accidentally put it with my other papers and into my checked baggage it went! d'oh! So I went to the closed tourist info booth at the airport and grabbed some brochures and maps to look at as the sun rose over the trees outside the terminal window. By the time I finished perusing the brochures, the counter was open and the very energetic and kind counter lady helped me find some attractions I'm interested in. I went to a mahayana prayer service midday at a beautiful temple in the hills above Seoul after a $2 sushi breakfast with two big veggie rolls, a small bowl of miso soup, and a small bowl of pickled radish! suhweet! I then went to the royal palace, where I decided to sit and meditate for about 10 minutes. In that time, I estimate 6 or 8 people came and took my picture! Including one person with a fairly expensive sounding camera that took about 8 or 10 shots. I did not look up. I then wandered the streets of seoul a bit, took the subway to the train to Seoul's new international airport to fly to LA overnight--11 hours with probably 4 hours fitfully sleeping in travel class? The last leg of the journey was a walk to the airport bus to the metro green line to the blue line, walked two city blocks (a half mile?) to a bus that got me within about 1/4 mile from home. I dropped my stuff, headed out to dinner, and then stayed up till 3AM visiting with my dad and then getting orientated, slept 5 hours and that brings me to now.

phew. More when I recover the brain power to organize thoughts in some rational fashion.

Disrobed and done!

2007-09-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm officially disrobed. I did ok for the first half of the ceremony, but one of the monks said something to his neighbor (I think about the way I was holding my hands?) and laughed and I got confused and started crying...that's ok. It just means I still have work to do. :) My teacher was very supportive and the abbot isn't really phased by anything, so no biggie. I have begun offering little gifts and saying goodbyes and everyone has been really supportive. They all ask when I'm coming back and then send me off with well-wishes. Buddhists aren't too attached to much, so my going is just another phase in the cycle of life. The temple will adjust. Life goes on.

Free thinking mind

2007-08-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

So I am a 27 year-old American-born woman, ordained as a therevadan nun in Thailand. I love reiki, baking, healing, helping, peace.

The time has come to return home and roll on into the next journey. Thank you all for your support. Grattitude at this level cannot be conveyed in words...you'll see it in my eyes when we next cross paths. much love, all! --Maechee (for another 5 days...) Mare :)

See it, Know it, Watch it go!

2007-08-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

Great Dhamma book by Jeff Oliver. This Australian man has spent most of the last 11 years in the world of Vipassana meditation, ordained for 8 years while studying primarily in Burma, and now teaching all over the world. These are some quotes from his book I really liked:

Forgiveness Meditation:

In many ways, intentionally and unintentionally, I have caused harm and suffering to other beings.
I freely forgive myself.
May they be free of their suffering.
In many ways, intentionally or unintentionally, I have caused harm and suffering to myself.
I freely forgive myself.
May I be free from suffering.
In many ways, intentionally or unintentionally, I have been harmed by others.
I freely forgive them.
May we all be free from our suffering.

Questions to calm the mind and focus on the present moment reality:
What is happening now?
What am I doing now?
How do I feel now?
What's this?

One thing at a time:
While you're doing this,
don't worry about that,
while you're doing that,
don't worry about the next one,
one at a time.
See your mind worrying about the past, things that are gone.
See your mind worrying about the future, things that haven't happened yet.
See your mind and body in the present and relax.

Vipassana, A recipe for wisdom:
See it, means to pay attention to anything that naturally and predominantly occurs in your body and mind in the present moment.
Know it, means to try to understand whatever you pay attention to. If you don' t understand it at this time, you will later on. Keep trying, please be patient.
Watch it go, means to not only let it go, but to continue to observe and know how your phyical processes and mental states change, naturally.

All conditioned things are impermanent.

Whatever comes to be,

ceases to be;

this is a

natural

law.

The Beauty of Almsround

2007-08-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit confused, but well. The heart guides one way, the life is lived another. My conditioning from the last few years says this is not a good thing. My guts twist up just typing it...There is a lot more calm and love in general daily life as a result of continuing the practice here, though. The heart keeps patiently, yet insistently speaking Japan, Japan, JAPAN. I am to go and just let the journey unfold as I did here in Thailand. My teacher is still waiting there.

In the mean time, I have done another yanna course (I swore I wouldn't do another one 3 courses ago...) and I'm really enjoying being a penniless beggar (I made a promise not to use money two weeks ago and should technically have waited another two days to come do email, but my impatience is borrowing from the kind email lady...).

Almsround is SOOOO awesome! I get to walk about a mile--mindfully, acknowledging the step of each bare foot as "right goes thus, left goes thus," this takes about an hour. I go by myself in the quiet of the early morning, leaving the temple just after dawn at about 6:30AM, I am free to explore Chomtong Village's nooks and crannies. I have "discovered" several cute tiny schools (wondering if they need English teachers?), many beautiful little canals, and at one end of town, the houses open up to rice fields in the forground of some very beautiful lush karst mountains off in the distance... It's nice to get the exercise, be by myself for a change, feel the freedom of choice in at least one aspect of my day, and have the opportunity to offer blessings to the almsgivers. Such a beautiful process. I actually have more faith in Buddhism seeing it practiced by the laity than by the sangha in the temple. Is this as sad as it feels like it should be? anyway, progressing on.

Whatever we think, speak, and take action towards is what manifests. It's nothing personal. Drop the ego. Live in peace. One breath at a time.

Anger and Creating True Peace

2007-08-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

I was reflecting today on why I felt so unhappy growing up. My mom tells me I was a very calm baby, but I don't remember much before about 4 years-old. I remember being quick to anger a lot when I was young--I remember my mom telling me what "good mad faces" I was making to make me laugh, which I did, but then I was frustrated because I was feeling anger but unable to express it. I believe my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time. It took me 25 years to find a guide in Utah, and this vipassana work, to develop skills to deal with Anger.

I strongly recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's book Creating True Peace--it should be required reading for all beings capable of reading! It's a very direct, simple guide to handling strong emotions in daily life and cultivating respect, compassion, and loving kindness in our hearts. In this life, I've had a lot of confusion around my strong emotions (and there are many); where they came from, and how to just be with them and let them go I think is the main source of my unhappiness. Since on a superficial level, external events often seem to trigger strong emotions, I got into the habit of criticizing my external environment as the cause of my suffering/emotions, and therefore I decided maybe there was a geographic "somewhere else" that would not trigger them so I could be happy. Thus the thought pattern "I don't want to be here anymore" evolved and started carving a groove into this mind. Being here meditating in Thailand has helped me see all this. Watching What the Bleep and The Secret and learning how the mind creates the external environment laid a good foundation for the meditation work I'm doing. What a powerful tool Vipassana is.

That's my best synopsis from this vantage point. As wisdom develops, perhaps more will unfold. For now, I am training myself to just keep doing what needs to be done in the present moment and let everything else go. It is a much simplier, happier way to live.

What makes you feel good?

2007-08-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

A good friend recently sent me this: eating ice cream makes me feel better, but it does not make me feel good...so what makes me feel good?

I thought that was an awesome observation and point of reflection. Off the top of my head: Hiking, singing, baking, giving (time, stuff, inspiration, etc), listening, loving, biking, talking with friends about spiritual/heart stuff, swimming, eating good healthy food in moderation, yoga, meditation (when it doesn't suck...). These things take care of this body and mind and make me feel good. It's interesting to me how many things are on that list above meditation! and how many of them I do exclusively at home and cannot do at the temple without breaking my monastic training rules... My favorite good-feeling generator is being of service to others from a pure hearted place in myself, which I can do here at the temple. Life here is frustrating to the hilt at times, that's sometimes the fastest way to grow. I know I am still in the right place to learn right now. Thanks for your support, everyone! much love to all. :)

Living in a Grateful World

2007-07-18T03:38:00.000-07:00

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your determination.
Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.
Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.
Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent.
Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.
Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have incresed your wisdom and concentration.

Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm and Resolute
and Helped in your Achievement.

--From the teachings of Venerable Master Chin Kung

Monastic living: pros and cons

2007-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I have a theory that Earth is a cosmic insane asylum. Temples in Thailand seem no exception... It's been very educational to watch my neighbors and the behaviors they choose day-to-day...and the results of those choices!

It's entirely possible leaving will leave a hole in my experience that I'm not anticipating...I think that depends a lot (entirely?) on the mindset I cultivate in the last of my time here. I have a lot of grattitude for all I've learned here, for my teacher's unending patience, for the support of this community that welcomed me as a foreigner and supports all my physical needs on a donation basis. I believe our experience in this life is energy. I believe the energy of the environment affects the energy of the body. It seems important in today's world to develop the power of the mind to guard our "selves" in whatever energy field/environment we find ourselves in. As far as choosing a place to live and a way to be in this world, I think it's easiest to feel love and joy in loving joyous places. I believe this is why the desert is such a healing place. The stillness and purity of the energy cycles of wild places...reminds us of who we are underneath the civilized, cultivated, often neurotic venier...Leaving this temple is just another step on a long journey home.

There are tremendous dangers in being an imposter of any sort, religious or otherwise! My intent in ordaining was 1) to get the visa to stay longer, 2) to deepen the meditation practice, and 3) to experience monastic living. I chucked organized religion in 4th grade when my Catholic elementary school principal told me humans are superior to other living beings because we have an immortal soul and they don't, specifically that my horse didn't have a soul. I said BS! I have never viewed humans as superior. Quite frankly, I think we've f'd things up for ourselves and all beings and the world would be better off without us and our cities, cars, airplanes (all of which I live in, use, and am grateful for!), shortcutting nature's cycles (ie storm drains and waste water treatment in most big cities shortcuts the water cycle), and toxic pollution of our air, soil, and water...superior schmerrior! I thought Buddhism might be different since the Buddha's teachings are non-descriminatory and available to all beings: Life is suffering, and there is a way out (develop virtue, concentration, and wisdom). He advised against rites and rituals and advised us all to walk our own path in harmony with others. My hope was that a religion based on these teachings would feel different than what I had experienced in the past, but it seems the male-dominated, money-driven fear mongering is here, too. *sigh* So to bring myself back in line with my own integrity, I feel more and more strongly that I need to get out of these robes.

I do like many aspects of monastic life, and I believe the theory is good. Renunciation, take only what you need, spend your days in quiet contemplation, do what needs to be done to take care of the body and the community, drop everything else. I have issue with the rampant gossip tollerated in the sangha, the lack of independence and the gender inequality (I have to ask the abbot for permission to travel, I cannot go alone; as a woman, I'm not allowed to meditate alone in the forest, nor even in a group of women if there is not a monastery near by (monks are encouraged to do this)...Maechee aren't technically even ordained. A male meditator (also 8 precepts/training rules) has higher status than an "ordained" Maechee by virtue of his gender). I wonder if I could just live my own form of renunciation and what that would look like. I have benefited in sense-restraint from wearing these robes and guarding my behavior to conform to the expected norm of a buddhist nun in Thailand. It's nice not to have to think about what to wear in when I get up in the morning (except to choose which of my 3 skirts, 4 shirts, and 3 robes to wear...generally only 1 or 2 are clean anyway...). But these robes and this shaved head are just another role to play in this world. Just another form.

Someone asked me about fear of damnation...I do not believe in damnation from anywhere outside the mind. The Buddha taught mind is the for-runner of the world. This is also the point of The Secret and the Universal Law of Attraction. The possibilities expanded in What the Bleep...We litterally create our experiences by what we think about. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts are unforgivable and you deserve to rot in hell for eternity, that will probably come to pass. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts were the best efforts/choices you could make given the circumstances/information you had, if you have taken steps to make ammends where possible, and forgiven and let go for yourself in all cases, you will be forgiven and live in peace. "Hell" is a concept of the mind. So is "Heaven." There is no blackboard in the sky that says Joe Schmo, Hellfire and damnation for 30,000 years...the only way Hell can manifest is if you create it for yourself. Forgive and let go. Satan is only as powerful as you allow him to be.

I am only just now discovering the blessings of Jesus's teachings. I was baptized at about 4 (one of my earliest memories, though I think I didn't really understand what was going on) and received Holy Communion and First Confession, went to Catholic school for 9 years, but I would not say I have ever been Christian, as that requires an understanding of Christ and his true teachings I feel I have never had. In High school AP European History I learned more about Catholocism and what people have done in it's name...that was very enlightening as to why I felt such rejection of the "faith" I grew up with. I look forward to learning more from ACIM when I get home.

I feel called to walk this path of contemplation informed and guided by my own heart more than the experiences of others. Others and their ideas/communications of truth/teachings can be a tremendous support, but ultimately we all embody our own consciousness, our own habitual perceptions, our own thought habits. We all have to walk our own path. I am getting closer to trusting myself instead of always looking outside for the answers. I am also learning patience to be with the questions themselves, which is tremendous grace! The letting go is still difficult. How to balance action which is needed to receive the gifts of the universe with surrender to higher guidance and the truth of each moment?

The mental image of the Buddha attacking Christ has gone away. Only saw that one maybe 3-4 times? Just acknowlege seeing seeing seeing. Like all conditioned phenomena and mental formations, it has passed away. I am not conscious of a fear of damnation in the eternal Hell after death sense...I believe I have done and continue to do as much service as I can and try to live kindly and lovingly day-to-day in line with virtue and integrity as much as I can. There is still some fear of judgement from others and myself, which I guess according to my own words above is a form of hell...I have lived feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness for at least 10 years. I cannot remember a time when I felt truely happy or like I fit in this world growing up. My own way was (and still is) rarely in line with others and their choices. With time, I am coming to value this more and more as a good thing and not a detriment. Changing that inadequate thought habit is a challenge though. I find sitting by flowing water to be tremendously healing...

I feel if I stay and continue in this practice and really give up "my" mind to the present moment, I will lose "my" life. When I tell my teacher I am afraid of this, he laughs...not out of cruelty, but because this is the point of the practice! He says he I am like a person wandering blindly in a dark tunnel. The practice brings one closer and closer to the light. Once I really see what is there in the light, I will lose my fear of leaving the dark tunnel. I wonder if the practice is really about this...what if it's just accepting the tunnel as it is? Just another experience?

Stream reflections: Mind is like this...

2007-07-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

I certainly misunderstand many things in this world. That's why I'm here!! lol... How to see clearly?

I was sitting this morning by a little river/storm drainage ditch that runs through the temple. I switched back and forth between closed eyed inner awareness and open eyed outer looking for an hour (would I give myself this time to reflect back home in the states?). I watched lights arise and pass away in the mind. Felt the abdomen rise and fall and the touch of hard concrete under my seatbones and ankles. Heard sounds of birds, doors, insects. Felt ants crawling under my robes (difficult to remain still and mindfull then)...I opened my eyes and saw light and shadow dance on the stream's surface ripples. Saw the brown murky water carrying silt particles and rotten leaves of various geometry, size, and stage of decay doing summersaults up to the surface and then passing back underneath the stream, out of sight. All things in the stream (including molecules of "water," just "hydrogen" and "oxygen" linked by energy--all energy forms themselves!) traveling along in the flow towards who knows where (a bigger river and ultimately the ocean...but out of my immediate sight). Flower petals and tiny leaves fall from the trees above and float lightly along the surface, rising and falling, rising and falling; rolling along above the wavelettes. What is it to see the stream?

I think to myself, mind is like this. Pure at the source, unseeable, unknowable except through the light it reflects, the shape of the channel it flows in, or the impurities it carries along the journey to the ocean. The Buddha's way teaches going against the current. Purify and return to the source. Rumi says let go and follow the stream to it's end, the ocean--also the source (for headwaters are only the surface appearance of rain, condensation of ocean water raised by the sun). It's all linked in the unending hydrological cycle. Is there really a way out? Is that really the goal anyway? Maybe this life really is just about letting go, loving all the other "water molecules," "silt particles," and "decaying leaves" in the stream with you, and enjoying the journey!

I wonder what it's like to be around me these days. Mostly, the women at this temple are not trustworthy, the monks are not to be associated with, and so I keep to myself. In spite of the 4th precept to abstain from harsh speech, gossip, lying, slander, etc, this is a human society and gossip is queen.

I've been laughing at myself a lot these last few days--it's been nice. :) The epic "struggle" to get out. Of these robes? of this sexist country? of this self-depreciating mind? of the habits that keep "me" rolling in suffering and chaos? My intent for this year is to disolve the ego and know the truth of this body-mind...This stage towards that goal is believing what I want out of is this body-mind and it's tortured terrestrial experience, which is ultimately only torturous because of conditioned habitual perceptions/reactions. (My teacher says as long as there is body and mind, there is suffering. But I don't understand--wasn't the Buddha and all the arahants that became enlightened before and after him free from suffering? Pain, certainly, but the whole point of walking this path towards insight is the end of suffering! But they still breathed and spoke and walked around in their bodies...how can that be true? Can't we choose not to react and therefor get free of suffering while still living in these bodies and minds?) Seeing my self-defeatest and doubting thought patterns arising again and again from who knows how many lifetimes back. Contemplating the possibilities if one chooses to see love and beauty instead of hate and fear. Mind creates the world. What if I let go of creating suffering? Just love and bless everything! Let go of everything. Perhaps it is enough to just sit alone and breathe. Maybe there does not need to be more than that...

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here on this planet again. I have the distinct sense I've been a Thai forest monk, but I left something undone. Or perhaps kept trying to end the cycle through doing instead of complete unequivocal surrender? Live love.

I look at the delivery truck driver that just pulled up at the shop next to the internet patio. I wonder what he would think of these musings? What energies his thoughts are devoted to...I hope it's a good thing we all live on different thought planets...

The Abbot's Dhamma

2007-07-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

I talked to my abbot last night expecting to take about 5-15 minutes of his time...an hour and twenty minutes later, he was still patiently addressing my doubts and explaining the dhamma to me! Much of what he said made sense. To be careful not to run away from a Tiger into the mouth of a Crocodile (problems we do not stand and face just show up down the road in other forms) and I said I know, I've been doing that for years. He said Mara (the Buddhist personification of temptation) is whispering in my ear. I said I know. I said I would practice about it for a few more days and he said good. He did not give me permission to disrobe, but he also did not say I could not. He said Mahayana Buddhism will get me to the goal of liberation from this suffering body-mind, but it is a longer road.

I am beginning to see that the suffering I've been sitting with in this practice is not because there's something wrong with the practice, but because I have such a long history of thoughts and speech conducive to suffering (I hate my life, I don't want to be here anymore, etc...) and now I'm sitting and watching the kamma bear fruit. I feel though that these thoughts are born of fear and the opposite of fear is love. Cultivating loving kindness has been so powerful. I think more of that will go farther to balance and liberate this mind than continuing to sit in suffering until it eventually loses power over "me"..."me" IS suffering!! How does seeing that clearly help me to let go?? oy. what a task this spiritual journey is. Thank God for spirit, cuz otherwise none of this life makes any sense (and the Buddha denied the existance of spirit, as far as I can tell, though there are angels and heavenly rhelms, so...???)...

To disrobe or not to disrobe (mental images and the Belief-O-Matic)

2007-06-30T03:33:00.000-07:00

Time seems pretty irrelevant these days. One present moment unfolds out of the last, and so the days progress. I've been ordained over 5 months now and I feel my time as a nun is coming to a close (see my Belief-O-Matic results at the end of this email). My teacher said I have to ask the abbot's permission to disrobe and he's on bedrest to recover from eye surgery until July 15th, so I'm not sure when it will be possible to talk to him... I am feeling like I should be out of Thailand en route to Japan by July 14th! And I don't want to make plans to leave until I have permission to go...My teacher gave me a challenge to be as present as I can in the time I have left before I leave (hopefully this means he thinks I'll be able to go!). That was wise of him. I'm a rise to the challenge kind of girl, so I'm doing the best I can.

I'm back from the GORGEOUS forest monestary I visited last week (http://sanku.sirimangalo.org/gallery). The teacher there is a Canadian monk who's been ordained 5 years here. My intent in the visit was to learn from a western buddhist as a last-ditch effort to see if Therevada is right for me. He has an amazing unshakable faith in this technique (though he teaches it in exclusion of all other paths...I remain wary of any spiritual path that preaches it's the Only Way). Talking to him and practicing in that beautiful quiet environment (sooo different from Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong (http://watchomtong.sirimangalo.org/)) planted some good thought seeds and gave me some energy to continue to try, but I returned to my home temple with a strong resolve to disrobe and get out of this religion and this country, at least for a while. I told my teacher here at Wat Phradhat that I'm grateful for his patience, guidance, and the growth I've experienced here, but I just can't grasp some of the Therevadan teachings at this time. It's kinda funny...I've become more inclined towards the teachings of Christ (especially as revealed in A Course In Miracles) since I've been ordained as a Buddhist...

Some neat stuff has been coming up from the practice over the last few months I've been meaning to share: mental images coming up in the meditations beginning with an opening of the heart center. I get this felt-sense of warmth rising up through my whole body and often tingling all over. Then the heart opens and a brilliant white light shines out. The first time this happened, a series of about 20 winged-sufi hearts flew out in a line from my chest, circled around my room for a while, then flew off into the temple and the universe beyond. Another time, I saw a vision of a fat, sky-blue buddha, lauging and reclining among white clouds. This felt like a realization of my compassionate Buddha nature. He appeared in my meditations sporadically for 3 or 4 days, then one day about a week later the image sortof froze, became 2 dimentional, and began rotating. It looked like he went from an animated heavenly being to a cardboard painting. After a few revolutions, the edge of the "cardboard" image shrank to a point and *blip*, disappeared. I haven't seen him since. Frustrated a bit with the Therevadan Buddhist teachings, ya think? There have also more recently been images of Jesus's serene face appearing in the light from my open heart (either wearing the crown of thorns with blood dripping down his temples and into his eyes, or clean and long haired like the Sacred Heart portrait), teaching about universal love and compassion and unity. I cannot hear his voice, but it is my felt-sense that this is the teaching he is giving. While Jesus is talking, out of the sky-blue background, I see Gautama the Buddha sneak up on Jesus and whack him one on the back of the head with a 2'x4'! ouch!

What I'm feeling about Therevadan Buddhism is they pass on the Buddha's teaching of individual liberation from suffering through dispassion towards and disenchantment with this world. From what I've read outside the Therevadan tradition is that Buddha also taught a lot of loving-kindness, joy, and compassion for others that seems rather glossed over in what I've been taught here. I also acknowledge that I have felt a lot of suffering in this lifetime and have had to sit and look at that in this practice. Not such a comfortable task...so "my" perception of the teachings is colored by my own suffering as I go through the process. It seems to me that fear and duality is the cause of ego-attachment and human suffering. To go into the suffering and learn equanimity towards it may be one way to let go of suffering. But how about developing generosity and joy to the extent that attachment and suffering can no longer exist? I draw on the classic garden analogy: all beings contain seeds of love and fear. Love is truth, fear is from the illusion of lack and separation. We have a limited time in these bodies on this planet--shall we spend our efforts in spiritual growth on uprooting fear (as manifested in the Buddhist "defilements" of greed, anger, and the dillusional belief in self), or developing unconditional Love for all beings? The two endeavors can certainly unfold together, and if there are some really gnarly fear-weeds, I suppose they must be faced and removed (forgiven and released) before the soil is ready to support Love growth. But once the biggest fears have been faced, it seems to me energy spent cultivating Love is more fruitful than energy spent killing weeds. More fun, too!

I must admit, though, the practice of present moment awareness and vipassana meditation has given me some really beautiful insight. Today, I was acknowledging feelings of anger, sadness, and fear as I walked mindfully (right, left, right, left with each foot-fall) across the temple grounds to the kitchen for breakfast at 6AM, but I noticed I had a smile on my face! That's odd, I thought. I brought my attention to the felt-sense in my body and realized my torso felt pretty empty (there's been the sense of a smooth stone in my lower abdomen for a few days now as I argue for and against leaving and compare fears of obligations and disappointing others and myself, versus following what I believe to be divine guidance in the heart to move on...). The "emotions" I was acknowledging were what I expected to feel based on the circumstances I am in (feeling trapped by these robes and needing the abbot's permission for leaving the temple and being unable to travel alone because of my gender), not what I was actually feeling in the moment! I realigned to what was really there (relaxed, empty) and felt a measure of awe for the fruits of this technique "I" am trying so desperately to discount and run away from. Also while sweeping, it has come to me that changing bodies does not alleviate suffering any more than changing geography does. It's just a new environment to learn in. Might as well make the best of the learning available in the environment I'm in, instead of wasting this time wishing to be somewhere else...

On a more worldly note, I went to my first Thailand AA meeting in Chiang Mai yesterday--my 13 years sobriety from alcohol birthday is in a week and I had to be in town for my 90-day visa check in anyway (gotta go every 90 days and tell them I'm still a nun and still live at Wat Phradhat). Interesting. It was a room full of 40-50-60 something, mostly overweight white men and one other young (20-something?) white woman. Very different than our little Wayne County meeting in Utah. I attended in my ankle-length white robes, of course...with a shorn head and prayer beads around my neck, an open heart, serene countenance and gentle smile (it was a good day), I imagine I'm quite the sight at an AA meeting! When they invited me to share my story, the chairperson said We expect great wisdom from you! with a laugh. And I replied, Expectations'll lead you to disappointment every time! Another man said That's wisdom right there. lol. It was fun. I shared about how I'd been doing some experimental drinking from 12-14-ish and at about 14 my dad told me (tears beginning to roll down my cheeks...) that when you drink or use drugs to impare your consciousness, that's time you're not really alive, and you can't get that time back. That made a huge impression on me and I'm very grateful to for it. That conversation in the car on the way to a friend's house got me through college sober (a monumental feat, I think)...I shared how after this experimental drinking phase and that talk when I decided mind-altering substances would not have a place in my life, that I turned to food to dull the crushing emotional pain I didn't understand nor know how to cope with. After the meeting, one member told me they have Overeater's Anonymous Monday, Wednesday and Friday! I've never been to one of those. I imagine it will be pretty powerful to meet a fellowship of folks sharing my issue more directly. I hope to go in a few days if I can...

And for those who haven't seen the Belief-O-Matic, it's a pretty cool website for us seekers that would like a view of which religious belief system might offer the best guidance on our personal progression towards truth (or just feel like having a good laugh). This is part of why I want to disrobe and go to Japan to live on an organic farm in the mountains and check out Zen practice:

My Results:

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (98%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (89%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. Liberal Quakers (83%)
6. Scientology (81%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (78%)
8. New Thought (77%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (70%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (70%)
11. Taoism (70%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (69%)
13. Reform Judaism (65%)
14. Hinduism (65%)
15. Secular Humanism (57%)
16. Jainism (56%)
17. Bahแ'ํ Faith (53%)
18. Sikhism (51%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (39%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (36%)
23. Islam (35%)
24. Nontheist (31%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (23%)
27. Roman Catholic (23%)

(I was raised Roman Catholic...)

Much love to all beings! Be happy, be peaceful, be well! Maechee (for now) Mare :)

Rumi's inspirations

2007-06-18T02:21:00.000-07:00

Been finding a lot of spiritual inspiration and solace in Rumi again lately. It's amazing to me how after years of reading The Essential Rumi by the flip-through method, there are still tons of poems I haven't seen! Many of them right next to poems I've read lots of times!! Well, when the student is ready, the inspiration speaks.

