Toxic river of consciousness

Still living the monastic life, still periodically drowning in doubt and suffering, which are both states I am used to...sortof what I came here to come out of. The meditation practice is helping a lot (the last 3 days I've hardly practiced and my issues have come screaming to the surface...lol), but I am still holding onto some spiritual beliefs that 180 degrees contradict what theravadan buddhism teaches, so no wonder I'm suffering...I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream in a torrential flood--a muddy river carrying all sorts of pollution: regrets, worries, past arguments, things left unsaid that should have been said, things said that should not have been said, bad stupid movies that wasted my time, lots and lots of televions from my past go floating by...I'm barely staying put in this current trying to carry me away from the source, but I'll make it. At least my efforts are keeping me from backsliding and I'm getting stronger...