A new way--the well story

Here's a story: a man is digging a well on his land to get water to nourish his crops. He picks one spot and digs down 10 feet. no water...figuring this is the wrong spot, he tries another. digs down 10 feet. no water...He tries this 10 times and just gets tired and frustrated. His seeds lay dormant in the soil--his approach will never nourish anything...if he had just stayed in one place and dug 100 feet, his same effort surely would have produced water... I wonder though...geologically, it's important to pick the right spot for well digging! Trying to dig through a bed of uplifted granite when the other side of your property has a shale capped aquifer is just foolish!

I obviously still have doubts about this place and what I'm doing here. I see a lot of unhappy nuns at this temple. As long as there are good benefits, and my heart keeps saying "STAY PUT!!!" when I think about running away, I'll continue to do so. My teacher insists I'm doing well and making good progress.

I am changing a lot, and fast...I hardly recognize myself in the mirror some days, which worries me a bit. Some things about the Theravadan practice are in complete contradiction with what I have come to believe about the world, how it works, and how to live in it well...though I admit a big part of why I'm here is that those perceptions were not leading me to a life of happiness and I'm wanting a new way. I long to taste other practices in the buffet of spiritual life (and what a range of flavors there are!), but gluttony of any form just leads to illness and lethargy...

I asked my teacher a question the other day: What does renunciation really mean? I feel like there is a thresh-hold in the practice I won't be able to get beyond if I am still grasping and clinging at adventures I want to have, friends I'm trying to stay in touch with, and geography/landscapes in the states that I miss. I feel like I'm already approaching that thresh-hold, but he said just stay in the present moment and do the practice. He said there are 2 forms of renunciation: the physical form of wearing robes and keeping the moral precepts (8 for maechee and lay people, 227 for monks), and the mental form of living only in the present moment and guarding the mind against defilements. I immediately recognized the second as the more important form and commented that was renunciation I can take home with me. He smiled and asked any idea when that might be? No...if the manager monk had not helped me with my one year visa, I might be looking to leave in earnest, but with that obligation, I will stay and just watch my restlessness as long as it feels right. He said good good. :)

One of my biggest challenges as long as I can remember has been self-medicating against emotions by over-eating. Before we eat here, we always recite this passage:

Wisely reflecting, I use this food (breathe) not for play, nor intoxication (breathe), not fattening, nor beautification (breathe). Only to maintain this body. To stay alive and healthy. To support the holy life (breathe). Contemplating, I will destroy the feeling of hunger (breathe) without creating a new feeling of overeating (breathe). Thus the process of life will continue: blameless, at ease, and in peace (breathe).

Thich Nhat Hahn teaches this reflection, which I also really like (first bring your attention to your heart and generate a feeling of loving kindness towards yourself and all beings):

In this bowl of food (breathe)
is the entire universe (breathe)
supporting my existence (breathe).
May it nourish me (breathe)
and through me (breathe)
benefit all beings (breathe).

What I am learning here is that tasting is just tasting, only an impermenant feeling. The satisfaction from a given food does not last. As long as the food nourishes this body for the activities of living, it doesn't really matter what it is. The most important lesson for me is that tomorrow, there will be more food. I have a terrible fear of scarcity... I don't remember a time when I didn't have enough to eat, so I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but it's totally irrational and irrelevant to my present moment. There is always enough!! No need to take too much...I'm learning more and more that I need very little. Leave the rest for others. As a result, I am the thinnest I have been since about 1995 and mentally I feel much lighter, too.

Two weeks ago, I began my third advanced meditation course. For this retreat, I took noble silence as best I could and abstained from sugar and evening drinks except herbal tea (no soy milk, yogurt, etc). My practice bore GREAT fruits. And the three times I broke this commitment (by eating desert at lunch one day (= 3 days of terrible anger...) and having drinks in the evening twice (= sore stomach and reduced concentration)), I immediately paid the price. That's one thing about this temple, the karmic feedback is pretty immediate...

I've been on meditation retreat for about 45 days now (except one rest day back in March) and I'm not supposed to go out of the temple much. My teacher went out of town last night and I decided I wanted a rest today. I guess when the cat's away...It's a good lesson to see this in myself. It feels a lot like when I went home to UT and nearly stopped the formal practice completely...I'm going to have to be self-accountable about this work, or what is the point in doing it? No one can walk this path for me. I must do the work for myself.