I hope to type the poems to share inspiration, but I'm not interested in using my time that way today. For those with the amazing and wonderful red and white book, I recommend P. 2, 22, *36*, 50, 70, *104*, 106, 109, 156, 193, 272, 334.

Man's position in Buddhism (according to Ven. K Sri Dhammananda)

2007-06-16T01:55:00.000-07:00

Man gives laws to nature:

Law in the scientific sense is essentially a product of the human mind and has no meaning apart from man. There is more meaning in the statement that man gives law to nature than in its converse that nature gives laws to man. ~ Prof. Karl Pearson

Man is not ready made:

Man today is the result of millions of repetitions of thoughts and acts. He is not ready made; he becomes, and is still becoming. His character is predetermined by his own choice, the thought, the act, which he chooses, that by habit, he becomes. ~Venerable Piyadassi

The more I seek and look and begin to truely see, wisdom arises in me thus: Love Is. Seems to me this is the only possible sentence, and the Is may be superfluous.

Insight from Video Google

2007-05-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

You can't fight your way out of your solitude and you can't find anyone to love you more than you love yourself. That's the ego's search--desperately clinging to past and future (because it can't exist in the pure present moment), desperately longing for fullfillment from the outside and fostering an illusion of lack within, pushing away anything that might be anywhere close to fullfillment because true fulfillment would be egoic death. Read any Eckhart Tolle? Stillness Speaks, The Power of Now, or A New Earth? He gets it. And David Hoffmeister just changed my whole perspective on spiritual practice--he got enlightened working The Course in Miracles and now travels the world teaching love, well...teaching how to remove the obstacles we have put up against love, since love is inherant and can't be taught. I highly recommend checking him out on Video Google. I'm still going to continue under ordination with the vipassana meditation as long as my heart says it's right, but I'm definitely going to talk to my teacher about why Theravadans teach us to strive for enlightenment by inclining the mind toards seeing the loathsomeness of the body and the terrestrial experience and the inherrent suffering from the attachments our ignorance (aka egos) create, instead of just looking directly at the complete falseness of the whole dualistic system and letting it all drop! The body and this life are no more inherantly pain than they are inherantly pleasure...both are false! The chaos we think we live in arises from perfect stillness and that stillness is space and God (universal Kosmic Konsciousness/Nibbana...) and God is love and there's nothing else. We are here to experience. You can drop the misery at anytime. You can fit anywhere if you choose to. You don't have to make ammends to anyone. Love is free! The more you give away unconditionally, the more love will come back to you. This I Know is Truth. My heart says so.

David Hoffmeister!

2007-05-20T02:20:00.000-07:00

Check out Google Video and look for David Hoffmeister...wow. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be a buddhist nun...love to all!

The Universal Law of Attraction at work

2007-05-19T03:11:00.000-07:00

This week I'm visiting a sister temple to Wat Chomtong where I am ordained. Wat Doi Suttep--it's one of the most visited tourist sites in Chiang Mai and for good reason. Back in the 1300's, they put a famous Buddha relic on an Elephant and followed him up the mountain. When he stopped, they built Wat Doi Suttep! There are some AMAZING jackfruit trees here--3' in diameter and 80' tall. The biggest one I've seen elsewhere was 1' diameter and maybe 35' tall?

Not too long ago, I emailed a few friends and wrote in my journal I was missing conversations about Kosmic Konsciousness and the possibilities that this world might not really work in the way we think it works...such conversations have been instrumental to my growth and spiritual development over the last few years and the Theravadan approach to life the universe and everything is not particularly satisfying for me at the moment. Well, guess what? I came to Wat Doi Suttep for a visit to see the place and found a Brittish woman ordained here who is a Reiki healer and loves What the Bleep and The Secret! We have had some phenomenal conversations. My practice is suffering a bit as I try to decide how Vipassana meditation fits with quantum physics. I think there's a place for it.

The ONLY way?

2007-05-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

I believe spiritual teachings advocating "my way is the only way" ought to hit the highway...my teacher says this vipassana method is the only way to total liberation from suffering. This put me off at first but I think I can stay here and learn a lot without committing to that dogma. It's difficult to let go of sufism and Rumi and singing. I also have trouble with the Theravadan idea "problem in the body but no problem in the mind? no problem." Two monks have told me it doesn't matter what I eat (meat or sugar in spite of the fact that both make me sick...) just take it like a medicine and use the sickness as a meditation object. I think what I eat and getting exercise is important to my quality of life. Though I guess this practice does not aim at living a high quality of life so much as transcending the self entirely to see the truth that we are all energy forms arising and passing away trillions of times each second. nothing lasting. nothing to be attached to. nothing here to suffer. realize this directly and be free?

so far my meditation has lead through tremendous periods of anger and ugliness and landed me in a place of considerably increased happiness and peace. I know I'm in for a few more rounds yet but it really seems to be helping. Seems to me the key to this work is not necessarily sitting still so much at total present moment awareness. Watching the breath is one way to refine this awareness.

I feel the most important thing I am learning here is not to react to my sense desires. I'm hoping to conquer my gluttony/emotional self-medication with food and let go of greed and anger.

I want to see the truth of this body-mind but I also want to find a way to live happily in the world. Not sure yet if the two co-exist. We'll see as I progress which path my heart ultimately chooses.

Desiderata

2007-05-07T20:39:00.001-07:00

Insight into ourselves is the best use of our time in this universe. I miss conversations about Kosmic Konsciousness...

I asked my soul what she was wanting to unfold right now (a question my awesome guide asked me at the end of the vision quest that cataylzed this journey) and found her sleeping! She said to just wait while she rests and the mind develops. When my mind is stronger, spirit will guide me on. Not to worry. all is well and in line with the greater good.

This poem has been great solice for me in trying times over the years and I'd like to share it:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Toxic river of consciousness

2007-05-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

Still living the monastic life, still periodically drowning in doubt and suffering, which are both states I am used to...sortof what I came here to come out of. The meditation practice is helping a lot (the last 3 days I've hardly practiced and my issues have come screaming to the surface...lol), but I am still holding onto some spiritual beliefs that 180 degrees contradict what theravadan buddhism teaches, so no wonder I'm suffering...I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream in a torrential flood--a muddy river carrying all sorts of pollution: regrets, worries, past arguments, things left unsaid that should have been said, things said that should not have been said, bad stupid movies that wasted my time, lots and lots of televions from my past go floating by...I'm barely staying put in this current trying to carry me away from the source, but I'll make it. At least my efforts are keeping me from backsliding and I'm getting stronger...

Lotus blossom (poem)

2007-05-06T03:15:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a suitable place
to open this soul
and reveal the perfect pearl
in my heart.
To live in it.
To drown there.

I've been looking for a place
safe enough
beautiful enough
A community of like-minded folks
to nest with.

But perhaps,
like the lotus,
I should just root down in this mud
and blossom anyway.

How to pray?

2007-05-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm doubting a lot of theravadan teachings. I believe total renunciation is one way out of suffering, but it takes a long time of practicing to really see the fruits. and I'm not sure there's a way back if I fully commit, and in case it's wrong, or wrong for me, I'm screwed for the rest of this life...

Rumi says this: Everyone has been assigned a stable and a trainer. You may think you are making choices, but really the trainer is leading you around by the nose.

I find comfort in this. No matter what I choose, God/Is/Kosmic Konsciousness/Kamma from good deeds will lead me forward in growth and beauty on the right path. If I pass up opportunities out of fear, New ones will arise when I am ready. But in my head, I struggle with this idea versus the idea of manifesting and having to ask for what I really want in this life. Then I struggle with the idea of asking for what I want out of ego impulses and fear versus letting go and letting God and praying only for his will in my life and the courage to carry that out...

A new way--the well story

2007-05-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a story: a man is digging a well on his land to get water to nourish his crops. He picks one spot and digs down 10 feet. no water...figuring this is the wrong spot, he tries another. digs down 10 feet. no water...He tries this 10 times and just gets tired and frustrated. His seeds lay dormant in the soil--his approach will never nourish anything...if he had just stayed in one place and dug 100 feet, his same effort surely would have produced water... I wonder though...geologically, it's important to pick the right spot for well digging! Trying to dig through a bed of uplifted granite when the other side of your property has a shale capped aquifer is just foolish!

I obviously still have doubts about this place and what I'm doing here. I see a lot of unhappy nuns at this temple. As long as there are good benefits, and my heart keeps saying "STAY PUT!!!" when I think about running away, I'll continue to do so. My teacher insists I'm doing well and making good progress.

I am changing a lot, and fast...I hardly recognize myself in the mirror some days, which worries me a bit. Some things about the Theravadan practice are in complete contradiction with what I have come to believe about the world, how it works, and how to live in it well...though I admit a big part of why I'm here is that those perceptions were not leading me to a life of happiness and I'm wanting a new way. I long to taste other practices in the buffet of spiritual life (and what a range of flavors there are!), but gluttony of any form just leads to illness and lethargy...

I asked my teacher a question the other day: What does renunciation really mean? I feel like there is a thresh-hold in the practice I won't be able to get beyond if I am still grasping and clinging at adventures I want to have, friends I'm trying to stay in touch with, and geography/landscapes in the states that I miss. I feel like I'm already approaching that thresh-hold, but he said just stay in the present moment and do the practice. He said there are 2 forms of renunciation: the physical form of wearing robes and keeping the moral precepts (8 for maechee and lay people, 227 for monks), and the mental form of living only in the present moment and guarding the mind against defilements. I immediately recognized the second as the more important form and commented that was renunciation I can take home with me. He smiled and asked any idea when that might be? No...if the manager monk had not helped me with my one year visa, I might be looking to leave in earnest, but with that obligation, I will stay and just watch my restlessness as long as it feels right. He said good good. :)

One of my biggest challenges as long as I can remember has been self-medicating against emotions by over-eating. Before we eat here, we always recite this passage:

Wisely reflecting, I use this food (breathe) not for play, nor intoxication (breathe), not fattening, nor beautification (breathe). Only to maintain this body. To stay alive and healthy. To support the holy life (breathe). Contemplating, I will destroy the feeling of hunger (breathe) without creating a new feeling of overeating (breathe). Thus the process of life will continue: blameless, at ease, and in peace (breathe).

Thich Nhat Hahn teaches this reflection, which I also really like (first bring your attention to your heart and generate a feeling of loving kindness towards yourself and all beings):

In this bowl of food (breathe)
is the entire universe (breathe)
supporting my existence (breathe).
May it nourish me (breathe)
and through me (breathe)
benefit all beings (breathe).

What I am learning here is that tasting is just tasting, only an impermenant feeling. The satisfaction from a given food does not last. As long as the food nourishes this body for the activities of living, it doesn't really matter what it is. The most important lesson for me is that tomorrow, there will be more food. I have a terrible fear of scarcity... I don't remember a time when I didn't have enough to eat, so I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but it's totally irrational and irrelevant to my present moment. There is always enough!! No need to take too much...I'm learning more and more that I need very little. Leave the rest for others. As a result, I am the thinnest I have been since about 1995 and mentally I feel much lighter, too.

Two weeks ago, I began my third advanced meditation course. For this retreat, I took noble silence as best I could and abstained from sugar and evening drinks except herbal tea (no soy milk, yogurt, etc). My practice bore GREAT fruits. And the three times I broke this commitment (by eating desert at lunch one day (= 3 days of terrible anger...) and having drinks in the evening twice (= sore stomach and reduced concentration)), I immediately paid the price. That's one thing about this temple, the karmic feedback is pretty immediate...

I've been on meditation retreat for about 45 days now (except one rest day back in March) and I'm not supposed to go out of the temple much. My teacher went out of town last night and I decided I wanted a rest today. I guess when the cat's away...It's a good lesson to see this in myself. It feels a lot like when I went home to UT and nearly stopped the formal practice completely...I'm going to have to be self-accountable about this work, or what is the point in doing it? No one can walk this path for me. I must do the work for myself.

Birthday Celebration

2007-03-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

As the individual is an illusion according to Buddhism (all conditioned things are impermenant, suffering, and non-self! This body is just elements...this mind is conditioned from ignorance and does not exist on its own), celebrating one's birthday is not really done. Temple tradition is to offer something to the monks and spend a day and night practicing in gratitude to one's parents (Thanks mom and dad!), so I made a small financial offering to the office and dedicated my practice on determination to my parents, especially my mom, for bringing me into this world and for their support all these years. What an incredible healing journey my family has been on this past year. I am so excited to be 27 and seeking on this path. It feels so right. Difficult a lot of the time, but so right. Peace and blessings to all!

My first 10 Day Yana Meditation Course

2007-03-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

I just finished my first advanced course--trippy experience. Everyday you get a new piece of paper with that day's assignment. You walk one hour and sit one hour in alternation for 8-12 hours per day with a resolution that a given meditation absorption will appear. The names of the absorptions ("xyz" yanna in Thai, "xyz" jana in Sanskrit, I think) are in Pali and my teacher did not tell me what each one meant until after I had worked on it for the day. Each evening, I would go report to the teacher and explain my experiences (suffering suffering suffering, craving craving craving, thinking thinking thinking, feeling sad, missing home, feeling joy!, losing my balance, trying to find a way out of this suffering, thinking of generosity and experiencing 5 minutes of bliss, spending most of the 8th day in equanimity...). Somehow, my body-mind knew what the absorptions meant and manifested the appropriate conditions anyway! SO WEIRD... when the yanna was about knowing suffering, boy did I suffer! when the yanna was about seeing the way out of suffering, I sure suffered more, but then it broke and I did! craving is suffering and generosity is the end of craving and clinging! not like I live this on a daily basis yet, but it was nice to see. The last exercise before determination (see below) is equanimity. I thought I had done something wrong because no particular conditions seemed to arise, but turns out that's exactly right! wow...

It worked out that my determination (48 hours of meditation with no sleep and minimal breaks (theoretically...I fell asleep for 6 hours the last night this time)) began on my 27th birthday. I thought it would be cool to meditate all day as a birthday experience, but mostly I spent my determination time obsessing about the fabulously delicious cheesecake I want to bake (4" thick, light and fluffy, with a home-made applesauce, oat, walnut crust...homemade cranberry topping...drool forms just thinking about it) and the two versions of "sin cake" I want to make (7 layers of rich chocolatey deliciousness...). Missing friends and family and the mountains and the desert and my bicycle and singing. GOD I WANT TO SING SO BADLY!!! "Dawn is rising in our souls" has been in my head predominantly. I have been skipping chanting while on the meditation course, so that's probably part of the problem... It's interesting why my mind has returned to these obsessions lately. It hasn't been thinking of food too much for the last 6 weeks or so. oh well, I guess I just watch.

Photos!

2007-03-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

The monk on the right with the microphone is the abbot of the Forest temple in Uttaradit. This is the driveway. Yours truely is over his left shoulder. The monk on the left is the head of the international center at one of the oldest temples in Bangkok.

Part of the opening ceremony was chanting "Iti pi so..." 108 times to bless the center and welcome the devas (angels) for protection. It took us about 5 hours over the course of 3 days to complete the chanting. The string is a blessing string tied to the main Buddha image and linked to everyone chanting, including all the monks in front (not visible). It was sooooo beautiful and moving to be a part of this ceremony. Especially as the only nun, I got to sit front and center out of the lay people (outside and 2' below the enclosed platform where the monks were seated, of course!).

The forest center we opened (the pink tile behind us is where we were seated for the chanting above). Improvised Thai countryside brooms. :) Note the height difference. This is pretty characteristic of my experience in this country...The woman to my right is Wassana, the lay practitioner from Wat Phrathat Sri Chomtong I became friends with on this journey.

Opening the center--A highly ranked monk from Bangkok is painting Buddhist blessing symbols on the sign. Then he put three dots of sparkley glue and stuck three squares of gold foil in a triangle to finish the blessing. Repeat on the other side of the sign...

The shrine building housing the three iron statues of the warrior devas we helped install (of course, more sweeping!).

What day of the week were you born?

2007-03-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

The Thai association of week days with spiritual guides mirrors that in manycultures. Theravada Buddhism has a long history of adapting Hindutraditions. Here is a good listing:http://www.buddha-images.com/seven-days.asp

Buddha Image for Sunday :In Pensive ThoughtThe enlightened Buddha stands with hands crossed over his abdomen (righthand over the left).The Buddha contemplates his achievement of complete knowledge under theBodhi tree.After enlightenment, the Buddha stood still for seven days under the BodhiTree to contemplate the suffering of all living things. He was tempted toenter Nirvana at once (By Mara), but he wants others to know the truedoctrine, and resolves to communicate his doctrine to others.

Buddha Image for Monday :Preventing Calamities (This Image is Similar as the Image for 'Stopping therelatives from fighting')The city of Vesali was tormented by three evils : poverty, cholera anddevils. Devils were roaming the city feasting on dead bodies and evenpeople. The King of Vesali was advised to seek the help of the Buddha.Accepting the invitation, the Buddha with company, arrived at Vesali. Withhis transcendental powers, he caused heavy rain to pour down, so heavy thatit cleaned the city of all dead bodies and uncleanliness. Later on, Ananda, his disciple went around the city, reciting portions ofthe Tipitika, and sprinkling lustral water around the city. Suffering humanswere healed, while all devils were frightened and fled the city.

Buddha Image for Tuesday :Reclining BuddhaLeft arm along the body, right arm serves as a pillow with the handsupporting the head.Story : The giant Asurindarahu wanted to see the Buddha, but was reluctantto bow before him. The Buddha, while lying down, presented himself as muchlarger than the giant. He then showed him the realm of heaven with heavenlyfigures all larger than the giant. After all this, Asurindarahu, the giant,was humbled, and made his obeisance to the Buddha before leaving.

Buddha Image for Wednesday Morning : Holding an alms bowl The Buddha is standing with both hands around an alms bowlThis symbolizes the first morning after visiting his father at Kapilavastu.In the morning the Buddha went out to receive alms in the city.

Buddha Image for Wednesday Evening : Retreat in the Forest Buddha spent the rain retreat on his own in the Palilayaka (Palelai) forestbecause he was tired of the monks of Kosambi who had split into two groupsand were not in harmony. While in the forest, the elephant Palilayakaattended to him, and monkey offered him a beehive.

Buddha Image for Thursday : MeditatingSitting in the yoga posture. Note the right leg on top of the left, theright hand on top of the left hand.The Bodhisattva makes a vow and is determined not the leave the spot (wherehe is sitting on the grass) until he achieves enlightenment. TheBoddhisattva determines to find the cause of suffering and its cessation.Buddha Image for Friday : In Reflection (Deeply Thinking) Hands are crossed across the chest, right hand in front of the left.The Buddha (at the Banyan tree), wonders how he can explain the cause of allsuffering to others.

Buddha Image for Saturday : Sitting in meditation, protected by Mucalinda's cobra hood. (Mucalinda isKing of the Naga)

Days of the Week based on Thai Ramakian epichttp://www.thai-blogs.com/index.php?blog=5&title=thai_gods_for_each_day_of_week&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

Sunday: Phra Athit (also Aditaya or Suriya), the Sun, the god of light, isseated on his chariot of seven skyhorses driven by his rider, Phra Arun. Ifyou have visited Wat Arun in Bangkok you might already know that thetranslation for this temple is Temple of Dawn.

Monday: Phra Chan (or Chandra), the Moon, is a male deity who rides achariot drawn by ten horses. His nature is suave and gentle.

Tuesday: Phra Angkhan (Angaraka) rides a water buffalo. He is Mars, the godof war, hard-work and conflict.

Wednesday: Budha is an Indian equivalent of Mercury and Woden. He rides anelephant. He is the deity of wisdom, communication and books.

Thursday: Pharutsabodi (Brihaspati) is the heavenly seer who carries a slateand rides a deer. He corresponds to Jupiter, tutor of the gods. Thursday,his day, is dedicated to teachers. At school, we always have a specialceremony for teachers at the beginning of each academic year. It is calledWai Khru. The date might vary between schools but it is always held on aThursday.

Friday: Sukra, the god who presides over Friday, rides a bull. He isconsidered one of the heavenly seers as well as a tutor of the gods. He isthe diety of wealth and fine art.

Saturday: Phra Sao (Sani), equivalent to Saturn, with bow and trident in hishands, is considered the god of difficulty. The people who are born underthe influence of Saturn are believed to fall easily into grief, despair, anddifficulties. He is seated on his vehicle, a tiger.

Some duplicated, some new: Wat Phratabat SeeRoy

2007-03-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the two month mark of my ordination and I finally spoke to my teacher for the first time in about 5 weeks--he went to India with 89 other people related to the temple, then to Chiang Rai in the North for an annual monk's confession event. He said I am looking a lot better, so that was nice to hear. He happened to catch me on a good day, but as I learn better what is expected of me, have settled into a reasonably consistent but not stifflingly mundane routine, and am practicing more (as I came here to do!), I am feeling a lot better. I was happy to hear it shows.

I took the opportunity while my teacher and most of the translators were gone to travel a bit with a long-term Thai meditator and an international meditator (nuns are not allowed to travel alone--initially irritating for the habitually independent woman-traveler I am...but based on the fact that a/some nuns were raped while traveling in the Buddha's time, he forbade it. The custom is still followed today). We went to Uttaradit province in north-central Thailand via a 7 hour third class train journey. Details on my long neglected blog: mareinthailand.blogspot.com.
I went to Uttaradit to help the head monk there, Phra Sutep, prepare for his forest meditation center's opening ceremony. My companions and I met two women meditators from Bangkok who have been Phra Sutep's students for 20+ years(!) and we practiced together for 5 days. I was the youngest member of our party and have the least meditation experience, but I am ordained, so Phra Sutep put me in charge of leading evening chanting, ringing the wake up bell, and keeping time during meditation periods. I was a little unsure of myself, but the energy from 5 women practicing together was such a blessing and they were all so patient and kind. It felt good to return to a position of leadership after feeling so down on my self for so long...

I learned a lot practicing there. Phra Sutep is Thai, but he's an American citizen--his home temple is Wat Thai Hawaii in Honolulu--so his English is very good. He taught me that self-forgiveness MUST come first in this growth process, or the practice cannot proceed. He taught me perseverance--the mind must be cleaned again and again, again and again, again and again! He responded kindly to my ridiculous emotional breakdown over the second day's breakfast--rice soup with pork. Was that ever a cultural lesson (one I am still processing a month later...)!

Phra Sutep's home town is a small village about 30 km from the city of Uttaradit. It's very hot and dry and consequently the farming community is poor (as with much of rural Thailand in the central plains). Some of the skinniest cows I've seen in my life browsed fields of picked over dried rice straw, vainly seeking vegetation with available calories. Intermittant fields of Green corn and yams came up here and there amidst the dry rice paddies and brown teak forests, but given that many times per day, when we turned on our own water taps, nothing happened but a sad sucking of air and a faint hint of gurgling, I don't know where the water comes from for such thirsty crops (or perhaps the thirsty crops accounts for the empty taps?).

The kindness of the people ran deep. They prepared ample delicious food for us served family style twice each day, probably driving to market in Uttaradit for most of the fruits and vegetables. Family style means everyone gets their own rice bowl and selects their meal a few bites at a time from various dishes in the center of the table. When I came back and reported to the abbot about the struggle I have been having with food cravings and overeating, he commented no wonder I looked fat! (or so the translator said...heavier than I was when I got here, which was a lot thinner than when I left home from a month of observing 8 precepts, spending frequent sleepless nights on buses and 3rd class trains, walking a fair bit to see sights, and occasionally eating only one meal per day) It's a lot easier to mindlessly stuff one's self when a community of 5-8 people are eating from the same endlessly refilling source. I guess my body betrayed my gluttony! He recommended I eat only as many spoonfulls as my age. I have not been counting, but my first reaction was a desire to ask for a serving spoon to eat with! Turns out, I begin feeling full at about 19 or 20 bites and often continue on to 25 or 27 anyway....then sometimes have fruit. But counting and becoming aware has really helped (the first day I counted, I ate 45 bites!). Eating less at lunch actually makes it easier not to eat in the evenings! Counter-intuitive, but true...

After Uttaradit, we went to Phitchit for one night to visit my friends there and pay respect the buddha image which supposedly has psychic powers. It definitely has powerful energy and is one of my favorite places to meditate in this country. I was glad to see it again. The heat in ugly old Phitchit was opressive and sticky--it rained hard that evening and we left at dawn the next day. I don't know how I lived there for 6 weeks last year! Perhaps the heat abates with the approach of the rainy season in June? Seasons change pretty quickly here. It took maybe 2 or 3 weeks for Chiang Mai to transition from friggin' cold to warm to bloody hot. Cold showers are not yet a blessing, but they are certainly tollerable--keeping myself clean is no longer a dreaded event.

After a 10 hour return third-class train journey, my Thai companion and I went to visit a temple in the forest in the northern outskirts of Chiang Mai where she lived as a meditator for 2 years. Gorgeous! No time for elaborate delicious descriptions, but the Brilliant white temples and salas were bejeweled with mirror-finish tiles in emerald, sapphire, ruby, silver, and gold. Naga lined the staircases (think a cross among a snake, an eel, a lizard, and a dragon, usually with 1, 3, or 5 heads!), and they have the largest "Buddha footprint" shrine I have seen yet--4 prints on top of one another in an 18' by 9' area, pressed into the lava rock, the biggest one was about 12' long, the smallest maybe 5'? I don't have a lot of faith in Thailand's footprint shrines, though I saw one yesterday that was about right for a human and supposedly made by an arahant that was the last abbot just 30 years ago or so...a twinge of belief was felt there.

Our visit to her temple coincided with one of Thailand's biggest Buddhist festivals: Makkra Bucha Day, celebrating a day in the Buddha's time where 1250 monks spontaneously gathered in one place without prior notice to hear him speak the Dhamma. Part of the massive carnival-style festivities was an overnight pilgrimage up the 18km switchbacked road from a temple in the farming flats below to my friend's temple in the forest. When the local man drove it to arrive, I clung to the "oh sh*t" handle for dear life, praying to survive the journey, and reflecting that this clinging was not very Buddhist of me... I could not believe we were going to walk all that way in one night! Turns out, about 500-800 people participated and I think most of us made it the whole way! Dragging a 3' diameter headed, 5' bodied drum on a cart, no less! the beat helped keep our energy going and pulling the two 250' ropes attached to the cart gave us purpose and motivation to continue. Frequent rest stops for nescafe and ovaltine, various colors of sugar water, thai iced tea, and orange juice were very welcome. Ice water was also served in individually sealed plastic cups from the beds of pick-up trucks that played leap-frog with our marching party. Rice porriage was available for lay people on 5 precepts. (*twinge of irrational jealousy...*) Squeezing to one side of the narrow road to allow traffic to pass was interesting. I was one of less than 20 I estimate that did the walk barefoot. Surprisingly, it wasn't too bad till we crested the final hill and the temple came into view. Something about knowing the end of the journey was approaching allowed my worn feet to begin complaining the last half km. The abbot had lead the parade and met everyone individually to give out prayer flag/hankerchief-things with devas (angels) on them. Being pressed into such a croud was quite the experience, especially challenging for me as one of my precepts is not to touch men! After paying respect to their main Buddha image and receiving a blessing from the abbot, my Thai friend and I collapsed to enjoy breakfast and a beautiful sunrise.

