Wan Phra remembrances; grattitude to teachers

Judging by the moon, looks like yesterday was Wan Phra lek--a buddhist holy day celebrating the quarter moon. I fed my friend's horses dinner and walked across her backyard in the moonlight with a touch of nostalgia. Missing the flowers, candles, and incense I would have offered to the Buddha in the land I called home just two weeks ago. I remember my teachers with deep grattitude as I transition back to "regular" sociaty. The Abbot's 84th birthday is tomorrow--many happy returns to Ajan! I hope the festivities run smoothly as thousands of monks, nuns, and lay people from all over Thailand come to pay respect to him. I am not there to help, but I offer him the growth in my heart and progress in the purification of the mind in place of my physical presence. Much as I struggled, I am grateful for the blessing that he took me in for those 7+ months.

I am also grateful to be home. Returning to the states, the first few days were strictly survival-mode as I caught up from 11 hours of cumulative sleep in the previous 6 days. I felt relatively functional except for one day--a much quicker recovery than my last return from Thailand, where I was mentally infused with molassas for about a week! After this recovery period, I reveled in "freedom" as the 6th and 7th precepts went out the window. Nothing too crazy, just singing to myself without guilt and eating dinner again coupled with frequent grazing in over-stocked American snack-drawers, panteries, and enormous refridgerators. ;) I had some concerns what friends would think of me returning home 30 pounds lighter than when I left, but looks like that's not going to be an issue anymore. d'oh.

I'm still acknowledging some and walking and sitting about 20-30 minutes a day. Keeping 5 precepts pretty well. I do occassionally miss the simple robes and the alms rounds, meditating full time and participating in the quirky temple community. I also feel happy to be back amongst friends and family. I think I made the right decision to come home. We shall see what hindsight reveals as I continue down the path. I'm wanting to do another 10 day meditation course, but I think I should get back to the Utah desert first. I think it would help. I still don't see the "point" of existance in this body-mind. I still itch to get moving (probably heading to central america with some friends in November--Costa Rica, maybe Honduras, and Guatamala). I still long to see a deeper truth.

Malls I do not miss. My friend and I went to a mall to buy her 5 year old son a birthday present. That was sensory overload...The terrible piped music, the garish contrasting colors, the salespeople waiting like sharks for unguarded passersby...yikes. The worst of it was eating "lunch" in the "food" court--an island of tables and chairs surrounded by about 20 fastfood chain restaurants. I got a falafal gyro and my friend bought her kids corndogs. We ate our meal surrounded by a group of disabled adults apparently on a field trip and numerous young couples with strangely colored hair and piercings all over their faces. Grossly overweight American zombie-consumers abounded and fear began to well up... I tried to acknowledge seeing seeing seeing, hearing hearing hearing, feeling feeling feeling--bring my attention to the present moment and its transient nature, but it was overpowering. I couldn't stay in there long. I was so grateful for my first breath outside again. I miss the desert.

So I guess I'm still succeptible to my environment. Emotionally, I feel much the same as I did in Thailand. Much more stable than before I left. Much less overall anger. Still some sadness and fear. Still feeling a bit aimless and dissatisfied. Still walking the path. Trying to explain what the buddha taught to friends and their families (some of which have never heard of him before). I imagine the feelings of a Christian missionary in the remote lands of SE Asia as I bring home the message of liberation and the path to get there as I learned it in Thailand as taught by the Buddha so long ago.

I thank Phra Chai and Phra Noah for their teachings. They are a big part of my life-changing experience in Thailand and my time as a Buddhist Maechee. I am very grateful for all you've taught me so far and hope the lessons continue until I get it.

On the path to liberation, may you be well and happy and peaceful!
Thank you for your teachings to me and to all your students,
much as I complained and still have doubts, I am grateful for the positive change.
You are doing great work for the minds of this world.