Time seems pretty irrelevant these days. One present moment unfolds out of the last, and so the days progress. I've been ordained over 5 months now and I feel my time as a nun is coming to a close (see my Belief-O-Matic results at the end of this email). My teacher said I have to ask the abbot's permission to disrobe and he's on bedrest to recover from eye surgery until July 15th, so I'm not sure when it will be possible to talk to him... I am feeling like I should be out of Thailand en route to Japan by July 14th! And I don't want to make plans to leave until I have permission to go...My teacher gave me a challenge to be as present as I can in the time I have left before I leave (hopefully this means he thinks I'll be able to go!). That was wise of him. I'm a rise to the challenge kind of girl, so I'm doing the best I can.
I'm back from the GORGEOUS forest monestary I visited last week (http://sanku.sirimangalo.org/gallery). The teacher there is a Canadian monk who's been ordained 5 years here. My intent in the visit was to learn from a western buddhist as a last-ditch effort to see if Therevada is right for me. He has an amazing unshakable faith in this technique (though he teaches it in exclusion of all other paths...I remain wary of any spiritual path that preaches it's the Only Way). Talking to him and practicing in that beautiful quiet environment (sooo different from Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong (http://watchomtong.sirimangalo.org/)) planted some good thought seeds and gave me some energy to continue to try, but I returned to my home temple with a strong resolve to disrobe and get out of this religion and this country, at least for a while. I told my teacher here at Wat Phradhat that I'm grateful for his patience, guidance, and the growth I've experienced here, but I just can't grasp some of the Therevadan teachings at this time. It's kinda funny...I've become more inclined towards the teachings of Christ (especially as revealed in A Course In Miracles) since I've been ordained as a Buddhist...
Some neat stuff has been coming up from the practice over the last few months I've been meaning to share: mental images coming up in the meditations beginning with an opening of the heart center. I get this felt-sense of warmth rising up through my whole body and often tingling all over. Then the heart opens and a brilliant white light shines out. The first time this happened, a series of about 20 winged-sufi hearts flew out in a line from my chest, circled around my room for a while, then flew off into the temple and the universe beyond. Another time, I saw a vision of a fat, sky-blue buddha, lauging and reclining among white clouds. This felt like a realization of my compassionate Buddha nature. He appeared in my meditations sporadically for 3 or 4 days, then one day about a week later the image sortof froze, became 2 dimentional, and began rotating. It looked like he went from an animated heavenly being to a cardboard painting. After a few revolutions, the edge of the "cardboard" image shrank to a point and *blip*, disappeared. I haven't seen him since. Frustrated a bit with the Therevadan Buddhist teachings, ya think? There have also more recently been images of Jesus's serene face appearing in the light from my open heart (either wearing the crown of thorns with blood dripping down his temples and into his eyes, or clean and long haired like the Sacred Heart portrait), teaching about universal love and compassion and unity. I cannot hear his voice, but it is my felt-sense that this is the teaching he is giving. While Jesus is talking, out of the sky-blue background, I see Gautama the Buddha sneak up on Jesus and whack him one on the back of the head with a 2'x4'! ouch!
What I'm feeling about Therevadan Buddhism is they pass on the Buddha's teaching of individual liberation from suffering through dispassion towards and disenchantment with this world. From what I've read outside the Therevadan tradition is that Buddha also taught a lot of loving-kindness, joy, and compassion for others that seems rather glossed over in what I've been taught here. I also acknowledge that I have felt a lot of suffering in this lifetime and have had to sit and look at that in this practice. Not such a comfortable task...so "my" perception of the teachings is colored by my own suffering as I go through the process. It seems to me that fear and duality is the cause of ego-attachment and human suffering. To go into the suffering and learn equanimity towards it may be one way to let go of suffering. But how about developing generosity and joy to the extent that attachment and suffering can no longer exist? I draw on the classic garden analogy: all beings contain seeds of love and fear. Love is truth, fear is from the illusion of lack and separation. We have a limited time in these bodies on this planet--shall we spend our efforts in spiritual growth on uprooting fear (as manifested in the Buddhist "defilements" of greed, anger, and the dillusional belief in self), or developing unconditional Love for all beings? The two endeavors can certainly unfold together, and if there are some really gnarly fear-weeds, I suppose they must be faced and removed (forgiven and released) before the soil is ready to support Love growth. But once the biggest fears have been faced, it seems to me energy spent cultivating Love is more fruitful than energy spent killing weeds. More fun, too!