What a trip!
ok, back to meditation. I hope all beings are happy and well! ayu, vanno, sukkham, balam!Maechee Mare :)

Ordained name

2007-03-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

Some folks have asked if I got a special name at ordination: Maechee Siritaree is my Pali name. Pali is the language from the Buddha's time (like Aramaic for Jesus) and Maechee is the Thai title given to nuns (mae = mother...I don't know what chee means). My preceptor (the 84 year old abbot here, who many believe is an arahant!) asked for the day of the week I was born--Friday. This is apparently important to know if you are Buddhist. Most Thai temples have a row of 8 Buddha images in specific postures for each day of the week (not sure what the 8th one is for...). You can give dana (donate money) to your Buddha image and make a wish for good luck. Friday is a standing Buddha with both hands crossed over his heart, but no one has explained to me what this means...

After a few minutes of closed eyed mutterings while I knelt quietly in front of him, feet neatly tucked behind me, hands in prayer position over my heart, head slightly bowed (the respectful way to sit before a monk (I spend a lot of time this way these days...)), the abbot tried out a few different syllables, asked my teacher (who is much younger and has better eyes) look something up in a little blue book of names, and chose Santiyani--Knower of peace and tranquility. Sounded good to me, but as luck would have it, this is the same Pali name he gave to my neighbor from Taiwan! She happened to be in the room waiting to ask her question next (usually reporting is done alone and I don't know how often the same name is chosen...perhaps an energetic connection with Maechee Joy? Or perhaps he picked my name based on her energy being present?). Well, when he asked if she had a Pali name and she said he had already given her the same one, he laughed and said no, no! and chose for me again. So I am Maechee Siritaree--One who maintains one's mertis, or One who maintains highest good fortune. A lot to live up to, but an auspicious beginning to this journey, I think.

Lessons from the Forest Opening Ceremony

2007-03-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

I went to Uttaradit to help the head monk there, Phra Sutep, prepare for his meditation center's opening ceremony. My companions and I met two women meditators from Bangkok who have been Phra Sutep's students for 20+ years(!) and we practiced together for 5 days. I was the youngest member of our party and have the least meditation experience, but I am ordained, so I was put in charge of leading evening chanting, ringing the wake up bell, and keeping time during meditation periods. I was a little unsure of myself, but the energy from 5 women practicing together was such a blessing and they were all so patient and kind. It felt good to return to a position of leadership after feeling so down on my self for so long...

I learned a lot practicing there. Phra Sutep is Thai, but he's an American citizen--his home temple is Wat Thai Hawaii in Honolulu--so his English is very good. He taught me that self-forgiveness MUST come first in this growth process, or the practice cannot proceed. He taught me perseverance--the mind must be cleaned again and again, again and again, again and again! He responded kindly to my ridiculous emotional breakdown over the second day's breakfast--rice soup with pork. Was that ever a cultural lesson (one I am still processing a month later...)!

Phra Sutep's home town is a small village about 30 km from the city of Uttaradit. It's very hot and dry and consequently the farming community is poor (as with much of rural Thailand in the central plains). Some of the skinniest cows I've seen in my life browsed fields of picked over dried rice straw, vainly seeking vegetation with available calories. Intermittant fields of corn and yams came up here and there amidst the dry rice paddies, but given that many times per day, when we turned on our own water taps, nothing happened but a sad sucking of air and a faint hint of gurgling, I don't know where the water comes from for such thirsty crops (or perhaps the thirsty crops accounts for the empty taps?). The kindness of the people ran deep.

They prepared ample delicious food for us at each meal, probably driving to market in Uttaradit for most of the fruits and vegetables, but this particular breakfast, they did not realize I'm vegetarian and prepared a delicious looking pork/rice porriage (common breakfast in central Thailand--we have a veggie version once a week or so here at the temple, and it's the daily AM staple at the meditation center in Suan Mokk (see December in my blog)). I took a bowl before asking if it was "Jay" (vegan) and decided not to make a big conceited show of my personal dietary choices by refusing it once I found out it was not. Well, that was my plan, at least.

As I sat down and stared into my soup, my heart became gripped by mortal fear. The last time I ate pork was by accident 7 years ago and I was the sickest I have been in my life for 5 days afterward (many contributing factors there, but the bacon bits I didn't see till the end of the side dish of sauteed restaurant veggies I'd ordered was one probable culprit). I do not have the volition to kill a pig and therefore do not believe it's right to eat one (in addition to the numerous other reasons I'm mostly veggie). As I contemplated the steaming bowl in front of me, I began silently to weep...

After choking back tears and chanting the food reflection and a blessing for health and prosperity for those who donated the food (a twice daily pre-meal ritual for all ordained Buddhists), I picked up my spoon and tried to take a bite without pork bits. It was not possible...not wanting to be rude and refuse the alms I had taken, I managed to swallow two bites amidst uncontrollable sobs. No one really knew what to do with me, but they were all very kind, took my bowl away when I gave up trying to eat, and offered me some fruit (traditional desert). I felt terrible more for the cultural fool I made of myself than for the few bits of pig I ate...I took the day of practicing to process what happened. What emotions came up and where they came from. Why I had such mortal fear of a single meal. I would not have minded fasting. The fear was more about my ignorance around the "right" thing to do. In the past when presented with meat, I have refused arrogantly and felt wrong after. This time I tried taking it, but couldn't eat and felt wrong after. Where is the middle ground, I reflected...

Two days later, during an elaborate ceremony to install 3 holy statues representing warrior brothers from the province's history, a feast was laid out for the brother's spirits, and a man and two women stepped up to the shrine room, put on the brother's war-costumes, entered meditative trances, and began channeling the spirits of these three men (spirits are apparently not gender descriminators). It seemed like a big excuse to drink whiskey and chain smoke at 9 in the morning, but perhaps they really were spirits...I guess if you're a warrior from several centuries ago with no body, the opportunity to smoke again would be capitalized on to the greatest possible extent? well, the last thing brought up for the spirit's feast was the cleaned raw carcass of a decapitated pig, severed head placed neatly near-by. This was set on a bloody sheet of plastic on a table in front of me, about 4 feet away. Quite an opportunity for reflection. Several people offered excuses for me to move, but I decided to stay put and just watch myself and acknowledge. Intense.

Third Class train to Uttaradit

2007-03-19T02:26:00.000-07:00

For most of February, 89 people related to the temple were in India, including my usual English-speaking teacher, the abbot, the lay man and wife that run the international meditation center, and the nun who usually translates for me if my teacher is not available. This made for some lonely practice time and left a LOT of sweeping to be done... ;)

I took the opportunity to travel a bit with a long-term Thai meditator and an international meditator (nuns are not allowed to travel alone--irritating for a habitually fiercely independent woman such as myself...but based on the fact that a/some nuns were raped while traveling in the Buddha's time, he forbade it and the rule is still followed for safety's sake today). We went to Uttaradit province in north-central Thailand via a 7 hour third class train journey.

The route was a pick-up truck "song-taew" with bench seats from the temple into Chiang Mai proper (35 km) and then from Chiang Mai to the train station (another 12 km-ish?) for 80 baht ($2). Should have been about 50 or 60, but my Thai companion didn't try to bargain and I didn't want to be rude in case there was something culturally happening that I didn't understand. I think my Thai friend is just shy, but oh well, what's 50 cents, anyway? well, quite a lot in this country: a good meal from a street cart, two bottles of water, or a kilo of fruit, for example...

Our third class train ticket for the 7 hour ride over the mountains to the central plains cost 51 Baht ($1.25)! lol...cushy seats were an unusual bonus for this particular 3rd class journey. As was the regular patrolling of the ticket taker/janitor who swept, mopped, and spritzed the steel train "toilet" fairly regularly with some pleasant smelling cleaner to prevent the usual stench of urine from overpowering the open-windowed tin oven we were traveling in. 3/5 over head fans functioned, squeeking and grumbling about their work, lazily revolving in the thick Thai air...they seemed to be aggitating the air more than really cooling anything, but their presence was an appreciated effort at least.

Periodically, hard-working dark-skinned men and women would walk the length of the train with baskets or buckets of food and iced drinks to sell. "Nahm Dhum, Nahm Som, Pepsi?" (water, orange juice, pepsi?) or "Phat Thai, Hah Baht. Phat Thai, Hah Baht?" (fried noodles, 5 baht (35 baht = $1!)) My favorite is the green mangos for 10 baht and sticky rice for 5 baht. Traditionally sold with fried animal on a stick (chicken, pork, or fish balls), I get some funny looks for eating plain sticky rice, but I don't care--it's good, man!

This particular journey, we did not buy much, for a kind monk saw our motley party of 3 dressed in white: one farang nun and another foreigner and he generously offered us each enough food for 3 people from his alms rounds that morning! He spoke excellent English and said he worried since I was a foreigner, people would not think to offer me much (which is right, though I have not traveled much, yet, to know if generosity awaits on my roads in the future...). Most of it was vegetarian and quite tastey! We were all extremely touched by his kindness.

Trusting the Sangha?

2007-03-19T01:05:00.000-07:00

There are phases in life where friends drop away and new ones are brought in...times of trouble (or blessing?) where ideas long held true are seen for the lies they really are--I'm in a phase like that as I discover honesty is truely a rare quality in this world. One I don't posess as strongly as I thought. Someone is lying to me in the temple and I can't yet decide for sure who, and who (if anyone!) I can trust in this sangha. I'm learning Thai slowly, but I can't yet converse about dhamma/important/personal stuff (just travels and prices and where I'm from, mostly) so the number of people sufficiently competet in English that I can talk to is about 9/60 and NONE of them tells the same story and most of them talk sh*t about one another...it's ugly. but I guess people that are healthy and well don't often subject themselves to monastic discipline (truely, I believe people that are healthy and well have transcended this plane of existance...Earth as a cosmic insane asylum is a theory that occurred to me years ago and makes more sense to me every day). Pain is a motivator to heal, but the initial wound covering process often involves building defenses that are not healthy. Maybe they are the best efforts we know how to make to keep ourselves from immediately bleeding to death, but they're not real pretty when uncovered in the true wound cleansing process. been facing anger and reactivity in the face of confusion lately. lots of foddor for it...Seems acknowledging and intelligent reflection can help dampen these emotional waves. I keep working.

Literal bridges

2007-03-19T00:39:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share a recent experience I had helping build a bridge here. Many people were working together doing different jobs. I was on rock shoveling and sand bucket refilling detail in the concrete mixing assembly line. At one point in the day, it seemed my results were futile because my job was to refill baskets with rocks and buckets with sand, but all day no matter how many baskets or buckets we filled, more empties came to replace them! At this realization point, I decided to take a short break, walk over to where they were taking the grey liquid by wheelbarrow and see down the tarp-covered wooden chute that progress was definitely being made. Obvious metaphor/cosmic lesson from a mundane Earthly experience: many times the work we do bears fruits we cannot immediately see. The efforts I'm making to clean my mind through meditation which seem like a lot of work with little resutls in the mean time will come to bear fruit in the future. :)

Settling in, the doubts begin

2007-02-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

Ordained life is beginning to settle into a routine for me. Up at 4am, chanting 4:30-5:45, breakfast (small bowl of rice soup or noodles) at 6, sweeping (Thai leaves are never-ending!!) 7-8:30, meditation 9-11, lunch 11-12 (usually brown or white rice with 2 or 3 buffet-served dishes for vegetarians and 2 or 3 dishes for carnivores, plus fruit or a sweet thai dessert like mango with sticky rice or mung beans in sweet sauce or some unidentifiable green noodley things in coconut milk or corn and coconut milk...pretty much anything passes for dessert in this country if you mix it with enough coconut milk and sugar!), free time from noon till evening chanting at 6:30pm (I often overeat and fall asleep in the afternoons...big no-no! or I meditate 2-3 hours and study thai 1-2 hours (I can read and write half the 44 thai consonants so far) and talk with my fellow nuns or do some dhamma reading or journaling the rest of the time--this is also my time for personal shopping and e-mail/internet), then formal walking/sitting meditation practice after chanting from 8-11pm and in bed between 11:30 and midnight. I try also to sneak in some yoga in the mornings or evenings, but my strong commitment to an hour a day has certainly long-since gone by the wayside.

Now and then it dawns on me that This is my life! I am not having an exotic south-east asian vacation experience for a little while with the intent to return to "real life" in the states in a few months...I have moved to a Thai temple and I live as a nun! I shave my head every month and wear long sleeves, an ankle length sarong skirt, and a white robe, regardless of the heat...This temple is my whole universe until further notice (till April '08, I think). Limited travel is allowed with permission from the abbot, but it's a distraction from the practice to run here and there looking for satisfaction outside the self so my teacher advised me to stay put as much as possible. My physical needs are all met by the generosity of this community. I participate as best I can. This is my life! wow...

Doubts have begun to arise, though: I feel pretty blasphemous during a lot of the ceremonies...I don't really care about walking 3 times clockwise barefoot around a concrete statue in order to offer flowers, candles, and incense 4 times a month (on the new, full, and both half-moons for Wan Phra--Monk Day). Nor does it interest me to worship a chunk of matter they claim is a piece of the right side of the Buddha's skull he supposedly prophesized would come to rest at this temple...I came here to study the truth of the Dhamma in my own body-mind through intense practice. I have found myself floundering, trying to asimilate into a sticky social order akin to high school clique politics...managing for the most part to get my needs met without being too horribly selfish. Seeing the selfish tendencies I thought I had outgrown...Once again, wherever I go, here I am!

I feel like when I left Thailand last time, I had nearly graduated from meditation elementary school, and now I have returned hoping to complete my doctoral thesis in a year or so! No wonder this is a painful process...well, slog on I do and learn a lot I am. All conditioned things arise to pass away. There is No Thing in this world/life worth grasping at or clinging to (No Thing can possibly be grasped, in fact!). In the past, this knowledge lead me to a defeatist view of "What's the point???" I am still working on developing the conditions for wisdom: purifying virtue (8 precepts: no killing (not even mosquitos!), no stealing, no sex (celebacy of the body and mind!), no lying, no intoxicants, no eating between noon and 6am (the toughest for me...), no dancing-singing-beautification, and no sleeping on high and luxurious beds/seats) and developing concentration through walking and sitting meditation practice and constant acknowledging (typing, typing, typing...hearing hearing hearing as traffic rolls by...seeing seeing seeing the shiny gold-covered chedi and life-size portrait of the king across the street...). These two together--virtue and concentration--allow wisdom to unfold automatically. There is supposedly peace above this suffering from which no one is immune. Enlightened beings do live and breathe in this country, so I know this path can eventually lead to unshakable peace.

I had a taste of it yesterday. During morning sweeping, The angry, dissatisfied voice in my head (she's been very vocal lately!) that tries to convince me to quit everything was coniving to get me to stop sweeping and go back to my room to rest. I resisted...just sweep a little more. swish swish goes the 5' leaf broom with 2' long thin sticks for bristles. more decrying. more resisting, acknowledge: hearing hearing hearing. just sweep a little more. after only a few rounds of this, I began to sense this slight separation between a bigger knowing, observing Mind just watching the whining, suffering emotional body below. I was able to finish about 20 minutes more sweeping without suffering! The whining continued, but it was like "I" didn't care anymore. Or perhaps "I" was whining/my ego was dying and God didn't care anymore? I guess this is what my teacher means when he constantly tells me to just acknowledge--be the observer, not the sufferer. It is possible!

I feel sad a lot these days. Sad, angry, greedy...missing home, missing friends, missing family...wanting to eat a lot to self-medicate. knowing this does not help. Knowing I feel really good when I leave my body empty in the evening and use that stillness as my digestion rests to burn up defilements and develop stillness in the mind. Not yet understanding why this Knowing is often not enough to help me make right choices...old addictive habits are so hard to break. The 12 steps of AA have been on my mind lately, and the fact that I worked steps 1-3 (I'm powerless over my addiction and my life is unmanageable, I realize a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, and I've made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him), balked at step 4 (a searching and fearless moral inventory--yikes! who wants to do one of those!?!?), and now sit with myself and God doing intense Step 11 work (sought through prayer and meditation to improve contact with my higher power) without 4-10! (moral inventory, admitting my flaws to myself another person and God, making ammends where possible...I forget the rest of the steps) Any advice/comiseration is welcome! ;)

I love everyone and hope all are well!I suppose this has been a lot of complaigning...I'm in a rough space (it comes and goes, but for this journey and from this place on my path, it seems easier to make the time to write to ask for help and share difficulty rather than sending home rainbows and roses...). Wanted everyone to know I am still alive, got my 90 day non-immigrant visa which I should be extending to a year within the next month or so, and still doing my best to walk on this path back to God/Truth. Seems to me its the only path that matters.

Blessings in Dhamma!Maechee Mare :)

PS- I got this forward from a sweet spirit-friend on a day when I was very troubled by visa issues and deeper doubts...it was a comfort to me and I've been meaning to pass it on:

SPECIAL MESSAGE
GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOUEverything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they willnot" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surelyachieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperitywill be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne hasremembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless theperson reading this message".. God smiled and answered... Request granted.
If you believe this message, send it to seven persons and the one who sent it to you.By doing this you have succeeded in praying for eight people today.

Universal reflections

2007-02-10T02:31:00.000-08:00

A nun's life is a lot less meditation than I was hoping for, but it's an excellent lesson in incorporating mindfulness into everything I do. There is a ridiculous amount of petty gossip at this temple. I wonder, since I believe the universe reflects my internal perceptions and concepts...what's going on in my heart that brought me to this gossipy place??? I have a ways to walk yet on this journey.

dreams and reflections (blather blather blather)

2007-02-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

Just had a dream (last night? or yesterday?) about hiking in the desert with Rob where we did our vision quest--the catalyst for this journey in SE Asia (and the deeper journey through the recesses of my unexplored heart). We encountered a mountain lion...she was in some brush up the canyon wall to the left of us. I spotted her, stopped and hushed Rob and pointed in awe. She lept from the wall and knocked me down, but it was only play wrestling and we tusseled in good fun for a few minutes. I was also aware of a black bear off in the distance across the creek keeping watch...after wrestling with this enormous cat as she clawlessly pawed at me and play bit my arms, legs, and face, I sat down with her to meditate next to the creek and she laid her head in my lap and I stroked her fur. She flicked her tail and Rob squatted in the background in awe. cool dream. Think I'm taming my fears here? ;)

Many of the nuns here love ordained life and are encouraging me not to disrobe. I've only been ordained 2 weeks and have a lot to learn about a lot of things, but I do like being a nun. Progress is good. I was really struggling Feb 2, but the pain broke and I'm feeling much more tranquil today. it's all aniccia. :) There are 1500 monks coming Thursday for a ceremony to change their titles/ranks. wow...that's a lot of orange fabric. lol...and a lot of mouths to feed! My duty is to help prepare and serve tea, coffee, and water to the monks during the day.

Side note, the abbot here is so awesome. He is so compassionate and kind and generous with his time. Our temple went to the funeral of a 101 year old monk the other day (he actually died 3 years ago! zoinks! funerals of major monks are often major fundraisers for the temple...this one was probably an arahant--an enlightened being. I think he was finally creamated yesterday, but I'm not sure...) and the Number 2 monk in thai buddhism (equivalent to the top cardinal under the pope, I think) came and paid respect to my teacher! wow...this same monk sits on a sheepskin rug for hours at a time hearing meditation reports and teaching Dhamma to anyone that comes to ask--even baby beginners like me! I feel so fortunate to be here. and so grateful to every link in the chain that has brought me to this point in my life--this geographic place, this open hearted spirit, this wounded but healing mind...it's funny, when you ask a buddhist what's important, they say "purifying the mind" and then point to their hearts!

Strange that spiritual growth is so scary, eh? It totally is...I think because it involves the realization that everything we've always held dear is an illusion, doesn't really matter in the long run, and has only arisen to pass away. How frustrating that there is No Thing to hold onto in this life. I'm coming to believe we are born to transcend ignorance and come home to God, who really will take care of us perfectly if we let go and allow it. The reality of this letting go is still a struggle to realize for me. I feel like I'm walking a line between taking the next step in letting go and trusting versus trying to grab on for dear life again...at least the life I knew. Funny--the way I was living brought me so much frustration and misery--why do I want to return? Ah, the black hole gravitational pull of the familiar...that's what running home would be. back to Ut, back on my bike and off to Colorado. well, that's years in the future, I think. no need to plan it yet. Love!

Ordination

2007-01-28T01:28:00.000-08:00

So I am officially a week into my experience as a Buddhist nun in Thailand. I have been amazed at the complexity of temple politics, the expense required to renounce the lay life, and the minimal time I have spent practicing since ordination! And I don't even have my non-immigrant visa to be sure I can stay, yet...already a can of worms. Well, practice has been a struggle the last few days--tons of anger, craving, greed, rage, heat, and physical/emotional suffering coming up. Thinking thinking thinking...doubting my decision to be here. Feeling totally supported by my teacher, but acutely aware that he is only mid-range on the monk-totem pole and therefore not always able to help me with the politics of getting what I need to stay here (referring to visa issues, especially).

I have some pix from my ordination ceremony, but my teacher is very busy and hasn't had time to burn them to CD for me. I'll get them posted ASAP so y'all can picture my bald-headed eyebrow-less white robed new "look." As a fine black-ish patina of fuzz comes in on my grey scalp and covers the brown part-tan, multiple moles I didn't know I had, and ridges and dents (mom, how often was I dropped on my head growing up??), I feel like a chia pet. It's kinda fun to play with...I wonder how long it will grow in a month?

Two weeks before leaving the states, I lost my taste for Thai food and became a bit worried that returning was the best choice. Especially as 3 people I hold very dear told me within the same week that I should consider my decision very carefully given the opportunities I have in the states right now and the fact that chasing happiness half-way around the world isn't going to work any better than chasing it around the states. My hope was to finish the meditation course I began, practice practice practice so hopefully some peace will come home with me, and possibly get trained to teach this technique. Trick is, it takes about 3 weeks of full time study to really learn. I still recommend SN Goenka's 10 day approach. It's not the way I practice right now, but I got great benefit from it and may return to try again when this process finishes.

Blessings and love to all! Thanks everyone for the notes of love and support! May all beings be well and happy!

10 days of breath at Suan Mokk International

2006-12-11T02:59:00.000-08:00

It was eerie how easily I returned to this society. How much Bangkok felt like just another manifestation of home for me. I just finished my first endeavor back in Thailand: another 10 day meditation retreat. :) This one, at Buddhassa Bhikku's Suan Mokk International Center near Surathani in the south, began at 4 AM and incorporated walking and sitting meditation, an hour of yoga in the morning, multiple dhamma talks and meditation instruction each day, evening Buddhist chanting, and two opportunities per day for soaking in the natural mineral hotsprings on the temple grounds (wow!). Two yummie thai meals and hot chocolate in the evenings were our physical sustainance. Silent community and the company of many monks, nuns, and experienced practitioners were our mental/spiritual sustainance.

The 5 meditation halls were open air and one had only a bare sand floor. We sat on simple meditation cushions on burlap sacks--the sand was much easier on the hips and ankles than the concrete I am used to. In the evenings, we did a group walking meditation under the starry sky around a large pond teeming with life--fish, insects, frogs, snakes.

They taught that peace is within, in the same place as aggitation and suffering and does not depend on forests, temples, or shrines. As a suffering person who has been seeking reprieve by changing my geography repeatedly over the last 5 years, this was big news! They also stressed the Buddhist Law of Dependent Origination (aka the Wheel of Becoming) and not attaching to "I" and "Mine". Our individualistic attachments to perceived feelings from the 6 sense doors and their objects create the "crack" in reality where suffering perpetuates--where the false, dualistic "good vs. bad" world-view springs from. This clarified for me why guarding the 6 sense doors is important, so that was very useful.

I also learned that Life is a Process. There are no things. I have had an intellectual understanding of this for some time, now, but it always left me feeling empty and meaningless--sometimes quite depressed. No wisdom. For some reason hearing it here and at this time in my life, "Life is a Process" helped me very much. It's not that nothing is real, just that everything is constantly changing. Now I need to sit and observe myself to realize this experientially.

I also found here something I already knew: I did not maintain my walking and sitting practice well enough at home in the states! My concentration is not very strong at the moment. We studied anapanasati all 10 days and the last two days I got very restless. I did my best to just sit still and observe and generate metta--loving-kindness towards all beings. It was challenging. I feel I found better results with vipassana/constant mindfulness and will return to that practice now. I am looking forward to returning to Wat Sri Chomtong next week.

May all beings be well and happy!

The return begins

2006-11-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

phew, just got "home" to my dad's place after my third yummie thanksgiving this year. leaving tomorrow to return to Thailand. finishing up last minute details. part of me is wishing I had brought my backpacking pack cuz everything I want would fit in it, but part of me is glad cuz I don't want to lug all that crap around for a long time... I don't feel like I'm trying to bring much more than I managed to bring last time, so hopefully it will all fit in my daypack again. packing is the least tasteful part of traveling for me. And I still have several "business day only" errands to do tomorrow before catching a bus to a train to a bus to the airport. I'm not really stressed though. Nothing like my usual travel anxiety. it's kinda nice. It doesn't feel real--I'm gonna be back in Bangkok in 3 days. like it's a perfectly normal thing for me to do with my life now. just the next step...surreal for the homebody I used to be. hanging with old friends in san diego has also been surreal. The weather was perfect...swam in the ocean...mmmmm. Blessings!

Home safe

2006-07-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

After 5.5 hours on the plane overnight from Bangkok to Osaka, Japan,
I used my 10 hour layover to go hike along a gorgeous forested creek
in Japan's foothills to a 1300 year old temple next to a sacred
waterfall...wow. Standing in the cold stream water, I washed my
tired feet, lower legs, arms, and face and contemplated the changing
nature of the universe as the water poured and tumbled over the
rocks into the pool and the streambed below. I'm not consciously in
Nibbana yet, but I can see how sitting by a river all day could get
me there eventually.

I took a bus and a train back to the airport (public transportation
is so plentiful it's confusing where I visited! but it was $8 each
way for a 45 minute trip...Japan is not cheap...) to find our plane
was delayed by 2 hours, so I took 5 minutes of a $5 15-minute shower
(worth every penny!), got some authentic Japanese sushi from the
little convenience store-- $7 for two rolls and some rice
balls(yummie! and about half-price compared to the airport
restaurant), stared at the island's gorgeous green mountains, and
read about buddhism while waiting to board.

