More Vipassana story details

I arrived in Bangkok the night before the course after a 13 hour bus journey from Siem Reap, Cambodia (a 9 hour drive and a 4 hour wait at the boarder for the bus from Phenom Penh...grrrr) and stayed on the internet till 3AM (it was free, man!), then got up at 6:30 to take care of all my city business (more email, mailing a package home, breakfast...) before muddling my way through Bangkok's public bus system to the retreat center.

My first impression of the center was wonderful! set about a half-km from the main road, surrounded by rice fields and home-gardens, the place was pretty quiet and very green--trees and grasses and a lotus pond landscaped the grounds. The bulidings were simple, mostly white structures circa 1970's style arcitecture. Women's quarters on one side, men's on the other and a central walk-way connecting the dining hall and the beautiful meditation hall topped with a golden stuppa. Upon arrival and check in, I forked over my valuables, all "bodily decoration" ie jewelery, camera, journal, and all reading materials. No contact with the outside world for 10 days (they looked at me with shock when I said I didn't have a cell phone...I thought this was funny). I filled out the application form--a physical, emotional, and psychological evaluation, which I answered mostly honestly--and was shown to my residential quarters by a very kind smiling dhamma worker that spoke pretty good english.

My living space for the next 10 days was a simple Thai twin matress (about 2" of dense foam) on a white-washed wooden platform, a small desk and stool, and about another twin bed's worth of floor space covered with cracked light blue tiles. Over the desk was a window over the laundry area where I could glimpse the tree-shaded grounds from a certain angle. I returned to the mini hall for english orientation, where the rules we had read and agreed to were re-iterated: Vipassana requires new students to adopt 5 of the 8 Buddhist precepts of morality: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no consuming intoxicants, and no sexual misconduct (so basically the way I already live...). Old students (those who have completed at least one course) must also forgo high and luxurious beds, eat nothing after noon each day (the rest of us could have some fruit and bread/jam), and no bodily decoration. The sexes were segregated from registration until breakfast on the last day, and we were prohibited from speaking to one another, no eye contact, and no physical contact. We could ask the teacher questions about the technique during two interview periods each day, and we could ask the dhamma workers questions about our physical needs (more toilet paper, reporting something broken in the room...) and that was it.

Post orientation was our last dinner for the next ten days: some tastey pad-see-ew (fried rice noodles about an inch wide with vegetables and tofu), fruit, peanuts, and an assortment of teas, coffee, soy-milk, or hot chocolate. Bread and cookies were also always available, but I tried not to partake of them. I went to rest in my room for a few hours before the first sit of the retreat. I accidentally fell asleep and was late to the first evening's sit--everyone was lined up and waiting for me to enter the pagoda. I was a bit embarrassed, but oh well.

The technique begins with anapana meditation: focusing your attention solely on the breath with no mantra. Staying totally present. This nearly drove me insane (or brought out my insanity?). I felt like the child of my ego has years of experience playing contentedly with the toy of my past memories and future plans, but I took them away and told the child to sit still and be quiet with nothing to do for 10 hours a day every day. My ego did not like this. It kept throwing emotional tantrums, or sneaking off with my consciousness to think about past regrets or future plans (I have many of both, though increasingly more of the latter). My body ached in ways I did not realize were possible the first two days...by the third day, I was nearly recovered from my journey from Cambodia and my body was growing accustomed to sitting 10 hours a day, but I was still having tremendous difficulty keeping my mind focused for more than 30 seconds at a time without then wandering off for 15-20 minutes. I felt like a meditation failure and did not know if I could stick it out the whole 10 days. But I hung on because I'd made the commitment.

I'm glad I did, because at the end of day 3, the teacher, Goenka, tells you during the evening DVD discourse that struggling on day 2 is totally normal. Many people pack up and leave on day two, and it's not until day 4 that we actually start learning Vipassana. The first 3 days are like digging and laying the mental foundation for the Vipassana technique. I wish they'd told us this BEFORE day 2! (tho maybe they did while I was asleep?? oops)

Once the mind is in a fairly calm state, Vipassana teaches you to pass your attention over the entire body part by part and notice where sensations come up. As you process the sensations present in your body, old emotional reactions come up and you are able to remain consciously equanimous and dis-empower them. The idea is to bring your conscious mind down to the deeper awareness level of your sub-conscious mind and break the emotional reaction chain to liberate the self and the soul from suffering.

I had a lot of heat sensations come up as I sweated out stored up anger...Also some persistent tingling and pain in my right hip and knee--I haven't yet figured out what this means, but I just try to be present with it. During the 6 days of serious Vipassana practice (day 10 is more relaxed--like an integration day so return to regular life is eased), I had a few moments of free-flow through-out the body and got a taste of the impermenance of the body. The strong tingling sensation that rushes through me in waves when I feel present in the Utah desert or the mountains of California only came up once or twice, which surprised me. I expected to experience it more, but I guess that's what I get for having expectations.

Finally, the last day we learned to close our Vipassana sessions with a few minutes of Meta meditation where you pray that all beings may be free from suffering, full of peace and happiness and love, and share in my love and peace and harmony and merits. There is a lot more to it, but we were specifically cautioned against teaching the technique and told only to give general descriptions, share our personal experience (many many benefits! less emotional reactions, increased general calm and peace with my place in the world and the reality of my life...), and encourage people to sit a course if we so desire (and I highly recommend a course to everyone! www.dhamma.org is a great resource for Vipassana taught by SN Goenka)--incomplete instruction may confuse folks and the theory of the technique is meaningless without practice. Continuing the practice, we are supposed to meditate one hour each morning and one hour each evening without fail. Plus reviewing the body's sensations the last 5 minutes before sleep and the first 5 minutes after awakening (and whenever else during the day that you can...constant practice is key to success of the technique). There is also no specific posture, except it's better if the spine is straight and you should sit as still as possible for the full hour. Also, try to get together with other Vipassana meditators at least once per week to share energy and practice together.

I gained a lot of respect for the kids at Aspen (the ranch, especially)--watching my own mind in this intense emotional processing setting I learned a lot about myself. I also found myself sneaking peeks at the men's side of the retreat center--not because I was particularly interested; mostly because I was not supposed to. And also when I sat on the side of the dining hall that looked out on the street, I felt a longing to run...I had no where better to be, but the closed gate and easy street access were so tempting as an escape from my mental anguish the first few days. I soon learned to sit facing the other way until my process progressed a bit. I could again sit wherever I wanted by about day 5 or 6 without discomfort or longing to be elsewhere. Quite an experience.

The teacher, SN Goenka, is from Bhurma and grew up in an afluent family and became a successful businessman before discovering a vipassana meditation teacher and starting on the path himself. He's a very funny guy, though I hear a bit of ego in him yet at times during his teachings. I believe he now lives in India and still teaches the longer courses (30-45 days) and oversees the establishment of new centers all over the world. His wisdom is presented in DVD format one hour each night and supplemented by a human assistant teacher (a woman! I thought that was cool) that oversaw most of our meditation sessions and played Goenka's voice (interspersed with Thai translations) via audio tape to give technique instructions and chant in Pali several times a day.

I feel like my path--for this journey and the rest of my life--is laid before me like a dense spiderweb covering the entire earth; a tremendous array of possible options of which I have to choose one way at each junction. At one time, this perspective completely overwhelmed me. Now I see, it just is.