I just finished my first advanced course--trippy experience. Everyday you get a new piece of paper with that day's assignment. You walk one hour and sit one hour in alternation for 8-12 hours per day with a resolution that a given meditation absorption will appear. The names of the absorptions ("xyz" yanna in Thai, "xyz" jana in Sanskrit, I think) are in Pali and my teacher did not tell me what each one meant until after I had worked on it for the day. Each evening, I would go report to the teacher and explain my experiences (suffering suffering suffering, craving craving craving, thinking thinking thinking, feeling sad, missing home, feeling joy!, losing my balance, trying to find a way out of this suffering, thinking of generosity and experiencing 5 minutes of bliss, spending most of the 8th day in equanimity...). Somehow, my body-mind knew what the absorptions meant and manifested the appropriate conditions anyway! SO WEIRD... when the yanna was about knowing suffering, boy did I suffer! when the yanna was about seeing the way out of suffering, I sure suffered more, but then it broke and I did! craving is suffering and generosity is the end of craving and clinging! not like I live this on a daily basis yet, but it was nice to see. The last exercise before determination (see below) is equanimity. I thought I had done something wrong because no particular conditions seemed to arise, but turns out that's exactly right! wow...
It worked out that my determination (48 hours of meditation with no sleep and minimal breaks (theoretically...I fell asleep for 6 hours the last night this time)) began on my 27th birthday. I thought it would be cool to meditate all day as a birthday experience, but mostly I spent my determination time obsessing about the fabulously delicious cheesecake I want to bake (4" thick, light and fluffy, with a home-made applesauce, oat, walnut crust...homemade cranberry topping...drool forms just thinking about it) and the two versions of "sin cake" I want to make (7 layers of rich chocolatey deliciousness...). Missing friends and family and the mountains and the desert and my bicycle and singing. GOD I WANT TO SING SO BADLY!!! "Dawn is rising in our souls" has been in my head predominantly. I have been skipping chanting while on the meditation course, so that's probably part of the problem... It's interesting why my mind has returned to these obsessions lately. It hasn't been thinking of food too much for the last 6 weeks or so. oh well, I guess I just watch.
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