Once they'd loaded us all onto the 95% full double-decker 747, we
took off from the strange island of KIX (not sure if it's landfill
or floating somehow, or what, but the whole airport
complex--multiple runways, terminal buildings, and a road/train
bridge connection to to mailand--is out in the middle of the ocean!
it's about a 6 minute train ride to the nearest mainland train
station...very strange to see from the air--the sea appears to come
right up to the edge of the pavement. Tsunami hazards and earthquake
liquifaction come to mind...but I guess Japan is so mountainous and
flat developable land is so valuable, paving an airport on the
island proper was out of the question) and flew for 10.5 hours to
LAX. The Japanese woman next to me spoke pretty good english and was
very friendly and positive. I really enjoyed sitting next to her. It
was funny though, when my raw vegetarian breakfast came (who knew
they had raw vegetarian as a menu choice??? It was awesome! The best
plane meal I've ever had), she peered over at my plate and gasped in
surprise as if some mistake had been made: "but there's no meat on
your plate!" "Nope, I'm vegetarian." "Why isn't there any meat on
your plate? Why don't you eat meat?" The shock in her voice took me
by surprise. It seemed she'd never even heard of vegetarianism, let
alone met one before. Reasons not to eat meat abound and I select
the few I feel like sharing today: "I don't like the way the animals
are treated and I don't like growth hormones and antibiotics in my
food..." She turns back to her own plate with a small shrug in
disbelief. We part amicably in LA, having arrived 5 hours BEFORE we
left Japan(?!?) and only 12 hours after departure from Bangkok...no
wonder my body feels so confused and my mind is infused with
molasses.

just letting y'all know I'm here in one piece and getting my
bearings. The return to LA has not been too emotionally painful, so
I'm greatful for that. Cleaning out storage is also easier than I
expected so far. Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow more than
half-conscious and get some more business done before heading to
Vegas to visit my grandparents for 3 days. :) Next week is hanging
out in SoCal week...

Intentions coming to fruition: teaching and temple living in Phitchit Thailand

2006-05-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

Thai kids are amazing. Well, at least the upper-class Thai kids I work with. They are respectful, attentive, dilligent, and eager to learn. The effort I put in is exactly what comes back--teaching here is a good mirror for me and I'm learning a lot. I also have 2-3 monks that study conversational English with me an hour a day 5 days a week. Buddhist monks are among the coolest people on the planet, right up there with wilderness therapy field staff.

I've changed rooms in the concrete house I complained about in an old blog--the room away from the street with blue and green curtains is much more pleasant than the front room with yellow curtains. Though it matters little now as I'm mostly living at the temple Wat Tat Luang rather than the house. Vipassana sitting and walking meditation as much as I want. The temple is such a beautiful place to practice. The nuns are teaching me Thai and I'm teaching them English--we have "class" by pointing, gesturing, repeating, and exchanging a healthy dose of quizical expressions and near-random guesses while washing the breakfast and lunch dishes. After morning chanting and meditation (4AM-6AM...I get up at 3:30 nearly every day now), I'm learning Thai cooking by helping the nuns make breakfast. Leftovers are stored under a 3' diameter woven basket-dome thingy to keep flies away and that's what we eat for lunch, supplemented by extra alms brought over by the monks--one monk even gave some bananas and mangos especially for me! There is no dinner. Thai food has a tremendous amount of sugar, oil, and coconut milk...no wonder I love it! I also teach a little english class one hour per day during the week for a few monks that want to improve. It's so fun.

All the nuns like me and smile at me, though I think I make some of them uncomfortable since I don't yet speak much Thai and they don't speak much (or any) English...They were hesitant about me at first, but now that they’ve seen I’m ernestly interested and work very hard at meditation, and they know that I’m trying to learn Thai to communicate and I laugh easily, we are all having a great time together. Sometimes I feel like an exotic pet, especially when the head nun (whose head comes about up to the bottom of my deltoid...) takes me somewhere literally by the hand, or out for a walk around the temple grounds (which are quite large—8 nuns, 49 monks, and 200 novices (monks-in-training, under 18) live here. There is a 2-story school for the novices, a large temple where the buddha image is kept, a huge 3-story chanting hall I haven’t been in yet, and a crematorium, which is a bit creepy...), but it’s all in good spirits. The monk that teaches Vipassana Meditation does not speak much English, so he referred me to his friend at a temple in Chiang Mai. I am learning the Buddha’s teachings through the few English books the teacher has on hand and via cell phone for 20-45 minutes every morning.

Today, I basically got a job offer to assist in a phD research project combining organic farming and meditation for improving public health hollistically throughout Thailand. I need to get details, but I'm pretty stoked. Who knew I would find a job in my field half-way around the world!?!?

I did not think the temple stay or english teaching intentions I set for this trip would come to fruition, but here they are. :) I am so much more present with myself here than I was at home. My depression and sense of worthlessness/inadequacy is fading. I am finding direction in my life by following my heart and meditating here in Thailand, a journey inspired by my heart. To succeed in life, we must choose a path and walk it. When wandering aimlessly, we spend a lot of energy and don't get very far. There are many paths to the truth of the universe. Teachers can help a lot, but we must ultimately find our own way. Buddhist Dhamma (Buddha's teachings) says the ultimate purpose of life is to purify your mind--eliminate the defilements of negativity, clinging, aversion, and greed. Jesus said we should follow the golden rule and live compassionately. It seems to me these are both men that followed their hearts and found universal truth. That's what I want. Jesus and Buddha both got enlightened around 30 years old. I think the 20's are for wandering and seeking and learning. Internal clarity and direction get distilled by the process. Just start walking and your direction will become clear. At home, my tendency to feel lost, mis-guided and useless was much stronger. I often felt that way at the beginning of this trip, but decreasingly so lately. I want to stay...

It’s a bit strange that I’ve landed in Phitchit. It’s kindof a shit town, really. It’s not even close to my list of fabulous places to see in Thailand, let alone a place I would have chosen to root myself by any usual traveler’s criteria (beautiful scenery, interesting culture or history, particularly lovely people...), yet here I am. Learning exactly what I came here to learn (following my heart, speaking Thai, Thai cooking (some of the nuns are great cooks!), discipline, buddhist practices/meditations, temple culture, family home-stay), teaching what I know how to teach, and finding a little peace for my soul. Blessed be; this is the stuff dreams are made of. If anyone has any compelling reasons I should come home, speak up! I have 6 weeks to decide...

PS- sent this insight to a friend and thought I’d pass it on: One thing I have been working on for years is what "success" means (cuz I long ago rejected the Great Gatsby/American success model: a fancy car and a big house and nice clothes and smart children and a loving husband...chuck it all, I just want to see the world and know myself and reflect love wherever I go). The early 20s is also a time for breaking away from your parents' mold and stepping out as an adult--as your own person. This is kinda scary. Our feeling is that we must step out in the right form (like a butterfly--if it emerges from the cuccoon too early, it will be deformed, and who wants to be deformed??), so we wait, or take independence tentatively, step-by-step and look back to our parents for approval that we are going the right way at the right time. We still need guidance in our 20's and our parents are the ones we have always looked to, so we continue to look to them for approval. The reality of adulthood is finding new teachers and ultimately learning to look to ourselves for approval. Learning to know when our actions are "good" according to our own heart's judgement. Good luck.

mmmmmmmm, tropical islands...Koh Pagnan, Thailand

2006-05-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

I sit before this machine in touch with my heart, home right here. right now.
three times in the last 5 days I was so struck by natural beauty I was brought nearly to tears. 3 days on Koh Pagnan in the Gulf of Thailand. 72 hours of doing only what I wanted, and nothing I didn't. mmmmm, hiking alone in the jungle over steep-sided granite mountains. Sleeping in hammocks under mosquito netting, steel roofs, massive thunderstorms, and the stars. Swimming alone in a secluded tropical cove at dawn. Honoring the display with sun salutations, stretching my body and my soul. Walking coral-strewn white sand beaches bare foot. Diving feet first into a sacred waterfall. Snorkeling around Koh Ma and swimming with baracudas; herding, observing, and playing preditor poking "holes" in a school of at least 100 yellow-striped silver fish, each 8-12" long and 4-5" tall.

I want to clarify Ode to Those I Left Behind. I don't really want the first to fly here and be with me, the second to leave his beloved, nor the last to wait till I return...those were the desperate clinging wishes of my loneliness in the moment I was writing. I was writing from a dark and lonely place and was incapable of seeing myself clearly and understanding my own heart.

Many of my decades old assumptions about tons of things and people and interactions on so many levels have been turned on their heads. For the better.

I am gaining clarity in my heart, groundedness in my body, connection to my soul. I feel pretty well on track for 26. Yesterday, in the midst of my 26 hour journey from Koh Pagnan to Phitchit via boat to night bus through Bangkok to train, I sat for about 40 minutes at a picnic table by a river and drew a brainstorm with myself in the center. I surrounded stick-figure me with written phrases that are important to me right now. I am trying to piece together the meaning of life, and particularly where spiritual practice and ceremony fits in that. There is beauty and power and grace in acknowledging growth. Marking progress. Looking back once in a while to see how far one has come, instead of looking always forward at the seemingly endless road ahead. The milestones we reach plodding along one step at a time remind us that the journey ahead will also be covered one step at a time. Gives us strength to take that next step when maybe it looks too hard or too big.

Tomorrow is my first day teaching. I am very excited about it. It is also a very important (perhaps the most important?) buddhist holiday--the anniversary of Buddha's death/passage into the final Nibbana (Nirvana). The family running the school I'm teaching at here is going to take me to the temple to walk three times around it and offer candles and inscense. Interesting that my personal thresholds have co-incided with bigger thresholds in the last few years. More on that when it happens.

Roots in Pitchit, Thailand

2006-05-04T01:22:00.000-07:00

I just got a job for 6 weeks for sure, possibly extendable through October...starts May 13th, so we shall see. I'm excited at the prospect of rooting myself here and spending 6 months in Thailand, as I envisioned on this trip (not just running sight to sight and country to country across SE Asia as I've been doing the last 4 months), but I just finished WWOOFing for 10 days... I got used to sleeping in a tent pitched on the concrete slab floor of an earth-brick shelter with two blankets for a bed in the middle of about 3 acres of restored tropical forest in a moderately primitive village-town 50 km from the nearest city. My neighbors were a few minutes' walk away and in the center of the village (adjacent to the land I called home for 10 days) was a sizeable forested temple complex. Being back in an electrified house the owner advises me to lock constantly in a concrete-yard/tract-home neighborhood with construction noise first thing in the AM and some funky energy is not sitting well with me. I couldn't sleep last night. I do not like the electrified, closed in, locked up feel of the house. I'm going to ask if I can live at the temple while I teach...not sure how far away it is, but the monks walk by barefoot every morning for alms, so hopefully it's not too far.

I now have to decide what to do with the next week, as it will either be my second to last stretch of time longer than 3 days to travel before my flight home July 10th, or my last chance before the school year ends in October. I haven't decided between Chiang Mai (and possibly Mae Hong Son, Pai, and Chiang Rai?) and Koh Pagnan or Koh Chang (the little island near Ranong on Thailand's western peninsula, not the big one near Cambodia) for the next week before school starts. I could really use some dental work and I gotta find teacher-y looking clothes where they sell to tourists...I went shoping at a thai department store and I am considerably larger than a Thai XL. Well, I didn't want to pay 480 Baht ($12) for a shirt anyway. ;)

and (shock of shocks, horror of horrors, yesladiesandgentlemen hellhasinfactfrozenover...) I have a cell phone. blargh. I didn't buy it and haven't yet paid for time on it, but the school guy gave me one to borrow while I'm here.

The Vast Expanse (borrowed)

2006-05-04T01:18:00.000-07:00

Got this from a friend's blog and wanted to pass it on. This is exactly where I'm at spiritually right now. Been comin on for about a year. SE Asia is quite a place to kick back and soak up the spirit.

THE VAST EXPANSE
I acknowledge the privilege of being alive in a human body at this
moment, endowed with senses, memories, emotions, thoughts, and the space of mind in its wisdom aspect.
It is the prayer of my innermost being to realize my supreme identity
in the liberated play of consciousness, the Vast Expanse. Now is the moment, Here is the place of Liberation.

Witness the contents of mind, the visions and sounds, the thoughts, as
clouds passing through the vast expanse - the sky-like nature of mind.
The rootedness of Being is in emptiness, clarity and awareness: unborn,
unspoilt, stainlessly pure.

The infinite vibratory levels, the dimensions of interconnectedness are
without end. There is nothing independent. All beings and things are
residents in your awareness.

I subject my awareness to the perfection of being, the perfection of
wisdom and perfection of love, all of these being co-present in the Vast
Expanse. I share this panorama of Being and appreciate all I can share it
with...the seamless interweaving of consciousness with each moment.

Create perfection wherever you go with your awareness. That is why this
teaching is admired by artists--they sense the correctness of the
response to life as creative. Life is infinite creative play. Enjoyment and
participation in this creative play is the artists profound joy. We co-author every moment with universal creativity.

To bare our souls is all we ask, to give all we have to life and the
beings surrounding us. Here the nature spirits are intense and we appreciate them, make offerings to them--these nature spirits who call us here--sealing our fate with each other, celebrating our love.

I am an intersecting kaleidoscope of Being in a rainbow refractive wave
pattern: a corpuscle of light on the ocean...the transparency of my
body with the rocks...sometimes the only way to summarize my feelings is to draw--to collapse the frenzy in my limbs enough to make a mark out of
profound appreciation for my existence.

Share your presence with others, no boundaries, completely openly
lovingly. Love is what makes us alive, that is why we feel so alive when we love. Service is being available to love. Life is the combustion of love.
That we love ourselves here, that is the true magnificence in the mountains of being. We are constantly drawing the line between love and not
love--enter into the Non-duality Zone, and all judgements dissolve in the Vast Expanse.

It's as though we are co-conspirators of consciousness--everyone,
everywhere, everywhen, mixing up our openable minds. It's as though we
could gather clouds in the sky and people into our lives. Like an eruption of consciousness, we discover the most important force is love. Experience
yourself as the Source and appreciate every moment as perfection.
Sunrise--Sunset. Thank you, Thank you, Creator, profound unstoppable
connectedness of all beings, pattern to everything, most radical no-thing,
the Vast Expanse.

Alex Grey
August 22,1994

WWOOFing, Thailand

2006-04-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

The universe expands to meet one's capacity to see its potential and believe.
(That sounded a lot cooler when I thought of it a minute ago...blasted slow internet connections spoiling my inspiration...at least I have the internet connection, though)

I've been working at an Earth-house building site for the last 3 days in a pretty remote Thai village. The nearest city is Chaiyaphum, nearly 2 hours away. The land I'm living on is gorgeous! The owner bought it from a rice/sugarcane mono-culture farmer and re-forested it. He designed and built his own home, as well as several project structures on his property. The Earth construction is amazing--his buildings look like mushrooms and have a phenomenal feel--very much alive. I've learned to make bricks, mortar, and plaster from clay, sand, rice hulls, and water; how to lay bricks; frame windows and doors; plaster the walls; create brick bookshelves and furniture; support the structure while it dries; and make natural "paint" from boiling water, tapioca starch, sand, and clay (for color)--the substance feels like semi-cooled jello, or gelatinous slime and is applied by hand. Coolest fingerpainting job ever. I want to build and live in one of these!

More Vipassana story details

2006-04-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

I arrived in Bangkok the night before the course after a 13 hour bus journey from Siem Reap, Cambodia (a 9 hour drive and a 4 hour wait at the boarder for the bus from Phenom Penh...grrrr) and stayed on the internet till 3AM (it was free, man!), then got up at 6:30 to take care of all my city business (more email, mailing a package home, breakfast...) before muddling my way through Bangkok's public bus system to the retreat center.

My first impression of the center was wonderful! set about a half-km from the main road, surrounded by rice fields and home-gardens, the place was pretty quiet and very green--trees and grasses and a lotus pond landscaped the grounds. The bulidings were simple, mostly white structures circa 1970's style arcitecture. Women's quarters on one side, men's on the other and a central walk-way connecting the dining hall and the beautiful meditation hall topped with a golden stuppa. Upon arrival and check in, I forked over my valuables, all "bodily decoration" ie jewelery, camera, journal, and all reading materials. No contact with the outside world for 10 days (they looked at me with shock when I said I didn't have a cell phone...I thought this was funny). I filled out the application form--a physical, emotional, and psychological evaluation, which I answered mostly honestly--and was shown to my residential quarters by a very kind smiling dhamma worker that spoke pretty good english.

My living space for the next 10 days was a simple Thai twin matress (about 2" of dense foam) on a white-washed wooden platform, a small desk and stool, and about another twin bed's worth of floor space covered with cracked light blue tiles. Over the desk was a window over the laundry area where I could glimpse the tree-shaded grounds from a certain angle. I returned to the mini hall for english orientation, where the rules we had read and agreed to were re-iterated: Vipassana requires new students to adopt 5 of the 8 Buddhist precepts of morality: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no consuming intoxicants, and no sexual misconduct (so basically the way I already live...). Old students (those who have completed at least one course) must also forgo high and luxurious beds, eat nothing after noon each day (the rest of us could have some fruit and bread/jam), and no bodily decoration. The sexes were segregated from registration until breakfast on the last day, and we were prohibited from speaking to one another, no eye contact, and no physical contact. We could ask the teacher questions about the technique during two interview periods each day, and we could ask the dhamma workers questions about our physical needs (more toilet paper, reporting something broken in the room...) and that was it.

Post orientation was our last dinner for the next ten days: some tastey pad-see-ew (fried rice noodles about an inch wide with vegetables and tofu), fruit, peanuts, and an assortment of teas, coffee, soy-milk, or hot chocolate. Bread and cookies were also always available, but I tried not to partake of them. I went to rest in my room for a few hours before the first sit of the retreat. I accidentally fell asleep and was late to the first evening's sit--everyone was lined up and waiting for me to enter the pagoda. I was a bit embarrassed, but oh well.

The technique begins with anapana meditation: focusing your attention solely on the breath with no mantra. Staying totally present. This nearly drove me insane (or brought out my insanity?). I felt like the child of my ego has years of experience playing contentedly with the toy of my past memories and future plans, but I took them away and told the child to sit still and be quiet with nothing to do for 10 hours a day every day. My ego did not like this. It kept throwing emotional tantrums, or sneaking off with my consciousness to think about past regrets or future plans (I have many of both, though increasingly more of the latter). My body ached in ways I did not realize were possible the first two days...by the third day, I was nearly recovered from my journey from Cambodia and my body was growing accustomed to sitting 10 hours a day, but I was still having tremendous difficulty keeping my mind focused for more than 30 seconds at a time without then wandering off for 15-20 minutes. I felt like a meditation failure and did not know if I could stick it out the whole 10 days. But I hung on because I'd made the commitment.

I'm glad I did, because at the end of day 3, the teacher, Goenka, tells you during the evening DVD discourse that struggling on day 2 is totally normal. Many people pack up and leave on day two, and it's not until day 4 that we actually start learning Vipassana. The first 3 days are like digging and laying the mental foundation for the Vipassana technique. I wish they'd told us this BEFORE day 2! (tho maybe they did while I was asleep?? oops)

Once the mind is in a fairly calm state, Vipassana teaches you to pass your attention over the entire body part by part and notice where sensations come up. As you process the sensations present in your body, old emotional reactions come up and you are able to remain consciously equanimous and dis-empower them. The idea is to bring your conscious mind down to the deeper awareness level of your sub-conscious mind and break the emotional reaction chain to liberate the self and the soul from suffering.

I had a lot of heat sensations come up as I sweated out stored up anger...Also some persistent tingling and pain in my right hip and knee--I haven't yet figured out what this means, but I just try to be present with it. During the 6 days of serious Vipassana practice (day 10 is more relaxed--like an integration day so return to regular life is eased), I had a few moments of free-flow through-out the body and got a taste of the impermenance of the body. The strong tingling sensation that rushes through me in waves when I feel present in the Utah desert or the mountains of California only came up once or twice, which surprised me. I expected to experience it more, but I guess that's what I get for having expectations.

Finally, the last day we learned to close our Vipassana sessions with a few minutes of Meta meditation where you pray that all beings may be free from suffering, full of peace and happiness and love, and share in my love and peace and harmony and merits. There is a lot more to it, but we were specifically cautioned against teaching the technique and told only to give general descriptions, share our personal experience (many many benefits! less emotional reactions, increased general calm and peace with my place in the world and the reality of my life...), and encourage people to sit a course if we so desire (and I highly recommend a course to everyone! www.dhamma.org is a great resource for Vipassana taught by SN Goenka)--incomplete instruction may confuse folks and the theory of the technique is meaningless without practice. Continuing the practice, we are supposed to meditate one hour each morning and one hour each evening without fail. Plus reviewing the body's sensations the last 5 minutes before sleep and the first 5 minutes after awakening (and whenever else during the day that you can...constant practice is key to success of the technique). There is also no specific posture, except it's better if the spine is straight and you should sit as still as possible for the full hour. Also, try to get together with other Vipassana meditators at least once per week to share energy and practice together.

I gained a lot of respect for the kids at Aspen (the ranch, especially)--watching my own mind in this intense emotional processing setting I learned a lot about myself. I also found myself sneaking peeks at the men's side of the retreat center--not because I was particularly interested; mostly because I was not supposed to. And also when I sat on the side of the dining hall that looked out on the street, I felt a longing to run...I had no where better to be, but the closed gate and easy street access were so tempting as an escape from my mental anguish the first few days. I soon learned to sit facing the other way until my process progressed a bit. I could again sit wherever I wanted by about day 5 or 6 without discomfort or longing to be elsewhere. Quite an experience.

The teacher, SN Goenka, is from Bhurma and grew up in an afluent family and became a successful businessman before discovering a vipassana meditation teacher and starting on the path himself. He's a very funny guy, though I hear a bit of ego in him yet at times during his teachings. I believe he now lives in India and still teaches the longer courses (30-45 days) and oversees the establishment of new centers all over the world. His wisdom is presented in DVD format one hour each night and supplemented by a human assistant teacher (a woman! I thought that was cool) that oversaw most of our meditation sessions and played Goenka's voice (interspersed with Thai translations) via audio tape to give technique instructions and chant in Pali several times a day.

I feel like my path--for this journey and the rest of my life--is laid before me like a dense spiderweb covering the entire earth; a tremendous array of possible options of which I have to choose one way at each junction. At one time, this perspective completely overwhelmed me. Now I see, it just is.

Photos and plans

2006-04-17T02:50:00.000-07:00

Still in Bangkok, still at the Israeli guest house with free high speed internet. :) Tons of new photos up. The website is http://photos.yahoo.com/marabeth_m42 for those that have forgotten My hair is growing in--longer than my ears by about an inch. I am ready to grow it out again, I think, unless I ordain as a Buddhist nun for a month while I'm here...I may not though as I just got a potential english teaching job offer from May 10th-end of June...

Tonight I went to a capoeira class and got worked! It feels great, but I can barely walk on these jello-y legs. My next step in this journey will come in a few days: WWOOFing on an organic farm about 5 hours north of Bangkok until my Thai visa runs out May 3. :) I will then probably travel down to Malasia to get a 60 day Thai tourist visa (boarder runs are annoying and I want to focus on Thailand) and see a new country. It sounds like an amazing place from the travel stories and descriptions shared by the woman I am staying with in BKK (we met at the Vipassana retreat--she's from Holland, also 26 and seeking...), though the english teaching job would start May 10th and only leave me 3 weeks from the end of June to July 11th to play before my plane ticket ends (unless I can extend it or decide to chuck it and buy a new one later). I still want to do a yoga retreat for at least a week (pref'ly a month) on an island in the south of thailand, maybe return to Siem Reap and hopefully Sapa in northern Vietnam, and maybe sit or serve another 10-day Vipassana course in the northern Thai center which I hear is in the mountains and is very beautiful...I'm not sure the English teaching will earn me enough money to buy a new return plane ticket, so I have to think about this very carefully before I accept. It sounds and feels right at first blush, though...

I feel like my path is laid before me like a dense spiderweb covering the entire earth--a tremendous array of possible options. It's not so overwhelming now, though. It just is.

The day after March 28th, 2006

2006-03-29T09:18:00.000-08:00

I experienced this strange shift in my consciousness the day after my 26th bday. I felt like at 25, feeling lost and searching for purpose in life was totally acceptable. Like working 4-6 months a year and dicking around the rest of the time was an ok way to support myself and contribute to my community. But suddenly, less than 48 hours later, I felt like I should already be married and settled down with a kid or two and employed at a steady full-time job. Like perhaps a $9000 annual income is less than I'm worth. I definitely look at my life, my decision making, and the way I spend my time in a new light now. Watching a couple of my friends with their kids, I've been inspired to probably have at least one of my own some day (this is a shocking revelation to my "humans cause environmental degredation and therefor we should cease reproduction" side, but I feel it's a thought that's been brewing for some time in me), depending on who the universe lands in my life...

Happy Birthday to me (at ANKOR WAT!!!)!

2006-03-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

I overslept and missed the sunrise at Ankor, but the relaxing morning breakfast of cambodian pancake and honey was an excellent treat and the start of a beautiful day.

I rented a bicycle for the 10km journey to Ankor Wat, mother of all ancient temples. And that she is. I can't capture this place in words. I bought the $40 3 day ticket and could easily have stayed for a week. The road to the temples is largely flanked by 3 foot wide, 150 foot tall trees towering over a dense undergrowth that create quite the idylic jungle scene and provide much welcome shade in this tropical heat. Huge stones (primarily laterite, sandstone, and granite) dragged here by elephant from a mountain 75 km away (!) are expertly masoned into incomprehensible temples and covered with intricate carvings. Each flower in the doorways is unique. Each massive bas-relief depicting a battle between good and evil ornate and beautifully preserved for several hundred years. Steep stone steps about 1'4" high by 4" wide means one must get in touch with their inner mountain goat to enter the temple's heart where the dieties live (hindu or buddha, depending on the time the temple was built and who was in power at the time). I had an awesome day bicycling around and exploring these massive stone complexes.

I finished my day at a buffet dinner with ample khmer desert (yum!) and a traditional dance show. $12 is quite a splurge for such things (considering I could live for about 3 days on that money in Laos...), but it was worth it. The costumes were gorgeous jewel-toned sequined numbers. One scene involved a woman dressed as a fish arguing with a man cartwheeling and tumbling around the stage dressed as a demon. Not sure entirely what was going on, but it looked really cool.

Poetry

2006-03-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

A lot of poetry around my woundedness has been coming up, so I thought I'd share. Most of the scenery poems are way old (from Thailand and Laos) and not that good. Most of the woundedness poems were written in Vietnam and Cambodia:

//
Ode to those I left behind

If I lied and told you I'd been kidnapped in a Cambodian jungle,
would you come lay with me on this tropical beach?

If I return to Utah's amazing red-rock desert,
will you forget your beloved and be with me?

Do you still wait for this woman you met and fell for so quickly
that promptly flew half-way around the world to chase her dreams?

If I return, can we pick up where we left off,
as though no time had passed
and no journey had been taken?

Should we?

//
Spiderweb clings to morning dew
thirsty for her sparkling decoration
while it lasts.

Morning dew clings to spiderweb
hungry for purpose;
fearful of dripping and disappearing into the ground.

Neither sees the starvation
their vanity brings
for the webspinner
and the Earth below.

//
What purpose has a fierce gate
across your driveway
with no fence around your yard?

//
Children, no grown-up inhibitions.
so beautiful!
Let us all laugh and sing so freely

//
If we are all one (and we are),
If it does not matter where we are
nor what we do (and it doesn't),

Then why not see beauty?