I must admit, though, the practice of present moment awareness and vipassana meditation has given me some really beautiful insight. Today, I was acknowledging feelings of anger, sadness, and fear as I walked mindfully (right, left, right, left with each foot-fall) across the temple grounds to the kitchen for breakfast at 6AM, but I noticed I had a smile on my face! That's odd, I thought. I brought my attention to the felt-sense in my body and realized my torso felt pretty empty (there's been the sense of a smooth stone in my lower abdomen for a few days now as I argue for and against leaving and compare fears of obligations and disappointing others and myself, versus following what I believe to be divine guidance in the heart to move on...). The "emotions" I was acknowledging were what I expected to feel based on the circumstances I am in (feeling trapped by these robes and needing the abbot's permission for leaving the temple and being unable to travel alone because of my gender), not what I was actually feeling in the moment! I realigned to what was really there (relaxed, empty) and felt a measure of awe for the fruits of this technique "I" am trying so desperately to discount and run away from. Also while sweeping, it has come to me that changing bodies does not alleviate suffering any more than changing geography does. It's just a new environment to learn in. Might as well make the best of the learning available in the environment I'm in, instead of wasting this time wishing to be somewhere else...
On a more worldly note, I went to my first Thailand AA meeting in Chiang Mai yesterday--my 13 years sobriety from alcohol birthday is in a week and I had to be in town for my 90-day visa check in anyway (gotta go every 90 days and tell them I'm still a nun and still live at Wat Phradhat). Interesting. It was a room full of 40-50-60 something, mostly overweight white men and one other young (20-something?) white woman. Very different than our little Wayne County meeting in Utah. I attended in my ankle-length white robes, of course...with a shorn head and prayer beads around my neck, an open heart, serene countenance and gentle smile (it was a good day), I imagine I'm quite the sight at an AA meeting! When they invited me to share my story, the chairperson said We expect great wisdom from you! with a laugh. And I replied, Expectations'll lead you to disappointment every time! Another man said That's wisdom right there. lol. It was fun. I shared about how I'd been doing some experimental drinking from 12-14-ish and at about 14 my dad told me (tears beginning to roll down my cheeks...) that when you drink or use drugs to impare your consciousness, that's time you're not really alive, and you can't get that time back. That made a huge impression on me and I'm very grateful to for it. That conversation in the car on the way to a friend's house got me through college sober (a monumental feat, I think)...I shared how after this experimental drinking phase and that talk when I decided mind-altering substances would not have a place in my life, that I turned to food to dull the crushing emotional pain I didn't understand nor know how to cope with. After the meeting, one member told me they have Overeater's Anonymous Monday, Wednesday and Friday! I've never been to one of those. I imagine it will be pretty powerful to meet a fellowship of folks sharing my issue more directly. I hope to go in a few days if I can...
And for those who haven't seen the Belief-O-Matic, it's a pretty cool website for us seekers that would like a view of which religious belief system might offer the best guidance on our personal progression towards truth (or just feel like having a good laugh). This is part of why I want to disrobe and go to Japan to live on an organic farm in the mountains and check out Zen practice:
My Results:
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (98%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (89%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. Liberal Quakers (83%)
6. Scientology (81%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (78%)
8. New Thought (77%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (70%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (70%)
11. Taoism (70%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (69%)
13. Reform Judaism (65%)
14. Hinduism (65%)
15. Secular Humanism (57%)
16. Jainism (56%)
17. Bahแ'ํ Faith (53%)
18. Sikhism (51%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (39%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (36%)
23. Islam (35%)
24. Nontheist (31%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (23%)
27. Roman Catholic (23%)
(I was raised Roman Catholic...)
Much love to all beings! Be happy, be peaceful, be well! Maechee (for now) Mare :)
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