Stream reflections: Mind is like this...

I certainly misunderstand many things in this world. That's why I'm here!! lol... How to see clearly?

I was sitting this morning by a little river/storm drainage ditch that runs through the temple. I switched back and forth between closed eyed inner awareness and open eyed outer looking for an hour (would I give myself this time to reflect back home in the states?). I watched lights arise and pass away in the mind. Felt the abdomen rise and fall and the touch of hard concrete under my seatbones and ankles. Heard sounds of birds, doors, insects. Felt ants crawling under my robes (difficult to remain still and mindfull then)...I opened my eyes and saw light and shadow dance on the stream's surface ripples. Saw the brown murky water carrying silt particles and rotten leaves of various geometry, size, and stage of decay doing summersaults up to the surface and then passing back underneath the stream, out of sight. All things in the stream (including molecules of "water," just "hydrogen" and "oxygen" linked by energy--all energy forms themselves!) traveling along in the flow towards who knows where (a bigger river and ultimately the ocean...but out of my immediate sight). Flower petals and tiny leaves fall from the trees above and float lightly along the surface, rising and falling, rising and falling; rolling along above the wavelettes. What is it to see the stream?

I think to myself, mind is like this. Pure at the source, unseeable, unknowable except through the light it reflects, the shape of the channel it flows in, or the impurities it carries along the journey to the ocean. The Buddha's way teaches going against the current. Purify and return to the source. Rumi says let go and follow the stream to it's end, the ocean--also the source (for headwaters are only the surface appearance of rain, condensation of ocean water raised by the sun). It's all linked in the unending hydrological cycle. Is there really a way out? Is that really the goal anyway? Maybe this life really is just about letting go, loving all the other "water molecules," "silt particles," and "decaying leaves" in the stream with you, and enjoying the journey!

I wonder what it's like to be around me these days. Mostly, the women at this temple are not trustworthy, the monks are not to be associated with, and so I keep to myself. In spite of the 4th precept to abstain from harsh speech, gossip, lying, slander, etc, this is a human society and gossip is queen.

I've been laughing at myself a lot these last few days--it's been nice. :) The epic "struggle" to get out. Of these robes? of this sexist country? of this self-depreciating mind? of the habits that keep "me" rolling in suffering and chaos? My intent for this year is to disolve the ego and know the truth of this body-mind...This stage towards that goal is believing what I want out of is this body-mind and it's tortured terrestrial experience, which is ultimately only torturous because of conditioned habitual perceptions/reactions. (My teacher says as long as there is body and mind, there is suffering. But I don't understand--wasn't the Buddha and all the arahants that became enlightened before and after him free from suffering? Pain, certainly, but the whole point of walking this path towards insight is the end of suffering! But they still breathed and spoke and walked around in their bodies...how can that be true? Can't we choose not to react and therefor get free of suffering while still living in these bodies and minds?) Seeing my self-defeatest and doubting thought patterns arising again and again from who knows how many lifetimes back. Contemplating the possibilities if one chooses to see love and beauty instead of hate and fear. Mind creates the world. What if I let go of creating suffering? Just love and bless everything! Let go of everything. Perhaps it is enough to just sit alone and breathe. Maybe there does not need to be more than that...

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here on this planet again. I have the distinct sense I've been a Thai forest monk, but I left something undone. Or perhaps kept trying to end the cycle through doing instead of complete unequivocal surrender? Live love.

I look at the delivery truck driver that just pulled up at the shop next to the internet patio. I wonder what he would think of these musings? What energies his thoughts are devoted to...I hope it's a good thing we all live on different thought planets...