Whatever the test,
laughing is divinity's answer

//
Gentle tropical breeze whispers
"Come to me"

Barely a hint of the monsoon gales that rip through in their season.

Seashells lay quiet on the sand,
secrets of the ocean and the universe revealed to the patient
and the willing to search.

I pocket a handful, carefully selected mementos;
reminders of the magic where I've been.
Tokens--pieces of what I've seen to share.

//
No pen and paper, my love?
Dance poetry with your body.

Lost your voice?
Sing to me with your eyes.

This place, This place! you cry...
Always mirroring your soul

//
The rising tide ripples onto shore,
laps at your ankles,
offers you a smile.

Give up your problems, worries, and cares!
This ocean is a big vessel.
Let her lighten your load.

//
Monkeys play "tease the tourists"
Tourists feed them for their tricks

Thai boatman watches both.
I see all and smile

//
I want, I want, I WANT!!!
shhhhhhh.

//
Too hot to hurry
Even small grasshopper walks
No flying today

//
5 H'mong girls and a western tourist
Tangle of arms and legs and toros.
Heads point in all directions.
Web of humanity,
woven on a too small queen-size loom,
insulated by a too thin blanket,
a chill wafts through the air,
biting exposed fingers, noses, shoulders, toes.
I am greatful for a middle spot.
One edge rolls away with the blanket
and sleepy tug-o-war begins.
Crick in my back and I shift,
rolling over requires plowing through body parts
like an artic ice breaker.
Uncharacteristic for my generally contracted sense of self.
but it works.
bodies shift, space is made, voids are filled, heat retained.

I am part of the weft of life here and I am in love.
Ker has captured my heart--
clever, beautiful, dilligent girl.
My new little sister.
The radiance of the sun has nothing on the radiance from her heart,
illuminating and reflected in my own.

//
Bloated Catfish on the Mekong river.
Salvaged!
Culinary boone, or waterborne vector?
perspective?

//
Red sentinels, 150' high
strength in my darkness
beauty for my appreciation
I am not remiss in my duty.
Seed carried by high water
growth in a line
planted by nature,
nurtured by this River.
Here and now, we are one.

//
In the wake of your flame, I am burnt.
Structure and order things of my past.
Am I better off?
perhaps.

//
I contemplate the razor.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
I want my outside to show what I feel inside.
Maybe then someone will help me
will see me as I see me
will understand.

//
There is a deeply wounded little girl in me.
Sexualized, cast aside
She grew up under her father's alcoholism,
in the shadow of a popular big brother,
distanced by her mother's co-dependency and 80 hour work weeks.

Gangly limbs, crooked teeth, shaggy hair...
where does this bright, tallented little girl fit
in this cold hard world she does not want to see?

She stands within me, dripping with pig's blood
from a cruel trick at the senior prom,
begging for attention I do not know how to give her.
She reaches out through me to amelieorate wounds in others,
seeking salve for own
gaping
holes.

//
Crossing the boarder into Cambodia,
Big Yellow Capitol Tour boat like a surfaced submarine
Air quality about the same.
We chug steadily upriver.
Up this big, wide, ocean of a river,
So different from the Mekong in Laos,
yet the same.

Boat driver's clear bottle steadily drains.
Rice wine?
probably.

Riverbanks support gardens and cattle and bamboo thach huts.
Smiling children play in the water, waving wildly
screaming "Hello!!" to us tourists,
safe in our boat on this river.

Are they as desparate to be seen as my inner child?
I wave back just in case.
and because I want to.

//
I am consumed. By mosquitos, sticky heat, and self-doubt.
My inner critic is on a rampage and I don't remember how to stop her.
I want to be present for my experience here in Cambodia--to make the most of it.
But I feel in this country that is so poor, I don't know what that means.
I try to move forward without expectation. I want to meet up with Tani from Sapa, or Sam or Hailey from the slow boat in Laos. I want someone to lead me by the hand through this country so I don't have to face my fears alone.

//
What treachery lurks in the human heart?
Genocide, Homicide, Suicide.
All forms of violence;
symptoms of deeper illness.
Wounds festering, untreated
infected, inflamed.
That fire burns weakness wherever it can,
seeking inner strength from external destruction.

What succor does this violence bring?
none.
It only breeds more anger and hatred and suffering within and without.

But it is the way we know.
We repeat ourselves in absence of learning.
In defiance of our teachers.
Insanity.

Do we expect different results this time,
or do we just continue
because continuing is all we know how to do?

//
There is a deeply wounded little girl in me,
wandering my inner darkness,
she is lost and alone and afraid.

How can I teach her, 23 years too late,
to stop this bleeding?

Can direct pressure and elevation help a puncture wound in the heart?
or perhaps
she can use the fire of her inner light
to cauterize the flesh?
Burn away impurities and leave radiance in their place?

Drink the sweet, salty tears
on her cheeks and those cried by her friends and family
in her many hours of need.

Will any of this purify her?
Does she need to be purified?
Or just seen and heard and held.
It seems I only notice her when she stumbles
or bumps into a wall at the edge of this being I have constructed,
a container for the darkness of my youth.
My outside is big and strong and capable.
The perceptive see through cracks in my shell.
Do I need this shell anymore?

//
My sexuality is a caged lioness
pacing the same track in her circus cage.
Onlookers gawk,
impressed and a bit frightened by her capacity
for strength and cunning.
But this lioness is Hungry.
Desparate.
Sad.
Alone.

My wounded child sits on the red-brown earth opposite her cage
in a pool of her own blood
screaming for attention from the passers by.

She wants desparately to be seen
and heard
and cleansed
and held.

She is terrified by the possibility of human contact
but she does not want to be wounded anymore.

How can this lioness and this little girl co-exist in one heart?
one body?
Share the same soul?
Be governed by one mind?
If consciousness opens the cage, will one consume the other?

How can I heal this trapped lioness?
Rehabilitate her.
Nourish her, no longer under- or over- fed.
Ragged coat restored to its original lustor,
Body trimmed and toned,
Muscles strong and limber.
Tawny, wild, and free once again.

//
White phantom in the corner,
all seeing, unseen.
I flash in
and out
of existance
to exchange a shy smile,
Ask for tea,
Receive my meal.
Khmers of all ages and sizes
mill around me and pass by on the street.
I have nothing more to say here.

//
The illusion begins to shift
blown by the flap of a butterfly's wings
in this blessed ancient jungle.

Mmmmm, Tropical Beaches (Sihanoukville, Cambodia)

2006-03-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

So I just spent about 5 days on the white-sand tropical beaches of Sihanoukville in southern Cambodia. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ooooooooooh! so nice. Free accomodation (if you agree to eat from their over-priced menu) and fun Cambodian entrepeneurs--10-14 year-old boys and girls walk up and down the sand, weaving among the tourists and locals alike, peddling bracelets, post cards, fruit, seashells, and paintings they've made. I have no intention of buying anything, but my last day, I spend $2 on 4 shrimp-shaped keychains made of embroidery floss (facinating! they say it takes 2 hours to make one) and 50 cents on fruit salad. Send these kids to business school, eradicate corruption from the government, and Cambodia will be on top of the world in 10-15 years. By the way, it only costs $330 to send a child to school for a year in Sihanoukville. I hear it is more like $70 for a year in Phnom Penh...

I had a phenomenal time here--even came up with the idea of going back to grad school through a master's international program incorporating a a term in the peace corps to study public health. inspiring.

oh, and if you ever doubt the existance of God (higher power, unity in consciousness), get thee to a tropical beach and watch the sunset. If your faith cannot be restored there, many blessings on your journey--I suspet it will be a long and arduous one.

Cheung Elk Killing Fields and Cambodia's Year Zero

2006-03-17T22:33:00.000-08:00

Some seriously horrific shit went down in this country from 1975-79. Rebels from the countryside (many in their early teens) organized in the Khmer Rouge, brought down the government, took over the country, and committed genocide against the educated and elite. The idea (as best as I can deduce, for sound logic seems absent here) was to end suffering by wiping out individuality and social structure. People were marched out of Phnom Penh and into the fields, forced into labor camps. They were subsisting on a handful of rice per day, but not allowed to grow food, for Ankar (another name for Khmer Rouge) would provide for them. Family ties were obliterated, schools and hospitals destroyed, money disappeared from the system. "Criminals" resisting the regime were sent to prisions, the major one in Phnom Penh being S-21 Tuol Sleng, a converted high school where 17,000 people were interrogated and tortured for false confessions then sent to the outlying killing fields to be bludgeoned to death for lack of ammunition--only 7 survived imprisionment. There is a stuppa 17 stories high at Cheung Elk displaying the skulls of 8,900 people killed here. The bottom levels are organized by age, gender, and method of death--bullet wound, blunt trauma from an ax, blunt trauma from a hammer, electric schock, decapitation. My guide was 12 years old hiding in the rice fields during the regime. Both his parents were killed. He was working at Cheung Elk in 1980 when the mass graves were exhumed. He said the smell was terrible. Rain water pools in the cavities where graves were exhumed and a hint of its former stench remains. Shreads of tattered clothing and bone fragments remain on the pathways. There are still 42 graves in the outlying rice fields. I am not sure why they were not exhumed--perhaps because they are under cultivation now? Whoa. I felt nauseated more than I did at Auchwitz, perhaps because this place has had less time to heal?

It was heartening to see the grasses and milkweed growing over the grave sites, though. Butterflies and dragonflies flitted from place to place. There is healing here, too.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia

2006-03-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

Upon arrival after dark at the Capitol Tours family of guest houses (this company operates bus-travel, city and local area tours, and has grown into 5 local guesthouses offering different levels of accomodation from my usual crappy bad-sized room with a fan to full service hotel rooms with TV and AC), I check into a $2 room at the Happy guesthouse. It seems alright here, but I do not trust the streets after dark (acording to LP, it is still not safe to walk alone) so I rest and stay in my room and go to bed early.

Up at 3AM (which happens sometimes when you go to bed at 8), the streets are SILENT. I feel like I am the only one awake at this hour; I feel a sense of magic in this. Until 3 drunken Irishmen roll up in a tuk-tuk and reality comes home to me. That's ok. I appreciate the moment and go back to bed.

Up again at 7, out of the room by 8, I decide to rent a bicycle and tour the city. I found a small local street cafe and order something vegetarian after three tries at clarification from their one english speaking employee (this is a common trend in my travels outside Thailand).

I like the energy in this city. Cambodians will try to scam you a bit like the Vietnamese, but they are quick to laugh about it when you call them out, very much unlike the Vietnamese.

Cambodia, poorest of the poor

2006-03-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

I booked a Mekong Delta tour including a boat ride to Phnom Penh as my exit from Vietnam. I do not like booked tours. Like the Cu Chi tunnels tour (which felt very much like Disneyland--400 people every day come to see the guerilla tunnels and primitive weapons the Vietnamese employed in their wars, first against the French colonialists and then against the Americans), I was just whisked from one sight to the next, fighting other tourists for photo opportunities, sitting in plastic chairs at tourist cafes to partake of whatever gimick this stop has to offer (weaving, coconut candy making, honey wine or honey tea, traditional music and fresh tropical fruit, floating fish farm). Everywhere the same coconut carved nicknacks--tiny tea sets, salad tongs, forks and spoons, beautiful chopsticks, funny monkeys--and woven silk. I look and admire, but do not buy. A few locals that obviously were not benefiting from the tourism begged from us. Made me sad.

The boat ride from Vietnam to Cambodia was much less crowded than the slow boat to Laos and while many of us chatted, I missed the culture-building experience from before. I spent much of the ride with my head buried in a companion's Cambodia Lonely Planet. When I did finally look up (because the driver asked us to move forward to re-distribute weight as our boat was running aground in the narrow side channel we were chugging up to traverse the Mekong delta), I noticed we were boating through a rural area, much like the fishing villages along the Mekong in Laos. Children bathing and playing in the river laughed and waved and shouted "Hello!", women washed clothes in basins on the shore, men carted rock and sand from boat to shore or mended fishing nets. I was very happy to see this openess and friendliness again after the hustle and bustle of HCMC (Saigon) and the tour of the Delta.

Somehow, subsistence farmers in rural areas seem better off than poor families in urban/sub-urban slums. Farming and fishing families are close to their land. They still sit together for meals and the television does not operate 24-7 because they no not have enough electricity. They make things and share stories. This looks like culture to me. Children in the cities seem slower to laugh and smile. Jaded. It doesn't feel healthy to me.

Arriving in Cambodia and docking to change to a bus for the last hour of the journey, poverty like I have never seen stretched along both sides of the horrible road. My bus mate laughed--poverty? Try India...Some day I will, but for now, this streetside ghetto takes the cake. Corrugated metal shacks, trash everywhere, dirty holey clothes...wow.

I thought pothole dodging was among the national sports in northern Vietnam...seems they train for the olympics here! Potholes are 6-15 feet wide and long, up to a foot deep...many stretches of street are not even paved. I wonder what Phnom Penh has in store.

Buses and motorbikes don't mix (graphic)

2006-03-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

On my night bus from Da Lat to Ho Chi Minh City, I saw a man lose his life.

It was about 11PM and I was amicably chatting with the Coloradoian across the isle. I looked up to see a lone headlight to the right side of the bus swerving left, but not soon enough. Our bus driver honked and slammed on the breaks. Screech, crunch. I looked out the window and saw a Vietnamese man laid out on the pavement. It was a horrific scene. My chat buddy's friend is also a WFR, and we talk about what we might be able to do to help. We get out of the bus and join the throng of people standing at a safe distance and staring in disbelief. We ask by miming if anyone has checked for a pulse. They have and there isn't one. The other WWOOFer checks too, but he told me when he reached for the wrist on one arm, both his bones were protruding from the skin. One leg was twisted at an odd angle, betraying a probable femur fracture. The motorbike was imbedded about 2 feet into the left front corner of the bus. I wonder if he had been wearing a helmet if he would have had a chance?

Easyrider #1, motorbike tour of Vietnam's south central highlands

2006-03-10T05:55:00.000-08:00

"Eddie Murphy" rolled up next to me checking out the menu at the "Same Same, but Different Cafe" in Nha Trang and offered me a charming smile and a motorbike tour of Vietnam's Central Highlands. His pictures were incredible--scenery, smiling tourists, goofy shots of Eddie himself. His journal of past satisfied customers was convincing. I balked at the $40/day price and asked if there was any chance of a discount...he said no. He's always honest and never cheaper. Wow, an honest businessman in Vietnam. This is a rarity. His timing is a bit off as I need to return my rented bicycle before the shop closes (in 5 minutes) and I agree to meet him for tea at a cafe.

The bike shop is farther from where I met Eddie than I realize and I consider blowing him off. My current plan to stay an extra day in my $2 dormatory in Nha Trang, visit the hotsprings (because "soaking in hot mineral water is very interesting" according to their advertisements), and swim in the ocean. I have already had some amazing minorty people's experiences in Sapa. I have seen the rural/agrarian life-style of the small villages in central Vietnam near the DMZ. I wonder if this condensed 2-day tour of the Central Highlands is worth $80 at this point in my journey.

I decide to try to find him because I said I would and I wanted to walk back to that restaurant anyway. Eddie finds me and we go to a nice outdoor garden cafe for tea and coffee. We chat and get along famously. He is very funny and I trust him. Another few times through the photo album and journal and I decide to go for it. Accomodation and entry fees are included. He drives me to an ATM and I pull out almost a third of the last of my funds alloted to this trip. We agree to meet at my hotel at 7:30AM the next morning.

I am packed and ready early (shock of shocks). Nausea churns my stomach a bit and I wonder again if this trip is the best use of my resources...Eddie arrives and I swallow my hesitation and follow through with my commitment. He takes me to a nice restaurant for breakfast overlooking the ocean (I think it's the same place I boycotted last night because they had sea turtle on the menu, but I'm not sure so I don't raise a fuss). At the edge of town, he takes me to see men weaving bamboo boats on the beach near a very poor fishing village (we're talking urine stench in the alley corners, plastic bags and other rubbish everywhere, children with holes in their clothes, homes made of wood scraps and rusting corrigated steel), then a baguette factory where I learn the bread in Vietnam is made from yam flour, not wheat. Wow, I am very impressed and excited by this (new wheat-free bread technique!).

We also see a brick making village, where a few cigarettes buys us smiles and welcome (this process is repeated at every stop), a knife/tool forge with scrap metal of all sorts littering the ground waiting to be returned to usefulness, a yam farm (I get to dig up some yams, ruining several in the process), some hot springs where I swim in the warm pond (by the time we arrive around noon, the spring-fed pools are too hot--between 70 and 80 degrees? If we had an egg, we could cook it in about 15 minutes. Eggshells litter the ground as evidence), a former battle field where America used napalm, agent orange, and many many bombs--30 years later and the hillsides still will not support trees or crops, the minority people have moved away and cannot return, and the water is still bad. We also visited a mass grave where 115 Vietnamese were secretly buried over the course of 3 months in 1975--the bodies had to be stolen from the above battle field and carried under cover of darkness to the hidden grave site. Wow.

Shortly after this, we drove a section of Highway 14, the Ho Chi Minh trail used by North Vienamese troops to inflitrate the south during the war. The part we traveled was all developed, though, so it felt no different from any other Vietnamese thoroughfare--crowded, noisy, lined with shops and fruit stands and motorbike repair places. Then on to see a French colonial-era bridge, a coffe plantation (where Eddie climbed a tree and braved a black ant attack to snap me an improvised aerial photo), two beautiful waterfalls, and to bed at a resort near a third small waterfall. We have a huge vegetarian dinner of spring rolls, fried tofu, sauteed veggies, french fries (I did not realize that's what he meant by "fried potatos"--fun with cross-cultural communication), an omelette, and rice. It was way more food than I wanted, but I did not want to be rude, so I ate myself sick. Eddie taught me some great card tricks and we sang songs and enjoyed the sound of the waterfall below the thatch-roofed gazebo where we ate dinner. We slept in separate beds (to Eddie's shagrin (joking, I hope?)) with 8 other tourists in a copy of a minority long-house.

Up at 7 again the next day, he repairs the clutch lever which had broken off the night before (because what would a motorbike trip in Vietnam be without some sort of mechanical failure?) and I wander off to explore. I sit and meditate by the waterfall, do a little journaling and generally revel in the solitude I find in this place (rare for me on this trip). I return to the resort to find Eddie worried over a cup of coffee. He's been waiting for me for an hour. oops. I drink a little tea, pack my stuff, snap a few photos and we're back on the road.

Today's scenery includes a black pepper farm, silk-worm growing, general scenery photo opportunities--lush rice paddies, decrepit churches, the jungle highway, a minority village where he explains the complex courtship ritual of their matriarcial society (perhaps I'll expand later--there's wood harvesting and uncles get involved...it's a long story). The women do the work while the men stay in the long house and watch the children (mostly, I saw the men napping in hammocks and the children playing by themselves). We stopped at Chicken Village where I bought some souveneirs and arrived in Da Lat after dark.

It was quite an action packed two days. Walking Da Lat's streets, Eddie and I share a few last laughs and some sticky rice before he heads home the next morning.

Bicycling the sights in Nha Trang, Vietnam

2006-03-09T07:24:00.001-08:00

I have found a way to escape the incessant "motor-bike, madam? Hello? Cyclo?"--rent a bicycle! Walking seems to be against some unpublicized Vietnamese law, but on a rented bicycle, I am free!

I looked at the post cards almost every Vietnamese person is selling on the streets here in Nha Trang and asked one of them to show me where each place is on my map. One motorbike driver wanted me to pay him $10 to take me around--"oh, very far, madam." No it's not...10-15km round-trip, tops! "But the streets are complicated--you could get lost." I have a map and I know how to read it and ask directions. One way streets are mere suggestions in this country, anyway. No thanks. I'll pay 50 cents for a bicycle.

(Caution for traveling in Vietnam: people will tell you pretty much anything to get you to buy from them, go to their hotel, or take their motorbike/cyclo tour...be prepared for blatant lies, especially from the open-tour hotel providers. I am increasingly convinced the open tour is a shit-way to see Vietnam and will go my own way next time, if I come back (I have only used half my bus-ticket anyway, and tomorrow I will go my own way again--motorbike tour through the central highlands to Da Lat). If you approach them with a sense of humor, it helps. I met a teen-age boy selling postcards on the beach today. He said it was "Post card happy hour." I ask him what this means..."Only 30,000 Dong for a set of 10!" lol! That's triple the fair market price. 5,000 is the most I want to pay, so we do not strike a deal, but I liked the sales pitch and the fact that they took a polite and funny approach instead of an aggressive in-your-face approach. I digress...)

My first sight-seeing stop was a Catholic cathedral near a traffic circle. The architecture was pretty simple: very new-looking white plaster over a modern frame. Not even worth a space on my digital camera. Turns out this structure was unimpressive because it was another church near another traffic circle...The actual cathedral was a very beautiful aged grey stone structure in gothic style with gorgeous stained glass up on a hill (took some trial and error and direction from some locals napping in their cyclos to get up there). I sang a few bars of latin from my high school choir days and discovered there were decent accoustics (nothing compared to downstairs in the Catholic cathedral on my motor-bike tour of Hue), but the most impressive thing to me were the stenciled "window" decorations. They were open so the church could always breathe and swallows could freely fly in and out. Birdsong was nice background music to my reflections and prayers there.

Next was the pagoda of the white buddha. I arrived and parked my bicycle and a man with a leather briefcase under his arm approached me. He asked me where I'm from and told me many Vietnamese people live in California (which I have heard more times than I can count at this point). He walks with me into the pagoda grounds and explains that he is an orphan and was raised in the monastary. His english is very good and he says he is studying English at the university. I ask how his parents were killed and he says a big accident. He asks me what I think of his country and I am honest: There are many beautiful sights and I have met some very kind people, but there is an undercurrent of desperation and I do not appreciate the confrontational way many people approach selling.

He takes me past the main pagoda (which is like a temple: in Vietnamese buddhism, apparently temples are where your spirit goes to live when you die (every family that can afford it has a family temple near their house) and pagodas are houses only for the buddha) where rows of women in grey robes meditate. Upstairs, there is a reclining buddha built only 3 years ago, complete with the buddhist swastika emblazoned on his chest. My uninvited but welcome guide explains it is the mirror image of the Nazi symbol and stands for long-life in buddhism. We walk back towards the rest of the stairs up to the white buddha at the top of the hill and he opens his portfolio. His tone becomes a bit more somber and he asks me to buy a silk painting to help support him in school because school is very expensive you understand and he needs to sell paintings to pay for school so you buy from me and help me today, lucky for you, good for me you understand. He repeats himself so many times while I am flipping through the paintings I begin to wonder if he really understands what he is saying. He asks 30,000 Dong, but I don't really want one. I find one I like ok, but decide to think about it and tell him so. He asks one more time that I buy from him now to help him with school you understand, but I say not now...maybe on the way back down.

I leave his mutterings behind and climb the rest of the 152 stairs to the white buddha, passing a brown-robed monk periodically ringing a 6' tall bell. A couple climbs up and prostrates before the monk, climbs in underneath the bell and takes a seat. He rings the bell with them inside it and sings a song. I watch, curious and enchanted by this apparently deafening form of blessing someone and their union (my assumption).

At the top of the stairs, I am met with women offering something to drink? Water? Pepsi? Coconut? No thanks, I brought my own. Across the hill top slumps a row of corrigated steel shacks, rusted and tarped in various places. Several children from 2-16 run around the huge buddha statue, selling incense, begging, bicycling, and playing chinese jumprope. It is a sad juxtaposition: towering, gleaming image of the enlightened buddha seated on a 14m lotus flower pedestal, looking out placidly over the suffering families at his feet. The children's clothes are clean, but riddled with holes. Even the plastic of their sandals is worn through at the balls of the feet. I guess Nha Trang's poor need a place to stay, and I am glad the pagoda is providing for them.

Returning down the steps, an old woman offers me her empty hat, hoping for something to help fill her empty belly, but I have nothing I'm willing to give right now. I descend the stairs and return to the pagoda. I watch the women listen to the wisdom of their saffron-robed teacher. Will I ever sit in his shoes?

The silk-selling buddhist orphan English student is gone. His urgency to sell me a painting earlier and his subsequent disappearance leads me to suspect he was a fake, but I have no proof. I wish him good luck from afar either way.

I return to my bike, pay 1000 Dong, and ride on through some of the poorer outlying areas of Nha Trang. Very different feel from the upscale tourist areas near the beach. I sense this area does not see a lot of foreigners, but they know tourists as I am viewed mostly with casual dis-interest rather than the usual surprise and giggles that greet me where locals rarely see foreigners.

The next stop on my tour is the Tham Quan ruins, a set of 4 Hindu temples similar to those at My Son, built in 817 with bricks and no mortar. Experts today still do not know how the feat was accomplished. The view over Nha Trang, the ocean, the island across the bay, and the fishing boats on the river was stunning.

I finished my tour of the city by biking 2.5 km to the hot springs which I decided not to soak in (no bathing suit with me and a high cost of 50,000 Dong) today, returning along the beach to check in with my An Phu bus ticket office for the times to Da Lat to decide whether to leave tomorrow and try to get to Phu Quoc Island before my visa runs out, or hang out an extra day in Nha Trang, swim in the ocean, soak in the hot springs, and enjoy the last $2 dormitory room I will probably be able to find in Vietnam.

Turns out, Eddie Murphy has other plans for me (that's the name of my motor-bike guide). I decide to use almost a third of my remaining funds to hire him as a guide to the central highlands of Vietnam on the way to Da Lat. It is a tremendous splurge for me at this point in my journey, but I trust that since it feels right it is right. My time in the country on this journey has meant so much more to me and generated so many more stories than my time in the cities, I feel it will be best to go for it. The universe will take care of me.

Cyclo rip-off in Hue, Vietnam

2006-03-06T06:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I found a $3 single room with private bath, had a crappy vegetarian dinner at the guesthouse across the street (I think you have to be Vietnamese to find good food in this country...the food the girls ordered for me in Sapa was amazing! nothing else has compared), talked to 3 tourist folks that have been bicycling for the past year--started in Europe, went through Iran, Pakistan...all the way here to Vietnam where they will be ending their trip in about two weeks--wow, and went to find the travel agency to book the next leg of my open bus ticket for day after tomorrow. While walking around, I saw some gorgeous art galleries--oil paintings, brass sculpture, and silk embroidery. Many Vietnamese people here seem rather disgruntled, and the energy from the Cyclo drivers is mostly not good. I meet a laughing Vietnamese guy playing the local version of hackey sac with a German-born UC Santa Cruz grad (!) who has been living and teaching english in Japan for the last 6 years. I join them and kick around the overgrown badminton birdie-thing. It has a sort of plastic spring on the bottom about 1.5" across and 2" tall. From this base, 3 feathers about 6" long are attached. It is much easier than hacking and we chat and play for about 15 minutes. Feels good to move my body.

