The Abbot's Dhamma

I talked to my abbot last night expecting to take about 5-15 minutes of his time...an hour and twenty minutes later, he was still patiently addressing my doubts and explaining the dhamma to me! Much of what he said made sense. To be careful not to run away from a Tiger into the mouth of a Crocodile (problems we do not stand and face just show up down the road in other forms) and I said I know, I've been doing that for years. He said Mara (the Buddhist personification of temptation) is whispering in my ear. I said I know. I said I would practice about it for a few more days and he said good. He did not give me permission to disrobe, but he also did not say I could not. He said Mahayana Buddhism will get me to the goal of liberation from this suffering body-mind, but it is a longer road.

I am beginning to see that the suffering I've been sitting with in this practice is not because there's something wrong with the practice, but because I have such a long history of thoughts and speech conducive to suffering (I hate my life, I don't want to be here anymore, etc...) and now I'm sitting and watching the kamma bear fruit. I feel though that these thoughts are born of fear and the opposite of fear is love. Cultivating loving kindness has been so powerful. I think more of that will go farther to balance and liberate this mind than continuing to sit in suffering until it eventually loses power over "me"..."me" IS suffering!! How does seeing that clearly help me to let go?? oy. what a task this spiritual journey is. Thank God for spirit, cuz otherwise none of this life makes any sense (and the Buddha denied the existance of spirit, as far as I can tell, though there are angels and heavenly rhelms, so...???)...