Settling in, the doubts begin

Ordained life is beginning to settle into a routine for me. Up at 4am, chanting 4:30-5:45, breakfast (small bowl of rice soup or noodles) at 6, sweeping (Thai leaves are never-ending!!) 7-8:30, meditation 9-11, lunch 11-12 (usually brown or white rice with 2 or 3 buffet-served dishes for vegetarians and 2 or 3 dishes for carnivores, plus fruit or a sweet thai dessert like mango with sticky rice or mung beans in sweet sauce or some unidentifiable green noodley things in coconut milk or corn and coconut milk...pretty much anything passes for dessert in this country if you mix it with enough coconut milk and sugar!), free time from noon till evening chanting at 6:30pm (I often overeat and fall asleep in the afternoons...big no-no! or I meditate 2-3 hours and study thai 1-2 hours (I can read and write half the 44 thai consonants so far) and talk with my fellow nuns or do some dhamma reading or journaling the rest of the time--this is also my time for personal shopping and e-mail/internet), then formal walking/sitting meditation practice after chanting from 8-11pm and in bed between 11:30 and midnight. I try also to sneak in some yoga in the mornings or evenings, but my strong commitment to an hour a day has certainly long-since gone by the wayside.

Now and then it dawns on me that This is my life! I am not having an exotic south-east asian vacation experience for a little while with the intent to return to "real life" in the states in a few months...I have moved to a Thai temple and I live as a nun! I shave my head every month and wear long sleeves, an ankle length sarong skirt, and a white robe, regardless of the heat...This temple is my whole universe until further notice (till April '08, I think). Limited travel is allowed with permission from the abbot, but it's a distraction from the practice to run here and there looking for satisfaction outside the self so my teacher advised me to stay put as much as possible. My physical needs are all met by the generosity of this community. I participate as best I can. This is my life! wow...

Doubts have begun to arise, though: I feel pretty blasphemous during a lot of the ceremonies...I don't really care about walking 3 times clockwise barefoot around a concrete statue in order to offer flowers, candles, and incense 4 times a month (on the new, full, and both half-moons for Wan Phra--Monk Day). Nor does it interest me to worship a chunk of matter they claim is a piece of the right side of the Buddha's skull he supposedly prophesized would come to rest at this temple...I came here to study the truth of the Dhamma in my own body-mind through intense practice. I have found myself floundering, trying to asimilate into a sticky social order akin to high school clique politics...managing for the most part to get my needs met without being too horribly selfish. Seeing the selfish tendencies I thought I had outgrown...Once again, wherever I go, here I am!

I feel like when I left Thailand last time, I had nearly graduated from meditation elementary school, and now I have returned hoping to complete my doctoral thesis in a year or so! No wonder this is a painful process...well, slog on I do and learn a lot I am. All conditioned things arise to pass away. There is No Thing in this world/life worth grasping at or clinging to (No Thing can possibly be grasped, in fact!). In the past, this knowledge lead me to a defeatist view of "What's the point???" I am still working on developing the conditions for wisdom: purifying virtue (8 precepts: no killing (not even mosquitos!), no stealing, no sex (celebacy of the body and mind!), no lying, no intoxicants, no eating between noon and 6am (the toughest for me...), no dancing-singing-beautification, and no sleeping on high and luxurious beds/seats) and developing concentration through walking and sitting meditation practice and constant acknowledging (typing, typing, typing...hearing hearing hearing as traffic rolls by...seeing seeing seeing the shiny gold-covered chedi and life-size portrait of the king across the street...). These two together--virtue and concentration--allow wisdom to unfold automatically. There is supposedly peace above this suffering from which no one is immune. Enlightened beings do live and breathe in this country, so I know this path can eventually lead to unshakable peace.

I had a taste of it yesterday. During morning sweeping, The angry, dissatisfied voice in my head (she's been very vocal lately!) that tries to convince me to quit everything was coniving to get me to stop sweeping and go back to my room to rest. I resisted...just sweep a little more. swish swish goes the 5' leaf broom with 2' long thin sticks for bristles. more decrying. more resisting, acknowledge: hearing hearing hearing. just sweep a little more. after only a few rounds of this, I began to sense this slight separation between a bigger knowing, observing Mind just watching the whining, suffering emotional body below. I was able to finish about 20 minutes more sweeping without suffering! The whining continued, but it was like "I" didn't care anymore. Or perhaps "I" was whining/my ego was dying and God didn't care anymore? I guess this is what my teacher means when he constantly tells me to just acknowledge--be the observer, not the sufferer. It is possible!

I feel sad a lot these days. Sad, angry, greedy...missing home, missing friends, missing family...wanting to eat a lot to self-medicate. knowing this does not help. Knowing I feel really good when I leave my body empty in the evening and use that stillness as my digestion rests to burn up defilements and develop stillness in the mind. Not yet understanding why this Knowing is often not enough to help me make right choices...old addictive habits are so hard to break. The 12 steps of AA have been on my mind lately, and the fact that I worked steps 1-3 (I'm powerless over my addiction and my life is unmanageable, I realize a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, and I've made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him), balked at step 4 (a searching and fearless moral inventory--yikes! who wants to do one of those!?!?), and now sit with myself and God doing intense Step 11 work (sought through prayer and meditation to improve contact with my higher power) without 4-10! (moral inventory, admitting my flaws to myself another person and God, making ammends where possible...I forget the rest of the steps) Any advice/comiseration is welcome! ;)

I love everyone and hope all are well!I suppose this has been a lot of complaigning...I'm in a rough space (it comes and goes, but for this journey and from this place on my path, it seems easier to make the time to write to ask for help and share difficulty rather than sending home rainbows and roses...). Wanted everyone to know I am still alive, got my 90 day non-immigrant visa which I should be extending to a year within the next month or so, and still doing my best to walk on this path back to God/Truth. Seems to me its the only path that matters.

Blessings in Dhamma!Maechee Mare :)

PS- I got this forward from a sweet spirit-friend on a day when I was very troubled by visa issues and deeper doubts...it was a comfort to me and I've been meaning to pass it on:

SPECIAL MESSAGE
GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOUEverything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they willnot" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surelyachieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperitywill be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne hasremembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless theperson reading this message".. God smiled and answered... Request granted.
If you believe this message, send it to seven persons and the one who sent it to you.By doing this you have succeeded in praying for eight people today.