I find the bus ticket place, but left my ticket in the guesthouse. duh. I can make the reservation tomorrow, though, so no worries. Walking on, I pass two cyclo drivers who try to convince me that a ride around the city for an hour is a good idea. For 30,000 Dong ($2) I disagree and walk away. FYI, Cyclos are tricycles with one wheel and a very tall bicycle seat for the driver in back and a cushioned seat in front with two wheels where the tourist (or bags of sugar/rice/coal/coconuts) sits. The driver steers by turning this part of the bike. I engaged these guys, so they continue to offer me a service I do not want. One follows me across and down the street, price dropping all the way. I continue talking to him casually, not really interested, but not totally opposed--a cyclo ride is another item on the "haven't tried that yet" list. I agree to a ride for an hour to see some sights (in the dark...) for 10,000 Dong. He takes me around in a circle of the same streets I just finished walking, tries to offer me a cheap place to eat since I was looking at restaurants, but takes me to a really pricey place...then bikes towards Hue's market that I want to see, but is closed and turns away from the citadel he said he'd show me but is also closed. We arrive back at the pick-up point about 5-20 minutes early (I did not pay attention to when we left) and he asks for 15,000 Dong. what? I ask to drive the cyclo with him in it. We go partway down the block and take a few pix. That's fun--they are pretty easy to pedal as long as the ground is smooth and flat (I got stuck on the lip of a driveway, though). I hand him 12,000 Dong and we part ways. I ran into my friend Ori from Dong Hoi and the beautiful Phong Nha cave tour. He says his Cyclo ride was only 5,000 Dong! And the day after our cave tour, he hired a motorbike to take him back to take some pictures and paid 60,000 Dong instead of the 150,000 we paid for the tour. Granted, his driver didn't have to wait 5 hours while we toured the caves like our first drivers did, but still, I felt pretty hosed. I'm getting used to this feeling, though. It is the Vietnamese way.

International Hitchhiker! Tung Luat to Hue, Vietnam

2006-03-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

After spending two amazing days in a village just north of the De-Militarized-Zone (DMZ) in central Vietnam, I left Tung Luat to head south and try to make the most of the last 10 days on my visa. It's a 10km motor-bike ride to the main road from Tung Luat, then a 1km walk to Hien Luong where I planned to catch a bus south to Hue. Local buses run about once an hour all day, so I was not too worried about finding a ride. I had it in my head that if a truck would pick me up and it didn't feel sketch, I would try that (never hitchhiked before, and this trip is all about fulfilling those "always wanted to try that" sorts of things).

About a half-km down the road, I turned and caught a truck driver's eye and waved...he pulled over! I ran up to the cab and he met me at the door. "Toi muon toi Hue" (I want to go to Hue). He nods with a smile. I ask, "Bao nhieu?" He shakes his head, no charge. Sweet. I detect no creepy vibes, toss my bag up and haul myself about 5' into the air on a rusty 2 runged ladder into the cab. Another driver sleeps in a hammock strung just behind the driver and passenger seats; I'm a bit of a surprise to him when he sleepily peeks at why the truck stopped.

The driver speaks and understands a few more english phrases than I speak in Vietnamese, but neither has significant command of the other's language. We swap the usual information: name, where from, age, marital status. I am extatic at the new experience, the free ride (saved me $2, man!), and the amazing scenery (lush rice paddies, ornate grave sites and temples, bicyclists in conical straw hats) so my face is a contageous grin from ear to ear. I snap some photos of the driver and show him. Smiles. He offers me some kumquats ("China," he says) and I hungrily accept. Tastey. 20-30 minutes down the road, we stop and the drivers get out to pee and buy cancer sticks to support their chain-smoking. When they get back in, the driver says something to me in Vietnamese and I think I understand him, but choose to play dumb. A shrug of the shoulders and stupid grin from me ellicits "I love you" from him. No no, I gesture and laugh. Only friends. I don't want a Vietnamese boyfriend. Well aware that I love you refers to the act more than the emotion, I check in with myself to make sure there are still no sketchy vibes, but all seems ok. A couple hours later, we approach Hue and I show my driver where my guesthouse is on their business card. He guestures to invite himself to come in with me...I laugh it off. Not happening. He drops me off at a local bus station (Hue center is off his route and big trucks don't drive on the town roads anyway), we shake hands and he leaves me to the care of the motor-bike and cyclo drivers.

I deduce it is about 8-10km to town and decide to hoof it. One moto-driver tries to follow me, but I do not want the ride. Another driver tries, no thanks. Walking along, I smile at the locals, surprised to see me (this is not the beaten tourist track...), 95% smile back. About 1km down the road I am getting hot and decide if another driver tries to pick me up, I'll go with him for 10,000 Dong (about 60 cents US). Sure 'nuff, another driver pulls up, moto madam? how far to town? 10km. What? They said 8km 1.5km ago...bao nhieu? 30,000...phew, no. I walk on. wait, wait, 12km, too far. 20,000? what? It was 10km a moment ago...no. Will you take me for 10,000? shake of the head, impossible! 15,000? muoi nghin or I walk. impossible. I walk. about 25' farther down the road than when negotiations began, I hop on his motorbike for a 10,000 Dong ride to my guesthouse. :) Welcome to Hue.

Vinh Moc Tunnels, Vietnam's DMZ

2006-03-05T02:58:00.000-08:00

2 of Hong's cousins and a neighbor took me by motorbike to see the Vinh Moc tunnel system about 8km north of her village, Tung Luat. Broken concrete levee tops; rutted, pot-holed, slippery clay dirt tracks; gravel strewn corners; and some stretches of good pavement made up our path to the caves. I was a bit nervous, as I did not know my driver and had never been 80 kmph (50mph) on a motorbike (100cc scooter) with no helmet before.

I paid $3.50 for 3 locals and one tourist (my ticket was double their price) and we met with another group of americans on a charity cycle-tour from Hanoi to Doi An to tour the caves. The tunnel museaum exhibited photos of life in the tunnels; a map of the complete tunnel system (1300km at its peak); the rusty, broken, simple farm tools they used to dig the tunnels out; and an anti-aircraft gun. 17 babies were born in this tunnel and lived there for 10 years. 13 are still alive today. I ask our guide if anyone has talked to the people that dug these tunnels and lived in this underground vilage to share their stories? Many are still alive, and I don't think they have talked about their experience. I wonder what it would take to find an interpreter, and if a history-ignorant American is the best person to go about documenting this dormant piece of world history. Many Vietnamese people want to move on and forget the war, but many of the older generation, espeically those whose relatives and children are violently disabled or dead, are still consumed by anger. These people's stories must be amazing.

We followed our english-speaking guide down into the maze, ducking added wooden support beams the first 100' or so. We walk only 500 m of the tunnel system; much of the rest has collapsed from bombs and rains in the last 30 years. Many of us westerners hunch down, as the tunnels are only 1.8 m tall. The soil had to be carried out and dumped in the river or the ocean so the Americans wouldn't see where they were being dug, so the dimentions were exact--no extraneous space. My shoulders brush the clay walls on either side walking through the dim labyrinth. The tiny living spaces each family called home were smaller than a twin bed: around 3' wide by 6' deep by 4' tall. They had weapons storage rooms, a toilet system (a 4' diameter woven basket that was emptied into the ocean every night), a kitchen we didn't see, a maternity room, a meeting room 7' wide by 6.5' tall by 30-40' long (70 person capacity), a bomb shelter we didn't see, guard cubbyholes near the entrances to make sure enemies weren't getting in, and two wells. The entrances and exits served as air holes and allowed some light to enter. The ingenuity and intelligence of the design and layout were amazing.

There was one place where the tour turned left and down stairs and the tunnel also continued straight on. I used this opportunity to pull out my flashlight and sneak a peak off the beaten track. The energy in the tunnel sections on tour felt cleansed and healed to me. Nothing like the energy at Auchwitz...though I guess Vin Moc was a stronghold and a refuge rather than a torture camp. But the energy in the tunnel section I snuck a peek at was pretty dark and empty and tortured--residual feelings from 200+ people living in darkness for 10 years. I wonder how long it would take you to get found if you got lost down there?

At the end of the tour, I asked if it would be possible to see the kitchen, but our guide said it was far away and would be difficult to find from the surface (brush was used to cover the chimney and filter the smoke). I did not press the issue. I did try to peek down another entrance that was not on the tour. Climbing down the concrete steps to the opening, I looked in and noticed a large number of flies. And they seemed to be increasing in number...A closer look revealed striped black and yellow bodies and the insistant buzzing told me those were not flies at all. I have been stung only twice in my life, but that was more than enough and the swarm of bees sent me back to the surface in a hurry.

On the road home, I asked my driver to stop at the beach and baptized myself in the waters of the China Sea. So this is Vietnam...wow.

Do you believe in magic? (intro to my Sapa experience)

2006-03-01T03:07:00.000-08:00

I have only 10 more minutes before boarding my night train from Lao Cai back to Hanoi, but for those following this blog, I have a ton to tell you...Sapa, in Northern Vietnam, was amazing on a million different levels. The streets are crowded with H'mong and Tzao tribespeople selling crafts--postcards, blankets, jewelery, clothes, decorations (marijuana, depending on the time of day)...many are teen-agers 12-16 that become fast friends to the tourists that are open to it. I fell in love with Ker, a 14 year-old beauty and shrewd business woman. She took me trekking to a local village, invited me to her home for lunch and to meet her family, and we went on an epic 200km motor-bike journey to Ba Ca with my friend Matt and her friend Lan where we stayed at a village that had never seen white people before. This of course will get its own blog write-up when I have more time.

The purity of these girl's hearts blew me away. Laughter comes so easily, but so do tears. These girls are real and amazing. I am greatful to have seen it. So much to share...keep your eyes peeled for magic in your own lives. I continue to be open to magic in mine. :)

Scam ya with a smile (motorbike repairs returning from Ba Ca near Sapa)

2006-02-27T05:28:00.000-08:00

On the way home from the Ba Ca market 100km from Sapa in Northern Vietnam, my rented motorbike's headlight cut out in the pitch darkness just after a hair-pin turn in the fog. Scare-ey! I breaked, rolled to the side of the road, and laid on the horn to wait for my buddy Matt to return and see what we could do about it. I discerned the problem was probably in the switch, as the low beams had cut out during the day, but the high beams had still worked. This same basic thing happened to my truck in Loa, Utah, and it was the switch failing. Matt got out his handy leatherman and disassembled the switch, filing down the connections and losing and finding and losing and finding a few tiny pieces in the process.

After realizing neither of us knows anything about switches and it was rather silly for us to have taken it apart, Matt put it back together and a local guy stopped, took a cursory look at the bike, and escorted us to the nearest shop. He lead and Matt followed with both girls on his bike, me sandwiched between their two functioning headlights.

About 7:30PM on a Sunday, we arrived at a little wooden shack with a drink and snack display, several motorbikes parked out front and a plastic-wrapped bike tire hung in the tree out front (this is apparently a universal SE Asian sign for "motorbike shop"). Three mechanics materialized out of thin air and set to disassembling the headlight case and exposing the bike's electrical guts. They determined the switch had failed and began the rewiring/sodering process necessary to bypass it so I could get home to Sapa (roughly another 20+ km up the road). Figuring these guys knew what they were doing and had it all handled, Matt, the 2 H'mong girls we had with us (Lan and Ker), and myself went inside for noodle soup and tea. While we were eating, the bike's alarm started going off. Odd, Why don't they use the clicker to turn it off? We went over to show them the off button to discover the remote was missing from the keychain. I immediately had a feeling of foul play, but could not remember for sure whether the remote was on the keys when I went inside or not.

Matt and Lan retraced our path and searched for the remote while Ker and I watched the guys disassemble some other parts of the bike, snip some wires, and bypass the alarm system. The remote was no where to be found. I did not insist on checking pockets because I did not know how to ask and did not feel it would be appropriate. Matt could not see why they would steal the remote since it would not work on another bike. Unfortunately, upon returning to the place where I rented the bike, we discovered there is a chip in the alarm linked to the remote our "savior-Sunday-night-mechanics" had stolen while we were inside enjoying simple bowls of 20 cent noodle soup.

The result of the ordeal was that we paid the mechanics 20,000 Dong ($1.50) to get me home, and the next day the bike's owner had to pay 93,000 Dong ($6.25) to replace the electrical system and I paid him 450,000 Dong ($28.50) for the alarm system chip they stole while I was not looking. It was not until after this was resolved that I remembered I had not set the alarm when I parked the bike, so the only reason it would have to go off would be if they had stolen the chip. I went to the tourist police half-heartedly, more for the adventure than actually expecting any results. This is a good thing, because what I found at the tourist police was 3 Vietnamese-speaking people that called an english-speaking person for me to talk to on the phone who did not really understand what I was trying to say, then told me he could not help me.

I am still not certain what the lesson here is (be more attentive around mechanics in this country? don't rent a motor-bike from a friend of a friend in a country where favors make business/relationships complicated? listen when you have an intuition that someone does not really want to rent you something in the first place?), but I am greatful for the process it sent me through. I learned something about seeing possibilities in the shades of grey between the black-and-white extremes I usually see as solutions at the outset of a traumatic event. I also made some connections in myself and my patterns of emotional self-victimization with concrete things I can do in this world to reclaim my power (thanks to Matt for the time and tea and energy holding space for this process). There truely is Zen in Motorcycle Maintenance...

Cat Cat Village in Sapa, Vietnam

2006-02-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

Ker and Lan, my 14 year-old H'mong guides, took me trekking to Cat Cat Village near Sapa. A 2 km walk just south of Sapa town took us to a ticket booth where I paid 5000 Dong to enter (the government paperwork required to visit the hill-tribe villages without ticket booths has to be obtained through an over-charging hotel). They showed me the indigo plant (looks a lot like basil to me) and explained the process: cut the whole plant and boil it for 2-3 days, allow the pigment to settle, then stir in a rock powder (baked limestone, perhaps? I could not figure this part out and they did not know how to explain it) and mix for a few hours. The rock powder will settle out with the indigo pigment in it. This is then remixed with water as necessary to dye cloth.

We hiked on through the village, past familiar bamboo houses, some with cob-plaster covering for weather proofing and insulation, some without. Terraced rice fields sprinkled with wildflowers, children, and water buffalo stopped me in my tracks, jaw agape. Mist shrouded mountains on the near horizon complete the scene. The girls and I skip and run and "fly" down the path. We sing songs in English, French, and German; they sing me one in Japanese and some in Hmong. Down several concrete steps, I am secretly wondering if we have to walk back this way, and hoping not.

We come to a creek and I want to stop and play in the water. We skip rocks and I tell them the story of my Utah juniper berry ghost bead necklace. According to Native American tradition, there are 100 guards at the gates of heaven, and you must have a gift for each of them to pass through. Coyote, always the trickster, might try to intervene, though, so you must have 101 beads to be safe. The berries also provide protection and help keep away nightmares. Lan asks to see it and asks me to close my eyes. I don't like where this is going, but comply anyway. I peeked and saw her slip my necklace into a fold in her shirt, then throw a rock in the pond we are playing near. I open my eyes in false shock and make to dive in after it. We all giggle and Ker slyly pulls me aside to show me where Lan hid it. I wink back knowingly and continue with the search.

I teach the girls an observation game I learned on Wilderness Orientation at UCSC, and Ker shows me a magic rock trick. Eventually, I tire of playing, tickle Lan to get my necklace back, and pick up some stones to make wire-wrap jewelery gifts for these girls--new-found jewels of my heart.

Tears in Hanoi

2006-02-19T02:22:00.000-08:00

Broke down crying today. phew...felt pretty good. I needed it. Over the price of a bowl of rice...well, over a misunderstanding about the price of a bowl of rice, really. I was emotionally ok while arguing with the server/manager about the difference between what I was expecting to pay and what she was expecting me to pay, but we were not getting very far. Then a kindly, 40-something man in a suit walked over and asked if I needed help translating. I started tearing up at his kindness. He told me the lady was saying I should pay 8000 Dong (about 50 cents US) for two bowls of white rice (which I already understood perfectly without words), but I was too choked up to explain my side of the story and just stood there with 5000 Dong in my hand, as I was expecting to pay 4000 dong...He thought the problem was that I did not have enough money. He took out his wallet and paid the 3000 Dong price difference. The lady threw up her hands, handed him his money back, and we all disbursed, but I did not feel heard and I think she felt cheated. I tried to maintain most of my composure until I got to a nearby park (good American tourist ambassadors don't walk the streets of foreign cities in tears). I sat on a curb by the pond, laid my heavy head on my folded arms and just sobbed for about 5-15 minutes. 3 people came over to comfort me, but I didn't want comforting--I wanted the tears! I'm fine now. Hanoi is intense. I got lost about 6 times yesterday. One of my first tasks this morning was to buy a map. That helped a ton. As did daylight.

Tonight, me and 2 brits and a finnish guy are going to have a traditional Vietnamese dinner at a local woman's house. We met her on the 24 hour bus ride from Vientiane, Laos, to Hanoi, Vietnam. She was very kind and helped us order food on the way here and paid for our local bus ride from the bus station to our hotel...we'll pay her back, but the gesture was huge. Arriving in this city in the dark and alone, one could easily get badly ripped off. Just when I thought I had travel in SE Asia pegged, I arrived in Vietnam. We'll see how my time here works out. My heart is insistantly calling me back to Thailand, but I booked my visas for Vietnam and Cambodia and don't want to waste them. This is really a silly reason to ignore my heart...and I continue to do it anyway. hmmmm.

I also spent some time in a gothic-style French cathedral today (French colonial rule from back in the day means there's a fair population of catholics here). For St. Joseph, the patron saint of my catholic elementary school. That was pretty cool. Also went into a Vietnamese temple I can only describe as a fusion...the alter held several statues of buddha, as well as several figures that looked like chinese emperors/warriors/old sages. Offerings at the alter included the usual fruit, candles, and inscense, but also pepsi, cookies, and even beer! Apparently these gods live in the modern world...

Some sort of service had just gotten out and a mob of women poured out of the temple, crossed the courtyard, and gathered around two buffet tables to eat. As I was wandering around looking in awe of the place, they invited me over to eat with them. I don't know what it was: some gelatinous rice-based goo about the consistency of thick pudding, topped with finely chopped unrecognizables (greens and mushrooms and egg I think? not meat, I hope), then mint and green onion and a tablespoonful of liquid on top that was supposed to turn it into soup. Strange. My belly is not sure what to think of it, but the welcome warmed my heart and I made many of the women smile, so it was beautiful to be there and partake.

Good Morning Vietnam!

2006-02-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought I had SE Asian travel pegged, I arrived in Hanoi. Phew, what a city! I thought the streets of Bangkok were chaotic--forget it! Hanoi is a sea of motorbikes. If you don't know how to swim, you learn quick. Crossing the street reminds me of round-penning a horse. Use body language to state your decisive intentions to cross and just start walking. You can read the motorbike's direction by the slightest angle of their front tire and sometimes even the body language of the driver. Just go with the flow, always forwards. Don't stop (I almost caused a few accidents by trying to get out of someone's way), except for large trucks. They are rare, but get the right of way when they do show up.

I found the old quarter a bit overwhelming. Tourist agencies, guest houses, cafes, street vendors, markets...prices for a train to Sapa varied by about $10 depending on where in town I asked. Wound up buying a map after getting lost 6 times my first night. Used this fabulous tool to navigate myself around Hanoi by rented bicycle my second day. Totally the way to see this city once you figure out how the traffic works. I booked my train ticket directly from the station, registered myself with the American consulate (where I believe I lost my train ticket...), saw student art galleries, the Temple of Literature where Confusious taught in the 11th Century, several impressive statues, a beautiful botanical garden...many things off the beaten track and quite frankly more real than you find in the Old Quarter.

There is a different energy in this country. I felt it even crossing the boarder. It is way more developed than Laos (that's true of all of SE Asia, though), but they still have huge agrarian areas. Terraced rice paddies, corn fields reminescent of America's heartland, and household gardens line the road in many areas. Deforestation is rampant.

Trying to leave Laos

2006-02-18T18:45:00.000-08:00

The $4 bus to Savannaket left me with no bus to Vietnam that day and only the possibility of a bus the next day...I decided to continue north to Vientiane, hoping the capital would have a bus to Hanoi that night. No dice...So at 12:30AM after 16 hours on a full local bus with no ac, I went shareda tuk tuk with two french guys back to the Sabaidy 2 guest house for a $1.50 dorm room. The next day, I booked what was supposed to be a VIP double decker tourist bus, thinking I deserved to spoil myself after the unending local bus ride from the previous day (plus the station told me the local bus had the same $18 price tag).

Turns out, the price is the same because there is no real VIP tourist bus to Vietnam. The mini-bus picked up 7 tourists from Vientiane town center for the 8 km trip back to the bus station. We arrived at 6:45 to a scene of chaos...buses to and from Vietnam were sequestered in the back corner of the station and we were told by 4 different people to get on 4 different buses during the hour before our departure.

The dirty bus we wound up herded onto was packed to the gills with green mangos. They filled the luggage area and literally unbolted several seats in the back to get all the crates in. People-wise, there were about 8 locals, 2 brits, a finnish guy and myself, all with two seats to ourselves (very nice). We rumbled down the road at about 7:45.

It was quite dark by this time, but I could still read the ocasional road marker. We were headed south, back to Savannaket, to cross the boarder down there for some reason that is definitely beyond me...oh well, I spent 40 out of 60 consequitive hours on a bus. An experience I am not keen to repeat any time soon.

During the journey, we made friends with two locals, Phoung and Sau, who helped us order food during the journey and got us on a local bus from the bus station to our hostel once we reached Hanoi. They also invited us to their home for a traditional meal the next night. We whole-heartedly accepted and had a wonderful time eating noodle soup with vegetables from a hotpot in the center of the table. Phoung means direction and she is an answer to my prayers.

The absurdities of life (aka asian markets)

2006-02-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

Perspective is key, especially while traveling in the stiffling heat, smog, noise, trash, dust, laughter, smiles, advice, tears, longings, sleepiness, night-bus karaoke, cigarette smoke, beer lao, noodle soup stands, bargaining, tuk-tuks, motorbikes, busy street crossings, and boats of all sizes on the Mekong River of south east asia. Today I wandered about 2 km across Pakse in southern Laos to catch a mini-bus to a nearby village. I wanted to watch and maybe learn from local weavers, but I got there too late. Instead, I walked through the Laos equivalent of a motorbike auto-square that melted into the typical asian market.

It's truely beyond description...cell phone vendors, hardware shops, mini-convenience stores selling toiletries, plastic rope, and cold drinks in coolers with dubious ice supplies, bicycle tires and scooter parts in all colors, next to a bucket of sharp homemade knives. Many shopkeepers are either marginally interested or are outright napping by the time I wander by around 11AM. They glance up at me with either a crack of a smile, a laugh, or a greeting: Sabaidee! Every now and then, I look up from scanning the market goods just in time to duck about 4" to avoid poking my eye out on a vendor's umbrella. I am about a head taller than everyone else in this country...

The isles of hardware and household goods are adjacent to my favorite part: the food! Fruit and vegetable vendors have their own areas. Some on tables under the 300'x1000' covered area, some on blankets under umbrellas lining the isles out front. Oranges, apples, and asian pears from who knows where are stacked artfully next to fruits I cannot name in funny shapes and brilliant colors. I try to taste at least one of everything as it varies from place to place. This journey is about new experiences, right? Mostly it's yummie. This morning, I buy nothing though, as Laos food does not sit well with my body (fellow travelers agree..."Welcome to Laos!", one said when we were chatting about this over noodle soup, which seems mostly safe). Walking away from the fruits and veggies, I cross fish vendors with their live catch swimming around each other in cramped aerated buckets, and hang a right before the isles of meat vendors--my stomach is definitely not up to watching women wave plastic bags over their animal parts to keep flies from landing too much (not all the women bother...). Whole pig heads lay on trays next to the animal's feet and butchered hind-quarters. Watching a slab of ribs get severed into sections, I understand why meat cleavers are as massive as they are--it takes repeated solid chops to get through inter-costel connective tissue. Live chickens and ducks lay on blankets and under woven bamboo dome-cages, waiting to become someone's dinner. I guess if you bring them to market alive, they will keep longer? Oh, I am happy to be a vegetarian in this country (even if it means living on sticky rice and bananas, oranges, pineapple, watermellon, tamarand--healthier than the bread and cheese I subsisted on in Europe).

And here I sit, 6 hours later, still blogging...I have missed the opportunity to hear evening prayers at Wat Luang and meet Monk Neuang (I hope he is not waiting for me), but I feel it was worthwhile to get these stories down...there are so many still to tell! Fabulous inspiring people I have met, like Brahmi, the beautiful grey-haired meditation teacher traveling with two small bags that contain everything she owns in the world (except a 4" thick sanscrit dictionary and some translations she's working on she will return for in Burma), or Pierre, the energy worker/massage therapist from Switzerland who has been on the road all over the world for 13 years, or Ellen, a sweet, adventurous 40+ year-old divorcee traveling alone who I visited the Buddha Cave with in Thakek.

mmm, so many stories! I sign off here for today. Tomorrow, I will catch a $4 bus at 7AM to Savannaket, and from there I'm headed by bus to the north of Vietnam. Blessings to everyone as they follow my journey at home!

Pakse, Tyna, and Wat Luang

2006-02-15T04:25:00.000-08:00

After a brief re-fueling stop at a village along the river (an 11 year-old boy brings an uncapped 1-liter pepsi bottle of red-colored fuel to the boatman who pours some in his engine and gives the boy a 1 liter water bottle and some money in exchange), we arrive in Pakse and it is a 7000 Kip tuk-tuk ride to the bus station and I do not know the timetable to Vietnam, so I decide to stay a few days in Pakse. Norman walks me to my guesthouse, Sabaidy 2, same as the one I stayed at in Vientiane. It is clean and quiet by my standards and $1.80/night for a dorm room with a fan, so I am happy. There is a sign on the wall that if you go to Wat Luang around the corner and ask for Monk Neuang, you can help with his english class and have a great experience! 5:30, I rush to take a shower and begin walking that direction.

On the way, I meet a typically thin, beautiful, long haired girl walking with her mother. She greets me and walks very close, eager to practice her english. She looks about 12 or 14 to me, but says she is 16. Her name is Tyna and she invites me to see her home. Just around the corner, her family runs an open front mini-mart shop and they pour me a glass of ice water. We sit togther across a 2' tall table on 1' tall plastic chairs and talk about boyfriends and what a waste of time they are, what she is studying, what she does for fun, where I have traveled, what she will make for dinner (as she does the cooking for the family). The mother asks through her daughter if I have had dinner, and I have not, but she does not directly invite me to stay, so I decide to continue on to the temple to try to find the monk and his english class. I give Tyna my e-mail and she gives me hers. One of many contacts quickly made. Only time will tell which will be kept and which lost...

Arriving at the Wat 20 minutes late, I ask for Monk Neuang and discover he has gone home for the night. A young Laos man at a table full of novices invites me to join and practice english with him. He just turned 18 two days ago and is taking a 1 month break before transitioning from novice to monk. He loves to study and hopes to travel to america someday. It is interesting to me that he is more interested in speaking than in hearing me speak (I am forever the listener!), though he asks me to sing a song. I choose Simon and Garfunkel's Sound of Silence for some reason and everyone listens with rapt attention. A bit shy, but also enjoying the spotlight again, I sing just one verse.

