Monastic living: pros and cons

So I have a theory that Earth is a cosmic insane asylum. Temples in Thailand seem no exception... It's been very educational to watch my neighbors and the behaviors they choose day-to-day...and the results of those choices!

It's entirely possible leaving will leave a hole in my experience that I'm not anticipating...I think that depends a lot (entirely?) on the mindset I cultivate in the last of my time here. I have a lot of grattitude for all I've learned here, for my teacher's unending patience, for the support of this community that welcomed me as a foreigner and supports all my physical needs on a donation basis. I believe our experience in this life is energy. I believe the energy of the environment affects the energy of the body. It seems important in today's world to develop the power of the mind to guard our "selves" in whatever energy field/environment we find ourselves in. As far as choosing a place to live and a way to be in this world, I think it's easiest to feel love and joy in loving joyous places. I believe this is why the desert is such a healing place. The stillness and purity of the energy cycles of wild places...reminds us of who we are underneath the civilized, cultivated, often neurotic venier...Leaving this temple is just another step on a long journey home.

There are tremendous dangers in being an imposter of any sort, religious or otherwise! My intent in ordaining was 1) to get the visa to stay longer, 2) to deepen the meditation practice, and 3) to experience monastic living. I chucked organized religion in 4th grade when my Catholic elementary school principal told me humans are superior to other living beings because we have an immortal soul and they don't, specifically that my horse didn't have a soul. I said BS! I have never viewed humans as superior. Quite frankly, I think we've f'd things up for ourselves and all beings and the world would be better off without us and our cities, cars, airplanes (all of which I live in, use, and am grateful for!), shortcutting nature's cycles (ie storm drains and waste water treatment in most big cities shortcuts the water cycle), and toxic pollution of our air, soil, and water...superior schmerrior! I thought Buddhism might be different since the Buddha's teachings are non-descriminatory and available to all beings: Life is suffering, and there is a way out (develop virtue, concentration, and wisdom). He advised against rites and rituals and advised us all to walk our own path in harmony with others. My hope was that a religion based on these teachings would feel different than what I had experienced in the past, but it seems the male-dominated, money-driven fear mongering is here, too. *sigh* So to bring myself back in line with my own integrity, I feel more and more strongly that I need to get out of these robes.

I do like many aspects of monastic life, and I believe the theory is good. Renunciation, take only what you need, spend your days in quiet contemplation, do what needs to be done to take care of the body and the community, drop everything else. I have issue with the rampant gossip tollerated in the sangha, the lack of independence and the gender inequality (I have to ask the abbot for permission to travel, I cannot go alone; as a woman, I'm not allowed to meditate alone in the forest, nor even in a group of women if there is not a monastery near by (monks are encouraged to do this)...Maechee aren't technically even ordained. A male meditator (also 8 precepts/training rules) has higher status than an "ordained" Maechee by virtue of his gender). I wonder if I could just live my own form of renunciation and what that would look like. I have benefited in sense-restraint from wearing these robes and guarding my behavior to conform to the expected norm of a buddhist nun in Thailand. It's nice not to have to think about what to wear in when I get up in the morning (except to choose which of my 3 skirts, 4 shirts, and 3 robes to wear...generally only 1 or 2 are clean anyway...). But these robes and this shaved head are just another role to play in this world. Just another form.

Someone asked me about fear of damnation...I do not believe in damnation from anywhere outside the mind. The Buddha taught mind is the for-runner of the world. This is also the point of The Secret and the Universal Law of Attraction. The possibilities expanded in What the Bleep...We litterally create our experiences by what we think about. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts are unforgivable and you deserve to rot in hell for eternity, that will probably come to pass. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts were the best efforts/choices you could make given the circumstances/information you had, if you have taken steps to make ammends where possible, and forgiven and let go for yourself in all cases, you will be forgiven and live in peace. "Hell" is a concept of the mind. So is "Heaven." There is no blackboard in the sky that says Joe Schmo, Hellfire and damnation for 30,000 years...the only way Hell can manifest is if you create it for yourself. Forgive and let go. Satan is only as powerful as you allow him to be.

I am only just now discovering the blessings of Jesus's teachings. I was baptized at about 4 (one of my earliest memories, though I think I didn't really understand what was going on) and received Holy Communion and First Confession, went to Catholic school for 9 years, but I would not say I have ever been Christian, as that requires an understanding of Christ and his true teachings I feel I have never had. In High school AP European History I learned more about Catholocism and what people have done in it's name...that was very enlightening as to why I felt such rejection of the "faith" I grew up with. I look forward to learning more from ACIM when I get home.

I feel called to walk this path of contemplation informed and guided by my own heart more than the experiences of others. Others and their ideas/communications of truth/teachings can be a tremendous support, but ultimately we all embody our own consciousness, our own habitual perceptions, our own thought habits. We all have to walk our own path. I am getting closer to trusting myself instead of always looking outside for the answers. I am also learning patience to be with the questions themselves, which is tremendous grace! The letting go is still difficult. How to balance action which is needed to receive the gifts of the universe with surrender to higher guidance and the truth of each moment?

The mental image of the Buddha attacking Christ has gone away. Only saw that one maybe 3-4 times? Just acknowlege seeing seeing seeing. Like all conditioned phenomena and mental formations, it has passed away. I am not conscious of a fear of damnation in the eternal Hell after death sense...I believe I have done and continue to do as much service as I can and try to live kindly and lovingly day-to-day in line with virtue and integrity as much as I can. There is still some fear of judgement from others and myself, which I guess according to my own words above is a form of hell...I have lived feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness for at least 10 years. I cannot remember a time when I felt truely happy or like I fit in this world growing up. My own way was (and still is) rarely in line with others and their choices. With time, I am coming to value this more and more as a good thing and not a detriment. Changing that inadequate thought habit is a challenge though. I find sitting by flowing water to be tremendously healing...

I feel if I stay and continue in this practice and really give up "my" mind to the present moment, I will lose "my" life. When I tell my teacher I am afraid of this, he laughs...not out of cruelty, but because this is the point of the practice! He says he I am like a person wandering blindly in a dark tunnel. The practice brings one closer and closer to the light. Once I really see what is there in the light, I will lose my fear of leaving the dark tunnel. I wonder if the practice is really about this...what if it's just accepting the tunnel as it is? Just another experience?