Just had a dream (last night? or yesterday?) about hiking in the desert with Rob where we did our vision quest--the catalyst for this journey in SE Asia (and the deeper journey through the recesses of my unexplored heart). We encountered a mountain lion...she was in some brush up the canyon wall to the left of us. I spotted her, stopped and hushed Rob and pointed in awe. She lept from the wall and knocked me down, but it was only play wrestling and we tusseled in good fun for a few minutes. I was also aware of a black bear off in the distance across the creek keeping watch...after wrestling with this enormous cat as she clawlessly pawed at me and play bit my arms, legs, and face, I sat down with her to meditate next to the creek and she laid her head in my lap and I stroked her fur. She flicked her tail and Rob squatted in the background in awe. cool dream. Think I'm taming my fears here? ;)
Many of the nuns here love ordained life and are encouraging me not to disrobe. I've only been ordained 2 weeks and have a lot to learn about a lot of things, but I do like being a nun. Progress is good. I was really struggling Feb 2, but the pain broke and I'm feeling much more tranquil today. it's all aniccia. :) There are 1500 monks coming Thursday for a ceremony to change their titles/ranks. wow...that's a lot of orange fabric. lol...and a lot of mouths to feed! My duty is to help prepare and serve tea, coffee, and water to the monks during the day.
Side note, the abbot here is so awesome. He is so compassionate and kind and generous with his time. Our temple went to the funeral of a 101 year old monk the other day (he actually died 3 years ago! zoinks! funerals of major monks are often major fundraisers for the temple...this one was probably an arahant--an enlightened being. I think he was finally creamated yesterday, but I'm not sure...) and the Number 2 monk in thai buddhism (equivalent to the top cardinal under the pope, I think) came and paid respect to my teacher! wow...this same monk sits on a sheepskin rug for hours at a time hearing meditation reports and teaching Dhamma to anyone that comes to ask--even baby beginners like me! I feel so fortunate to be here. and so grateful to every link in the chain that has brought me to this point in my life--this geographic place, this open hearted spirit, this wounded but healing mind...it's funny, when you ask a buddhist what's important, they say "purifying the mind" and then point to their hearts!
Strange that spiritual growth is so scary, eh? It totally is...I think because it involves the realization that everything we've always held dear is an illusion, doesn't really matter in the long run, and has only arisen to pass away. How frustrating that there is No Thing to hold onto in this life. I'm coming to believe we are born to transcend ignorance and come home to God, who really will take care of us perfectly if we let go and allow it. The reality of this letting go is still a struggle to realize for me. I feel like I'm walking a line between taking the next step in letting go and trusting versus trying to grab on for dear life again...at least the life I knew. Funny--the way I was living brought me so much frustration and misery--why do I want to return? Ah, the black hole gravitational pull of the familiar...that's what running home would be. back to Ut, back on my bike and off to Colorado. well, that's years in the future, I think. no need to plan it yet. Love!
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