A bit more conversation and my tummy grumbles. I excuse myself and head off to find some sticky rice and the internet. He invites me to come back tomorrow night--maybe Monk Neuang will be back? He is planning a visit to California to study Buddhism there, so it would be good for us to meet. My friend Kel also invites me to come early to hear evening prayers and I am excited at the prospect. We part company with smiles.

Champassak and World Heritage Site Wat Phou

2006-02-15T02:50:00.000-08:00

Leaving 4000 Islands proved an even greater rip off than arriving. Painful negotiations for a fair mini-bus price from the village to Champassak (smoothed over and finally sealed by gifting couple bananas to the driver and his price-maker) led to worse negotiations with a tuk-tuk driver charging $1 to drive us about 2km (should have been about 40 cents) from the mini-bus stop to a ferry that cost 30 cents, non-negotiable, to my saviour, a guest-house owner who offered a free tuk-tuk ride to his place on the river in Champassak proper, 2km away. I have no intention of staying (I am in Champassak only to see the Wat and head to Vietnam), but he gives me a lift anyway since I will rent a bicycle from him.

My quickly made friends also coming from Si Pan Don this morning loan me their Lonely Planet (as I am (gasp!) traveling without the backpacker's bible...) and I learn the famous Wat Phou is only 8 km south of town. I drop off my bag, stuff my valuables in my hand-made purse, fill my water bottle, and hop on the $1 rented bicycle, which seems somewhat sturdier and certianly more used than my last rented steed (which gave me the broken chain adventure...). It feels amazingly good to be back on a bicycle, even in 90+ degree heat. It is my favorite way to travel.

The Wat is a world heritage site, but I hear it does not hold a candle to Anchor Wat which I plan to visit in a month or so, so I decide not to pay the $3 entry fee (not part of the day's budget and I am running out of Kip...no ATM's in the south of Laos). I gaze longingly from afar. The ruins appear beautiful and I can feel the sacred vibes from across the foot-ball field sized rectangular reflection pond teeming with life separating me from the site. A barely discernable heron perches in a tree near the Wat and several fish leap out of the water, catching their dinner flying above and walking on the surface of the pond. Definitely worth the hot bike ride.

Returning to the guesthouse, I take a sidetrip down a lesser-traveled road that shortly turns to dirt and I am rewarded by shouted greetings from enthusiastic children. I wave back and smile and shout "Sabaidee!" in return. I wonder if I should stop to play with them for a bit, but they seem to just be sitting around on their bicycles or engaged in their own ritual games and I decide to remain a snapshot passing through. Well worth the dusty trip, these are the Laos people I love. I stop by a near-ruined temple on the return trip and kneel for a few minutes, praying grattitude and love.

The ride back to return my bicycle is creeky, but uneventful. My tuk-tuk driver friend now wants 5000 kip for a ride back to the ferry dock so I can catch another pricey tuk-tuk to the main road to wait for another expensive mini-bus ride to Pakse where I hope to depart for Hanoi tonight. I decline, pack my stuff re-refill my waterbottle and start walking. Half-way back to the ferry dock, he drives up laughing with another gentleman in the back, waves me in "Free, free, ok" and off we go. At the ferry dock, I tell him his smile is golden and I really appreciate it. I think he understands. Norman, from Canada, and I arrive at the dock just in time to see a small ferry leave, so we wait a few moments. We see a couple following a Laos man off to the side and wonder if they are going across, so we follow them.

Turns out, they have paid this guy $12 for a boat ride up river all the way to Pakse (about 2 hours ride) and they offer for us to join them. Negotiations begin. This man is much more kindly than many I've been negotiating with, though he starts with $5 each...phew, no thanks. Even nickel and dimed, I believe I should be able to get to Pakse by ferry and bus for $1.50 or $2. Norman persists and tries for $3 each...no no, he starts to push off. Our friends on the boat say "Wait wait, we have already paid you and don't mind if they come...don't you want to make some extra money?" so the boatman agrees to take Norman and I for $7 together...$3.50 each. Norman gets on, but I hesitate...this is more Kip than I want to part with for the journey, and say $2.50 is my max offer...not enough, so I begin to walk back towards the ferry. Boatman laughs, ok ok, come back. $2.50 ok. And so I return to travel on this river I feel so akin to and comfortable with and have said good bye to 3 times, now. I hope this trip is not my last time with her.

Si Pan Don-- 4,000 Disappointments

2006-02-14T02:25:00.000-08:00

In the very south of Laos, the Mekong River splits and braids around hundreds of tiny islands and forms an area named Si Pan Don (literally 4,000 Islands). Touted by Lonely Planet and recommended by my hostel-mate in Vientiane as a cheap, back-packer friendly must see for gorgeous island scenery and quaint river life. I was expecting $1 river-front bungalows, cheap food, friendly fishermen, and some more of the quiet relaxation I had experienced in the south of Thailand and my river trip from Luang Prabang to Vientiane. Hoping to stretch $50 for a week or more here, I was nickel and dimed at every turn of the journey (bus to Pakse, mini-bus to the village near the river, ferry to the island...) and what I found was disgruntled feeling locals, full $2 river-front bungalows, and expensive food that continues to disagree with my tummy. Rather than enjoying a taste of paradise, I felt like an unwelcome alien invader (which of course, I am).

I walked about 20 minutes down the bungalow-strewn riverside of Don Det, supposedly the smallest, least developed of the three tourist islands, and find a quieter, more isolated guesthouse with full bungalows, but a free room in the main house for $1.50. I am tired of walking, figure the rest of the bungalows are probably full, too, like the price, and the woman knows my friend Nata from Vientiane, so I stay.

For lunch, I order pineapple fried rice, which is not on the menu, but comes out pretty well, and I appreciate Ms. Boune Tip's efforts. Consistant with my culinary opinons here, I prefer the Thai version to the Laos.

Again I find myself alone on an island during my travels on Valentine's day. The holiday does not seem to be celebrated here, and I did not recently go through a messy break up (as preceeded my excruciatingly lonely Valentine's experience on Venice during Carnival in 2003), so I am not upset. I borrow a small boat from my guesthouse owner and try to paddle myself about the river, prudently heading upstream first and discovering that my one-man boat seems a lot more interested in going back and forth when I paddle than in going straight upstream and I wish I had someone with me to paddle on the opposite side. I give up struggling against the current and paddle sideways to a gap in the islands across from my guesthouse I had seen some locals enter for fishing. It was beautiful and quiet, but the river was pretty low and there were a lot of rocks and sticks covered in algae. I now understand why the slow boat to Luang Prabang took such a zig-zaggy path down the Mekong, and what Air, my Mekong guide, meant when he said his head was full of rocks--he has to know where all the rocks are in the river so he does not damage his boat or his prop, because they are not necessarily visible on the surface. I am thankful the man that almost sold me a boat in Luang Prabang didn't and encouraged me to go with a guide for safety.

I spent two nights on Si Pan Don... enough to walk down and see the French rail-road bridge, watch a few sunsets (one mediocre, one stunning) and the most amazing full moon rise I've ever seen--the huge face of the full moon rose a vibrant red through the clouds of the Eastern horizon. Such things defy description and must be seen for one's self. I leave today $8 lighter and again facinated by my environment's continuing reflection of my emotional state (I feel like I'm running out of money and want to get by as cheaply as possible, and the people around me become more greedy...what do you know!).

Laos Full Moon Party

2006-02-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, the famous full moon parties of south-east asia...The one I attended in little Thakek, Laos, felt more like a local county faire than the raving, white-washed mob-scenes I have heard about in larger cities and especially on Phuket Island in Thailand. Here is the story of my festival experience:

I return to the Travel Lodge from a morning wandering Thakek's streets, checking out their market, and adventuring 8km from town to see thier Great Wall (see my blog entry Great Wall of Southern Laos, which I intend to write shortly), and pick out a 40 cent watermellon from the 50' long x 4' deep x 3' tall pile 4 families are selling from in front of my hostel. I ask the kitchen staff to butcher my enormous prize and we share the spoils. Sitting on the terrace patio to relax a bit, I hear 3 teen-age boys rocking out on their 5-stringed, untuned guitar and laughing. Music to my ears.

One of the guesthouse employees sits down opposite me. I offer some of the garlic-flavored mellon (thanks, Travel Lodge kitchen knife!), and the now familiar conversation begins: Where you from? What is your name? Do you have a boyfriend at home? Sometimes I say no, sometimes I invent someone (usually someone very tall and strong...), but this time I approximate the truth: I have a few interests back home, but it's a bit complicated as I am away for 6 months/indefinitely. I get the usual disappointment from my unavailability and the usual disbelief that I am single and traveling alone. What you do tonight? You like dancing? Sure, I say! Haven't done that yet on this trip...we make a plan to meet at 7 and go out for Karaoke and dancing.

7PM arrives and I shower and throw on my one pair of pants, relatively clean tee-shirt, and top it with my sarong and head downstairs. My friend is no where in sight! I wonder if I have been stood up and chat idly with fellow travelers for a bit (everyone truely has a story and many are facinating!). The third time I wander by looking for Er, some Lodge employees invite me to join them for dinner. Oh, yes, thank you! I sit down for sticky rice, spicy (spicy-spicy!!) green papaya salad, roasted eggs (not sure how they're made...they're all one consistency, like custard, and have veggies inside the shells on top. Tastey, so I have a second, but sketchy, so I decline the third), and passing on the roast chicken (kin jay, I explain I am vegetarian) we finish the meal with khao-laos, a delicious sweetened sticky rice, either purple grained or white, stuffed in bamboo for convenient transport. My conversational host is Tac, who speaks excellent English and works in the biotech industry in San Diego, visiting his family in Laos for a few weeks each year. The 4-some I dine with are old friends and it shows. We laugh together and I feel very welcome and happy to be fed.

After the meal, I find Er dressed very nicely in slacks and a button down shirt in the kitchen finishing up his noodle soup dinner. Ready? Ok! We hop on the back of his scooter and drive off into the darkness. The streets are largely empty and Er seems a skilled bike pilot, but I am terrified. Unlike my previous bike rides in Thialand and Luang Prabang, it is dark, I cannot see the street surface, and imagine I would not be comforted if I could. I am on the back of a bike with a near-stranger, clueless about where we are going (probably my biggest worry), and periodically jarred by potholes and dirt stretches in the road. We twist and turn through some sketchy back streets and I lose my sense of direction. Tuk-tuks abound, so if something happens and I need a ride home I'll be ok. I do not feel directly threatened, so I decide to trust all is for the best. Maintaining my death grip on the scooter's passenger handles under my seat, I soon realize we are headed for the Full Moon Festial at the Stuppa south of town. Relaxing a bit as I now know where I am, I wish I knew how to ask Er to slow down in Laos (his English is mediocre), but I keep quiet.

Shortly before arriving at the faire, strange grating/squeeking noises emit from the front end of his bike and our momentum skips a bit...sounds and feels like the brakes are grabbing. We stop and I hop off...Uhoh, Bike broken. He pushes it back and forth, pulls the brakes a bit and decides it's not too bad. I have visions of the brakes grabbing completely at 50kph and us spilling across the road leaving our skins behind, but say nothing, get on, and head the last few km to the faire.

We arrive in one piece (why do I get so neurotic sometimes?), he pays to park the bike and for us to enter, gentleman-style. The road to enter the faire is lined with vendors selling oranges; roasted bananas, potatos, chicken, sausage, and pork balls; drinks (alcoholic and non); and khao-laos tubes of sticky rice. The faire itself is a maze of carnival stalls, local tourism attraction information, cell phone vendors, washing machines (washing machines??) for sale, beautiful wood carvings, and several stages with bad music and dancers. I am intrigued that most folks at this festival are locals out with their families for a good time. I enjoyed playing darts for candy and paid $1 so Er and I could watch two monkeys in tee-shirts and shorts with the bum cut out ride tiny bicycles around in a circle (rather sad, really) and then 4 people do a gravity-defying circus act in one of those spinning cylinder things about 30' tall. Coordinated by the leader's whistle, the 3 men and 1 woman assumed various relative orientations standing perpendicular to the 20' diameter revolving contraption that made them look like they were flying. My favorite was when they ran down the wall like spidermen, got plastic chairs to sit on, climbed back up the wall, struck a pose, then stood back up and the chairs slid CRASH down to the floor.

The center of the festival was Thakek's great golden stuppa, wrapped in lights and mobbed by people praying and making offerings of candles, incense, and flowers. 2000 Kip (20 cents) to get in (which I assume Er paid, as I just walked on by), I knelt and prayed for peace and prosperity and awakening and God's will in my life, with 3 prostrations to open and close the prayers: one for the Buddha, one for the Dhamma (his teaching/word), and one for the monks. A Thai man in Chiang Mai taught me how to fold my hands: you do not press your hands flat together, but close them just around the palm's edges and touch the fingertips, keeping them a bit open in the middle. The thumbs meet at the knuckles and arch outward a bit so your hands form the shape of a lotus. I wonder what the locals think of this falang and my offering, but I care less and less about judgement from others as my journey progresses. I probably will never see these folks again, so why not pray if I want to pray? I do my best to honor local custom, and I do not think I am offending anyone. Most people get a giggle out of it, I think, and so much the better for all of us and for the world.

To close our faire experience, we watched some bad music enthusiastically performed to a near empty beer garden and then watched a cultural performance from groups of about 20-30 elementary/middle school age kids doing Laos traditional dance in ornate jewel-toned costumes, embroidered with gold. The dance was simple--stepping back and forth, crossing their arms and extending one wrist above the shoulder and head so the hand looks like a flower blossoming. It was simple and stunningly beautiful to watch, but I cannot immitate it.

Returning to the bike, it seemed to work ok, yet my trepidations returned for the journey home. We arrived at the Travel Lodge 8km and 20-30 minutes later again in one piece, but I disembarked and told him I would probably hire a tuk-tuk to go see the Buddha Cave tomorrow because I heard the road was really shitty and I was scared to take the bike. He looked sad, but understood (my decision cost him a $10 guide fee). It was around 9PM and we had not done any dancing, so he drove off again to who-knows where and I went to bed.

PS- If you happen to visit Thakek, I highly recommend the Travel Lodge. About 5K from the bus station and 2K from old town, it's in a decent location and has a kind staff, great atmosphere, good caving and trekking opportunities, and the $2 dorm accomodations offer a great chance to meet up and coordinate trips with fellow travelers. The food portions are rather small and a bit pricey, but the fruit plate is huge and delicious!

Great Wall of Southern Laos

2006-02-12T00:12:00.000-08:00

Today, I decide to see one of the few nearby sights Thakek has to offer: The Great Wall. This is a sandstone wall that formed a part of Laos's defense system back in the day (so don't quote me on local history...I'm just passing through for the sights). Best viewed from a site 8km north of town, I walk to the local bus station and try to find a tuk-tuk alternative. There are a couple of guys sitting around what I hope is an information window (cannot read the Laos signs) and one of them jumps up to help me. Is there a local bus to the Great Wall (I point to the Laos name on my map)? He says, Tuk-tuk? No, no...local bus. Thao dai? (how much) He quotes me 100,000 Kip. $10?? Ha! no-no, local bus! Cheap. He asks how much I mean by cheap. I say 2-4000 Kip. 4000 Kip, ok. Go with this guy, then find your own ride back. hmmmm, not sure about this, as "this guy" is obviously not a local bus and just happens to be heading in my direction. I decide to go for it and trust all will be well. I hop in the back of his truck with an older woman and a young boy (13?) and an assortment of rice, veggies, and watermellons. We bump along down the main road and he pulls off onto a dirt side track at a gravestone shaped road marker that says Thakek, 8km. This is about what my map said, and soon the wall comes into view. I do not want to make him drive any farther off his route than he has to, and partway down the road I motion and holler for him to stop and hop out, handing over my Laos equivalent of 40 cents. I feel proud of myself for the bargain ride, he seems proud of himself for getting the extra cash for a drive he was going to do anyway.

I begin walking, yet he continues to drive in my direction! I am a bit confused, but he soon parks at an opening in the wall and his family hops out, too. I snap out of my usual laid-back wandering mode and follow them through the opening, under a hole in some barbed wire fence and am shortly rewarded by what appears to be a church! Locked behind a steel grate, protected in a stone cubby hole about 10' up the wall was a 4' tall figure of the virgin Mary--Mary?? Next to this, a stone alter was sheltered by a brick and mortar arch and arrayed in front were several rows of manufactured stone seats, wide enough for two people each. It looked like a flattened amphitheater and I was struck by two things: this is quite possibly the most beautiful church I have ever seen--outside in nature where praise should be done, and the feeling that I know how to pray here. I have been feeling a bit awkward and out of place at the Wat's, since I don't know buddhist customs except that I am a woman and therefor have some restrictions. I have been missing Kirtan and Sunday morning meditation and long walks in Utah's desert. Lonely single rooms and open dorm rooms for $1.50 a night are not generally conducive to prayer. Neither are the busy streets, and public parks are few and far between. I can find solace walking on my own and occasionally on a boat or by the Mekong river, yet these are not always accessable to me and I had been feeling like I have forgotten how to pray.

I walked off aways and found a small boulder to sit on near a small pond (someone's cattle watering hole?). I watched 1/2" long red ants march along tree branches and studied spiders' webs on the ground. The dense nets of webbing form a fog, funneling into an abyss about an inch in diameter where the spinner waits for her prey. I sit here and write in my tiny journal, three lines of my penned hand to each line of the journal (a source of amazement to locals and fellow travelers alike...I just try to be thrifty with my paper!). I walk back to the wall and climb about, proud of my summit, retracing my steps and tearing my pants a bit to get back down (see pictures of me about 30-40' in the air in the MareinLaos photo albumn).

The family that brought me here has long since departed (as agreed), a tour group of 5 air conditioned mini-van buses has come and gone, and I decide I am ready to leave. I walk back to the main road and try my hand at hitch-hiking, but several trucks pass without stopping. hmmmmm, beginning to doubt my plans (or lack thereof), I try to keep my consciousness focused on enjoying the walk and the continued views of the massive stone wall intermittant behind the weeds to my right, rather than on the 8-12 km I still have to walk and the fact that no one is stopping for me. Maybe 10 minutes later, a bus comes and I wave it down. It stops and I run up, Thakek? ok. Thao dai? 5000 Kip...hmmmm, 4000, dai baw? no no, 5000... well, not interested in walking anymore than I have to, I hop in. We arrive in town 6-7KM later and I try again, 4000 ok? pulling out exact change, driver smiles and nods. I smile and walk the last 5 k into town, saving $1 on a tuk-tuk ride and completing my adventure for the day.

Tips on travel in SE Asia

2006-02-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

Things I'm glad I was told before I came, and a few I've learned along the way:

1) A sarong is an absolute necessity for SE Asian travel. It's a skirt, dress, towel, beach mat, scarf, head wrap, shall (for warding off the sun or a chill), mosquito protection, sheet...as useful as your imagination makes it! I thought I would just pick one up here, but I actually didn't see them sold till I got to the beach towns in Thailand's south (perhaps because I had brought mine from home and wasn't looking for one, though?).

2) A mosquito net is highly useful, even for sound sleep in youth hostels.

3) "Ma!" in a sharp, commanding tone is useful for deterring barking dogs (or dog packs, as you may encounter walking the back streets) in Thailand.

4) Personal water filters are expensive upfront, but can save you the expense of buying 1L bottles in a hot environment, not to mention the waste. I am very happy with my Katadyn Extream XR. Been drinking tap water almost everywhere for the past 3 weeks and just got sick for the first time yesterday (from food, I'm sure...I do not advise eating a whole sheet of fried river algae with garlic, tomato, and seasame seeds when your body has never had it before and sometimes has adverse reactions to garlic...4 day-old rice at tropical room temperature may not be the best, either).

Luang Prabang to Pak Lay to Vientiane on the River

2006-02-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

This trip was perhaps not the most prudent endeavor I've ever undertaken, but the result was good, so that justifies the expense and the risk, right? I was confronted by my own naivete in some ways, and pleasantly enough found strength underneath it. Let me get to the story...

I am in Laos and it is amazing...85% of this population is still village-style agrarian. I just spent about 7 days on the Mekong river from the boarder to the capital, 4 of which were in a little fishing-boat (about 20-30' long and 2' wide) with my own 24-year-old guide (who had built the boat by himself!) named Air, boating by day, cooking and sleeping on the river's beach by night--$150 plus $15 for food and $8 bank fees to get the $150...thus the expense. (Comparing 4-day guided river trips in Vientiane, it seems I got an ok deal)

The first night, we pulled onto an empty beach and I watched as Air weaved 9 sticks into a lean-to and covered the top with old rice-bags for a shelter. For our bed, Air laid the slatted wooden floor boards of the boat in a jigsaw puzzle on the sand and spread a beach mat and two blankets on top. He lit the charcoal cook fire with a candle and we fried some fish in a wok. Delicious! I slept fitfully in a strange environment, uncomfortably close to this stranger with questionable feeling intentions. Later that night, we saw some sort of black cat, about the size of a bobcat, meowing insistently for our fish leftovers. Deterred by the flashlight, Air decided not to shoot it (eep! I'm sleeping next to a stranger with a gun under his pillow??? oh boy.). The second day, we used the engine very little and just enjoyed floating with the current to save fuel and relax in the peace and quiet. Since the road was improved a few years ago, the Mekong from Luang Prabang to Vientiane is no longer a main transport route. Now, she is largely traveled by locals transporting goods, little fishing crafts such as the one I hired, and the occasional houseboat--enormous ships by comparison, with 100' long decks for cargo in front and two story houses on the back.

We floated by several villages I was hoping to visit, but Air said they are greedy and he was afraid if we stopped, they would steal his petrol. I understood and figured he knew better than I, yet as we began to look for camp I became perturbed. It seems in Air's world, everyone is a threat! How sad for him, I feel, yet I also was feeling ripped off as village visiting was something he promised when I agreed to pay him $150 for this trip! He explained the next day that there are people from a different tribe farther down river that are kind that we could stop at, so my worries were eased.

We stopped at a few villages--one to buy sticky rice and another so I could see their school--and I took a bunch of pictures. The people were hesitant about me at first, but very curious. A few women waved me over and we smiled together and talked in our own languages...A crowd of children began to gather and soon 5-7 women and about 20 children from infants to 12 year olds had come together to stare at me. I pulled out my digital camera and they laughed and laughed when I showed them their pictures on the tiny digital screen!

Back on the river, satisfied by my visit, I noticed Air seemed a bit edgey. I asked him why...apparently he thought I was going to sleep with him (thus my naivete), and he was mistaken. There were some hard feelings when we talked about our culture's differing opinions on sexuality. Apparently for him, the trip is unlucky and creates danger since we didn't sleep together. I tried to explain in my culture, it's generally frowned upon to sleep with someone the day you meet them and that whether we slept together or not had nothing to do with his safety. It was a rather heated debate, but we worked it out. He cut his knee superficially the evening of the third day and suddenly seemed much more chipper. I did not understand his shift in attitude until he explained that the cut had let out the danger and everything bad he was afraid of was gone. I do not think it really makes a difference, but his superstitions were satisfied and we had a great time the last day.

Pak Lay proved to be a charming little town that sees few foreigners. I had a great time buying sticky rice, noodles, and bananas at the market, exercising my limited Laos and being led around by laughing, helpful women in my search for khao neeo. I checked into my $3 guesthouse, plugged Air's cell phone in to charge, and went down to the boat for one last meal with my guide. The next morning, I awoke early, checked out and walked about town. The locals were very friendly and most of the packs of children riding their bikes to school returned my greetings and waves. I stopped by a Wat where the monks were having breakfast from their morning's alms and the novices all gathered together to stare at me. Uncertain if I was welcome or not and obviously disturbing the flow of the morning, I shyly retreated. Wandering the back "streets" (ie narrow dirt paths) among local's houses, I was greeted with amused smiles and laughter. Got some great photos of real Laos life, though a beautiful woman in her 20's declined my request to take her picture rocking her baby in a bamboo cradle hung from the ceiling of her front porch.

These wanderings took up most of my spare time, so I headed back to the main road towards the boat docks. I stopped at a little noodle stand and ordered noodle soup to go. They laughed and laughed as I tried to explain vegetarian as she fished around in her pot amongst various animal parts and entrails...When I got out my money to pay, a man standing over my shoulder took my wallet and studied my Utah ID (pigtails and all). I was not worried in the least. We parted with smiles all around and I went and boarded the boat for Vientiane, paying nearly double the local fare I had been told and was expecting, but a dollar off the usual falang price (wound up $11).

I am now in Vientiane (Laos's capital). My first impression was that this is just another SE Asian city, and I wanted out as soon as I arrived. On the truck/taxi ride from the boat-port to town center (about 10km) I was feeling committed to leaving ASAP. I was expecting guest houses to run $8-30, but I found one for only 15,000 Kip ($1.50, lol)! and sushi around the corner for $1.50-2.50/roll! amazing wood/carved/silversmithed/woven goods, including a silk weaving store where I can watch the weavers work tomorrow...live music(!!) at a club near the river I hope to check out tonight, English teacher jobs posted in lots of internet store windows (I think it's the same flier, but still), furnished 2-3 bedroom houses for rent for $250/month! and the city just has a good vibe from what I've picked up walking around so far. I may spend longer than I thought here (especially since the bus to Savannakit leaves at 8:30 and arrives at 2:30AM, yuck! I was hoping for a boat, but they said there isn't one...). I highly recommend checking out Laos if any of you get the chance. Good vibes. Caveat: this writing is based on a rush of energy from about 30 minutes of walking aimlessly and finding tons of cool stuff. I may have a different opinion tomorrow.

Long, slow boat ride to Laos, part III--Day 2

2006-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

It is interesting how a culture has developed on our tourist boat. We left Chiang Mai in groups of 9 on mini-buses and saw each other at many of the same stops along the way. Joined into groups of about 30 at our respective guest houses at the boarder town of Chiang Hong, then conglomerated into two sets of 100 on each of the 2 slow boats traveling down-river that day. Everyday, 200 tourists are shuttled down the Mekong from Chiang Hong to Luang Prabang...The process runs very smoothly, though we broke down twice and I glimpsed a Lao man in his skivvies contemplating the engine, wrench in hand, on more than one occasion. I suspect more energy and maintenance goes into keeping us moving than we tourists realize. In Prabang (the half-way stop on the two day boat journey), we 200 join together to wander the streets and select food and housing for the night, then the first 100 early birds (of which I am one, believe it or not!) get on another boat and continue the journey. 6 hours or so the first day, about 8 the second, we had plenty of time to get to know one another. Cards were played, guidebooks exchanged, beer consumed in mass quantities...good times, good times.

Upon arrival in Luang Prabang, many of us swap e-mails and wish each other safe travels. We shoulder our bags and trudge up the banks through crouds of hopeful tuk-tuk drivers and guesthouse employees, hooking for tourists. Guest house prices are quoted at $30, $10, $8...Phaeng phot! (too expensive) I walk on. Wandering the streets, I discover LP is basically the same as any other south-east asian city, though on a considerably smaller scale than many in Thailand, and I am ready to leave as soon as I arrive. The wat's are gorgeous and women sell gorgeous silk at the night market. Stunningly ornate carvings in wood and animal horns lay on blankets next to intricate silver jewelery and beadwork. I try to ask one girl where her goods are made, but I did not copy that phrase from my friend's Lonely Planet and do not succeed in learning where she's from. I found a guest house for $4 (bargained down from $5) and checked in. Then I wandered into an Eco-Tourism office and asked if it is possible to hire a boat to head down river and go village hopping. He said it should be no problem, just go down and ask at the boat docks. Nice. He also said you can't really buy touring bicycles in this country...they get their rental bikes either from China, or travelers that come to the end of their journey and want to sell them. I wonder if I can hook up a deal like that somehow? I have seen 3 cycle-tourists so far. One I talked to said he's having an amazing time. His bike was loaded onto the ferry boat just like any other piece of luggage. I wonder if bus travel is possible? anyway, all this is future speculation and my eyelids are drooping (nearly 11PM). Bed beckons. More exploring and traveling tomorrow.

Long, slow boat ride to Laos, part II--Wat encounter

2006-02-03T06:20:00.000-08:00

Went for a walk in Prabang at night after checking into my guesthouse. Interesting thing about Prabang--electricity is rationed by street. Each street gets power on a different day, and that day was not Main St's turn. The store fronts were romantically lit by candle light, and the street itself was visible only by the light of the slender quarter moon. Again following my heart, I meandered through the last few open market stalls packing up their food and goods and continued on towards where the locals live. There was a bit of a gap (500m?) between the market and the beginning of the main Laos neighborhood, and a group of four 8-11 year-olds giggled and hurried as they passed me walking home. I have nearly gotten used to this and it made me smile. As I approached the generator lit homes of some locals, something gripped my heart and told me to turn around. I did, and a set of stairs caught my eye heading towards the river. The dark, barely legible sign read Wat something-or-other, so I walked down a bit and sat on the landing half-way. My reward for this exploration was about 10 minutes of beautiful chanting. Sounded like a chorus of monks chanting in harmony, though I could only see one adult and one child of about 10.

About 5 minutes after the monks finished chanting, the monestary dog noticed me and began barking. I tried to will him quiet, but to no avail. After a few minutes, I figured I was probably disturbing the monks and got up to leave. This startled the dog, who then ran away and I figured maybe I could stay...A monk came out to investigate and climbed up the dark stairs tentatively. I greeted him "Sabaidee," which is pretty much the extent of my Lao, so far. I tried to ask if it was ok that I was there, or if I should leave and I think he implied it was ok. He sat down a stair above me and asked me my name and I his. We discussed where we are from (he has lived in Prabang his whole life, from what I gathered) and tried to think of a way to communicate--I wished I knew more Lao. Another monk came to investigate, guided by the light of his cellphone's screen. They exchanged some Lao conversation and I think I caught the Lao word for foreigner...the second monk spoke less english than the first, but he asked me how I was twice and we exchanged names. He made a phone call and we three sat together in the stillness of a non-electrified jungle for a while, watching the moon over the river.

A local man came up the stairs, winded as though he had been running and sat right next to me--arm to arm. He spoke a fair bit of english and laughed a lot. He taught me some Lao (thank you, beautiful, and tastey (which is about the extent of my Thai))...offered me some opium and asked for a kiss. I laughed and refused, noticing that the monks had wandered back downstairs to their evening routine and I decided to leave. My opium smoking friend used his lighter to guide me up the stairs and I was a little worried he would follow me back to my guest house, but we parted ways and I laughed all the way home. Ran into a few friends from the day's boat-ride and decided to have dinner together at an indian restaurant next to my guest house. Delicious! Fresh chick peas, potatoes and spinach, and tofu and spinach. Naan, chiapatti, rice, and a yogurt, tomato, cucumber, onion side dish completed the meal and we left full and happy having splurged due to not yet being used to a new currency (10,250 kip to the US dollar, versus 40 Bhat:dollar--definitely a new way of thinking)--a whopping $2 per person! 2-4 times what I have been spending per meal. My hostel was clean, though my room again boardered the porch where some housemates were drinking and singing and chatting for the next hour+ until the generator went off. We all have our own style of travel and I did not begrudge them their socialization.

Long, slow boat ride to Laos, Part I

2006-02-03T05:40:00.000-08:00

An 8 hour drive in a 9-passenger mini-bus kicks off my 3-day journey from Chiang Mai, Thailand, to Luang Prabang, Laos. Collecting passengers from among CM's numerous guest houses takes about 45 minutes. While we wait for a few Irish fellows, an impossibly large truck navigates the twisted, narrow back streets and pulls into a driveway we had to back out of to make way. I suppose the hotels need their pepsi and someone's got to bring it. All loaded up, the AC struggled to keep us cool. We had to open the windows with no AC for about 30 minutes to climb a beautiful mountain road. We decided windows open and no AC was more effecient anyway and went that route the rest of the journey. Arriving in Chiang Kong (Xiang Hong? spelling is rather relative here), I got a room facing east with a beautiful view of the Mekong river and Laos across the way. I cannot believe I am here.

I decide to investigate the town and wind up purchasing a $6 hamock (the $1.25 one seemed a bit flimsy...), 3 meters of rope, a lighter and a knife. I already felt I was carrying too much, so I'm not sure what I was thinking, but if I get the chance to sleep out for even 1 or 2 nights, it will pay for itself. :)

The red disk of the morning sun climbed through the mist-shrouded trees on the ridge across the river and created an orange exclaimation point with its reflection (as if emphasis were necessary...). Amazing. My photos will not do it justice, and I took them anyway.

After breakfast, travelers and gear were loaded into pick-up trucks and carted about 500 m to the boarder. Got my passport stamped, got in a ferry, and arrived less than a minute later in Laos! Filled out an arrival form, got my visa checked and passport stamped and walked up the hill to be crammed into another truck/taxi and carted about a km over terrible pot-hole filled roads to the boat dock. I pity the trucks in this country...

We were told there would be limited accomodation at Prabang where the boat would stop for the night, so if we didn't have a place booked, we should book with them then. I did not think to ask if my TAT package included a room for that night (I think it may have), so I booked. 200 Bhat ($5) didn't seem too bad...well, upon arrival, there was a mob of Laos people offering rooms. Prabang's main street was basically alternating guesthouses, restaurants, and miscelaneous shops. At least the lesson not to believe accomodation bookers was learned fairly cheaply (could have had a place for 100 Bhat without too much effort, but most really were 200).

Wat Doi Suttep

2006-01-31T19:24:00.000-08:00

I had a pretty magical experience at Chiang Mai's famous Wat on Doi Suttep. I was wandering around the hill, looking at the beautiful sights (tons of bells, gongs, enshrined trees, buddha statues, and a gorgeous golden chedi in the temple center)and contemplating the invisibility that I (and many others it seems) so often cultivate in crouds--the feeling of looking around, but not catching anyone's eyes...not really seeing nor being seen. I got to feeling a bit dejected about it, so I went and found a bench to myself and started writing in my journal. Before too long, a monk came up to me and we talked for a bit. Turns out he is from Laos (where I am going today). He was excited to practice his english and I was excited to hear his story. We swapped e-mails and he gave me some chips from his alms that morning that he didn't want and two books: one on vegetarianism and one on buddhist meditation (I had asked him where I might be able to study as a woman foreigner). I laughed that he gave me chips with fish and a book on going veggie...I will have to write him about this irony. I wound up giving the chips to my taxi driver, but the exchange left a smile in my heart.

Chiang Mai trek reflections

2006-01-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

I wish my Chiang Mai trek had been 20 days long...I keep vascilating between the opinion that A) my level of consciousness/happiness is completely my own choice and results from the attitude I choose to bring to my environment and the level of acceptance I have of what is truely going on around me (as opposed to how I label it through my perceptions and filters), and B) it really does make a difference what energies are present in my environment because that affects my own physical and spiritual energies. Perhaps when one gets better at being present in conducive environments, it gets easier to stay present regardless of the energies going on around you? This is something I continue to process and a theme that keeps coming up in my travel conversations. Tomorrow or the next day, I hope to head to the boat docks and see if I can negotiate a trip down river stopping at some of the smaller villages to meet locals and maybe learn how to weave? I am ready to get out of the cities...they truely are pretty much the same everywhere.

Jungle Trek (the short version)

2006-01-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

Hiking through the lush jungles of Chiang Mai's outlying north was a beautiful, relaxing respite from the hustle and bustle of Thailand's city life. It was a 3 day, 2 night trek as part of my TAT package. 9 other travelers and two guides made up our party of 13. Our guide was from the Karen tribe and very funny--his english was pretty good and he told stories about his first trip to the city (and his first attempt to use a western toilet) and his former jobs as a drug trafficer and forest policeman (catching drug trafficers)...good times. I learned a bit about back-strap weaving watching a Karen-tribe woman work. After the first day's 4 mile-ish hike, the first thing we did was start shopping the tribal goods. I spent no money on the trek, and felt a bit remiss in my duty as a tourist-trekker, but not remiss enough to buy. Chris, from San Francisco, bought a bamboo cow bell for a souvenier--it was a simple design and would make a good wind-chime. She hiked at the back of the group so we could hear when the stragglers were straggling too far behind.

Elephant riding and bamboo rafting was also part of the tour. I was really looking forward to the elephant ride, as the last time I'd been on one at Ren Faire in PA was really fun. Unfortunately, our driver was not very kind. He kept wacking our elephant on the head with his driving stick and was not patient. It ruined the experience for me. I pretty much wanted to flee Thailand and crawl into someone's familiar arms back home. The other drivers seemed kind, and 3000 of Thailand's last 4000 elephants are working (tourism and logging are their main jobs, I think). I cannot help but wonder if the working elephants' lives are worth it, carting farang around in a one-hour loop for half the day every day? Seems a sad existence for such a noble species.

I am greatful they took us directly to bamboo rafting, as splashing down the river on 30' long bamboo rafts tied together with old bicycle tires lifted my spirits considerably. It's low season, so the river was about 6 inches deep in many places and we nearly got hung up on many rocks. Our guide was very skilled and navigated us safely past all obstacles, including many "crocodiles" (as in: Look out, crocodile! and then they would hit the water with their navigation poles and splash us). We finished the river soaked, and begging to go again. But alas, the adventure was finished and it was time to head home.

My body tensed gradually on the drive back to the city--only then did I notice how relaxed I had been. The pain in my lower back was gone for 3 days! I hope Laos is more like this. I head there in two days.

I also got to stand on the highest point in Thailand: Doi Inthanon. I'll update the exact elevation later, but it's something like 8000' (pretty much the same as where I was living in Utah). There were a couple beautiful waterfalls on the way up. I had hoped to hike up to it, but it's a 2 hour drive out side Chiang Mai and the taxi was almost the same price as the day tour, so I just drove to the top like everyone else. So much for the sense of accomplishment. My cartwheel at the top was just as fun, though. pix to be uploaded soon.

Scout day in the park?

2006-01-24T05:14:00.000-08:00

Entered the Sukhothai historical park today via a convenient hole in the fence where no one was watching and meandered for 3.5 miles among the temple ruins and tropical trees. A beautiful day. One temple struck me especially: Wat Si Sawai. Crossing the threshold gate in the 5'6" tall, 4' thick stone wall was like I always imagined entering the secret garden would feel like. A strong sense of peace and serenity was held there. About 20-30 dragon flies danced around the entrance and the north-west corner of the outer wall. The Wat itself had 3 adjacent corn-cob shaped structures (called stuppas, I think?) about 30-40 feet tall, decorated with dragons and buddhas and ornate carvings. They were accessed from a courtyard containing an alter to the south and protected by a dry moat to the north (the gate I entered through). Due to the artifacts found there, experts believe it was a holy site for the Brahman religion before it became a buddhist temple. Reminiscent of the Roman temples to Zeus and Athena rebuilt into Catholic Cathedrals. The parallels facinate me.

There were also several groups of boys (early teens?) dressed in brown scout-type uniforms, some with maroon berrets. I'm not sure if this was a boy-scout event, or some ROTC-style army-prep program? They were parading around from site to site doing calesthenics, wading across the canals (waist-deep!), working on papers together, and listening to troop leader lectures. It was kinda fun to watch. They even had a live band playing--they weren't that good, but it was my first live music since kirtan before I left, so as a beggar, I wasn't choosy.

No wonder I'm tired...

2006-01-24T05:01:00.000-08:00

I just looked it up, and I have already traveled 1500 miles since arriving in Bangkok 11 days ago, plus the 5,700 mile flight and a 600 mile drive from Utah to LA. I've traveled almost 8,000 miles in 2 weeks. crikey, for a person used to traveling by bike or on foot more than anything else, this is intense!

Heart-walk in Sukhothai

2006-01-23T05:56:00.000-08:00

I arrived in Sukhothai around 2PM today, feeling pretty wiped from the long journey and the heat. I checked into my hostel (Vitoon Guest House), and layed on my king-size bed and tried to decide what to do with myself during the last few hours of daylight. My muddled brain was not able to come up with much, but I eventually decided to leave the white-washed concrete box that held my king-size bed and go for a walk where-ever my heart guided me.

I started out in search of a stamp for a postcard I've been trying to mail for about 4 days now with no success. 7-11 has only local stamps (7-11s are everywhere in Thailand. Even more ubiquitous than McDonnald's), so after asking at 3 places, I abandoned this mission. I noticed I was walking out of town, but decided I didn't care and took a right down a road with a sign that said National Park, 30km. Now I was not up for a 60km walk, but felt guided to follow this road anyway.

I found several low-middle class Thai homes with families playing in the front yard. Most returned my cautious smile and quiet Thai greeting. I also saw a resort and wandered in to check prices for fun. 1000-5000 Bhat! phew...that's about US$30-130. Quite the well-to-do property, though. Gorgeous landscaping, huge koi pond in front, beautiful floating flower arrangements, stunning furniture. The works. Well, I just smiled and wandered back out the way I came and continued down my little road.

A little further, I came to the Orchid and Hibiscus Resort and turned down their side road. Similarly landscaped and decorated, and this one had a pool! I did not bother checking thier prices. Just walked on and befriended a couple street dalmations. Have you ever seen a dalmation with brown spots? I thought she was beautiful.

Walking on, my heart took me down a side path away from the road and drew me to a beautiful little creek, where I rested for about 10 minutes and observed the ecology. Fish and birds preyed on insects. Water plants covered about 80% of the still water's surface area. There was even a patch of about 100 4-leaf clovers! I thought that was a good omen. What a blessing to be able to follow my heart in such a place. :)

My energy has been waning, but the 3.5 mile walk and the decision to fast for the evening helped a lot. I wonder if this is just my natural energy cycle, same as at home? Or if it is because I ate quite a few wheat and cheese crackers yesterday? My digestive system is much happier on the rice-based diet here, though I do not yet know how to say "vegetarian" in Thai...I still fight my tendency towards gluttony. I feel sooooo hungry! Even right after I have eaten and my body is stuffed...what am I hungry for? argh.

The night market cheered me considerably, though. They have pastries the french would be proud of in Sukhothai. I did not taste any, but the cakes and tiny sweets were ornately decorated and looked delicious! Various other stalls sold fried fish, waffles, raw meat, and fried insects! I did not try these either, but my curiousity was peaked. Fruits and vegetable stands vyied for customers and shoes and teeshirts and cheap jewelery filled out the back. I bought some fruit I don't know the name of and haven't tasted yet (I hope it's fruit), and some bananas from a woman with a big smile. 25 Bhat, she said. 20, maybe? I replied. 25, 25...I motion to take a few fruits out of the bag and she laughs...20, ok...Welcome to Thailand, in soft-spoken english. My spirits lifted through the laughter we shared, I am greatful to be here and to remember why I came...

Thai massage

2006-01-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

I sadly report my first massage experience in Thailand was a bit disappointing. I wanted the 1 hour Thai massage and herbal compress treatment, but the women at the hostel said aromatherapy would be better...aroma, aroma, very relaxing! Well, I decided to trust their judgement since it was the same price and I figured I don't really know any better. It was alright, and the aromatherapy oils felt nice on my skin, but my lower back was (and is--has been since about 2 weeks before I left!) really tight and she did not succeed in releasing it. Well, for 300 Bhat (about $9), I would say I got my money's worth. If it had been $60 (what I normally paid for massage at home), I would have been bummed. Thai massage can be had for about 150 Bhat/hour, though. I think I'll try that next time.

Cursed?

2006-01-22T04:49:00.000-08:00

So it was an interesting day today...you know, the sort of interesting where you wind up on the side of a busy road in 90+ degree heat "fixing" your rented bicycle's chain (for the 4th time...) with duct tape that will barely stick to itself because of the heat and humidity...what I wouldn't give for some wire! Then I scrounged some and that repair lasted a bit longer...Almost got me back to my hostel. oh well, perhaps I wasn't meant to see Ayutthaya's outlying Wats this trip.

I also renamed my photo folders when I downloaded them. I thought this would make it easier to put them online, but apparently it makes them unreadable to my camera. When I first saw my camera unable to display my old photos, I thought they were gone and I wanted to cry...Since the memory space is still taken up, though, I think they are still there. Perhaps I will check and upload some more shots tomorrow.

Then in the process of removing my card reader, I may have accidentally ejected their external hard-drive and I think I messed up their internet connection somehow. I have decided I should try not to touch anything else today.

Photos up!

2006-01-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

Check out a couple pix at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mareinthailand/ but it was very slow to load, and I have limited space, so I may not go with this site...it's a taste, anyway.

My main photo site is http://photos.yahoo.com/marabeth_m42 where I have unlimited storage, but no captioning...there's 155 photos there now chronicling my departure from LAX, my two days in Bangkok, 5 in Krabi, and 2 in Ayutthaya.

Ayutthaya, former capital of Thailand (formerly known as Siam)

2006-01-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ayutthaya is beautiful. Temple ruins, history, and a tremendous sense of what should be kept sacred in this world abound. The area has a smaller town feel (compared to Bangkok, at least) with city ammenities. People are friendly in the markets and two locals stopped jogging in the park to chat with me for a bit yesterday evening. There are way fewer white tourists, many schools, and I could actually see myself living here for a while. The women that run my hotel here are very kind--they bought me lunch and dinner yesterday, and I plan to rent bicycles from one of them today and see the sights outside the city center where I walked all over yesterday. Tonight I get my first Thai massage (1 hour for $6!). I'll let you know how it goes.

Weather report: yesterday's high was 95...low 70, 70% humidity (just in case those of you at more northern lattitudes needed another reason to wish you were here...I send you some warmth vicariously). Today should be a bit cooler...93 is the forcast high for today. ;) I wrote a little hiku about the heat:

Too hot to hurry
Tiny grasshopper walks slow
No flying today.

The heat moderates the rhythm of this place. Walking is only comfortable if you are mindful of your speed. It is very conducive to internal reflection. I still struggle to sit quietly and meditate alone (left my holosynch CD at home). When I acknowledge the difficulty of sitting with my emptyness, it dissolves and the sitting becomes easier. Resistance is futile! lol...

Train rides, shanty towns, and loneliness

2006-01-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

Today I took my first 3rd class train ride in Thailand. Getting on at the beginning of the line means I got a seat, which is apparently a 3rd class luxury. Windows down for circulation, my neighbor says she's cold(!). I barely remember the sensation.

The train's gentle rocking and rhythmic clackety-clack soothes me. I remember a time when Amtrak bored me, but my travels in Europe in 2003 kindled a love of trains that burns still today. Something about them is conducive to reflection. I imagine, though, that the roar of the smoggy diesel engines is not so pleasant for Bangkok's third class citizens in their corruguated steel shacks lining the tracks, some literally 10 feet from the car as I roll by.

Mangy dogs wander the dirt yards and streets and lounge on the tracks (I see now why rabies was sometimes recommended by WHO), garbage burns in piles beside each family's little coal or wood fired cook stove. Interspersed among the shanty-towns, new brick tract homes and apartments are springing up. Which is the weed?

Entrepeneurs are everywhere with food carts and price-negotiable tuk-tuk or taxi rides. The thai people I have met seem to work very hard. Many work 7 days a week from sun-up to sun-down, perhaps with a nap in the middle. Could I hack it if that were my place in life? I have trouble with 40 hours/week back home...

Home. I miss Utah. I miss AA in Bicknell and my field staff friends and kirtan and meditation and salons and the beautiful red rocks and the sage and juniper of the desert. There are no coyotes here. I miss the community and connections I made in Utah. I struggle with this emotion, because I feel it does not serve me right now. Home is where my heart is, and my heart is right here with me, always. I am here, on this train, writing this reflection...Thailand is my reality right now. Yet my soul is tired of traveling alone.

No pen and paper, my love?
Write poetry with your body.
Lost your voice?
Sing to me with your eyes.
This place, this place! you cry.
A mirror of your soul.

Leaving the beach :(

2006-01-19T22:29:00.000-08:00

My first pair of traveling buddies left Hotel Andaman yesterday and I am sad. I know this is part of traveling, and it will happen to me a million times on this journey, but the parting is always bittersweet. I am now leaving in about an hour for an over-night bus through Bangkok to Ayutthya(?). I am sure I will miss the ocean, yet I also feel ready to leave. My boatman friend did not come to say goodbye, but I suppose everything is for a reason.

There were many more happy and enlightening experiences in the past two beautiful days on Krabi's beaches, but I am not up to writing them right now. Perhaps my next blog will be written in better spirits. Everything cycles and I know this too shall pass.

Krabi, my little piece of paradise

2006-01-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have now spent two days in Krabi, at the Andaman Inn. I have a little two bed hut to myself: wood floors, thatched roof, asian toilet, non-heated shower, and a porch overlooking the ocean. Coconut palms and other trees I can't yet name line the shore and cicadas (I think...some very loud insect) sing me to sleep every evening and wake me in the morning. I'm not sure what I want more: to sit and relax and enjoy, to run and swim and sing and scream, to talk to the other guests, eat, write, pray, play with the owner's kids...it's all so tantalizing. I am trying to do each in turn. Today, I took my first motor-bike "taxi" ride. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet and full gear is something I never thought I would do, but oh well. I am safe and it was way cheaper than going by regular taxi. When in Rome...you know the story.

I climbed 1273 steps to a giant buddha at Wat (I forget the name...). It was an awesome opportunity to practice mindfulness and pray. The view from the top was a bit hazy, but gorgeous and well worth the climb.

I have had so many amazing experiences already, and even written some poetry (which for me is a welcome return)...like before leaving Bangkok, I saw a free international children's film festival at Lumpini park, and the Emerald Buddha in Thailand's most famous monastary (Wat Phra Kow, I think) was beautiful...reminded me a TON of the cistine chappel in Rome. It interests me how people so far removed geographically honor their divinity similarly. I also observed Thai children peddling Buddhist flower offerings amongst Bangkok's traffic under the watchful eyes of their father. Reminded me of the hispanic children in the streets of LA with their rose bouquets and oranges, parents watching, but children working. I wonder if the parents watch for safety or for sales...perhaps both? Who am I to assume...

It feels nice to be a single woman traveling alone... I often feel like a walking dollar sign, but if that is how I feel, how can I expect to be treated any other way? Thailand is the land of smiles, it's true. Most Thai people will return a kind-hearted smile, and usually it feels genuine. My cynical, jaded side wonders if the smiles are for sales, though.

I have befriended a boat driver and I hope he understands the difference between friend and girlfriend...I say "only friend, only friend." He say "okay, okay, darling. I wait for you. 10 year." oy... For some reason (perhaps because I experienced similar attentions in France and Italy), I am more relaxed about the whole scene here...or perhaps because I leave in a few days and know he is staying...

Welcome to Bangkok!

2006-01-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

I have arrived! The flight was uneventful...Japan Airlines' version of vegetarian asian food is bland instant rice with over cooked veggies and something like a curry sauce...odd. Stepping off the plane (which was a double-decker 747! very exciting), exhaust fumes and the strange, sticky humidity of tropical midnight wrapped me in a blanket, welcoming me to this land so very far removed from Loa, UT.

I am trying to be thrifty, as I have been and am choosing to continue to be unemployed, and thought I would take the train to my hostel (I missed the last bus), but it wasn't going to come for another 1.5 hours, so I negotiated myself a taxi ride (teehee, bargaining...). Getting in, I noticed there were no seatbelt buckels..this didn't bother me too much since the driver wasn't wearing his either...however, less than 10 minutes into the journey, we saw a very nice, new looking black car flipped over in the left lane, sitting on its roof! The occupants were still climbing out as we drove by. Looked like everyone was ok, but I decided to tie the center belt to the shoulder belt as a makeshift safety restraint. After several seemingly random turns down tiny shop-lined alleys and wider taxi-clogged thoroughfares (not to mention the park full of prostitutes looking for customers), we arrived where my directions said my hostel was supposed to be...no such luck. The driver was exceedingly kind for 1AM, stopping for directions multiple times. Finally, I just figured we had passed it and would follow the walking directions from the train station if he would just please let me out there. He agreed, I paid my $9 fare and low and behold, the hostel was exactly where it was supposed to be, less than a block's walk away. :)

I am glad for the few days' transition I had in Los Angeles...the traffic there is a billion times worse than Loa, and it doesn't hold a candle to the roads in Bangkok! I feel like I'm in a crowded warm-up ring at a horse show, times 10! Judicious use of the horn and a calming hand-wave seem all it takes to claim right-of-way. I noticed there is also a subtle hierarchy among the regular cars, tuk-tuk taxis, and motorbikes...driving into on-coming traffic is common-place and getting cut-off by a vehicle higher in the traffic caste system seems acceptable--perhaps even expected. Some times I begrudge my taxi fares, but I feel blessed not to have to drive here.

I've seen a few of the more famous buddhas, rode on a water taxi, got my first Thai meal (pad thai, for free at a school event of some sort!) and took a couple tuk tuk rides. My eyes are burning from the smog and I am ready to hit the beaches. Tomorrow night, I take an over-night bus to Krabi and hopefully will get to check out some islands and go SWIMMING!!! As I believe I was a dolphin in a past life, I am very much looking forward to this.

When I get tired of lounging on the beach, I will head north to Chang Mai via Ayutthaya(sp?) and Sukothai, both former centers of Thailand, go for a trek to see some hill tribes and ride on elephants(!), then over to Laos, Vietnam, and Cambodia for unspecified lengths of time...when this is done, I have teaching or WWOOF-organic farming or monastery living to check out.

Twas the night before departure...

2006-01-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, my dad and I went to Thai Basil for lunch and had a great visit (especially considering it was the first time we had seen each other in about 9+ months), and my fortune cookie offered this omen: "You will enjoy a trip to the orient." My jaw dropped, heart skipped a beat, breath caught in my throat and I bust out laughing almost in tears...If your ego doubts the universe will take care of you, consult a fortune cookie!

My to do list is almost all crossed off and I am packed for this tremendous journey. Off to Thailand for about 6 months. Prayers for protection, guidance, well-being, and courage are welcome from all denominations! I promise they will be returned!