I was reflecting today on why I felt so unhappy growing up. My mom tells me I was a very calm baby, but I don't remember much before about 4 years-old. I remember being quick to anger a lot when I was young--I remember my mom telling me what "good mad faces" I was making to make me laugh, which I did, but then I was frustrated because I was feeling anger but unable to express it. I believe my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time. It took me 25 years to find a guide in Utah, and this vipassana work, to develop skills to deal with Anger.
I strongly recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's book Creating True Peace--it should be required reading for all beings capable of reading! It's a very direct, simple guide to handling strong emotions in daily life and cultivating respect, compassion, and loving kindness in our hearts. In this life, I've had a lot of confusion around my strong emotions (and there are many); where they came from, and how to just be with them and let them go I think is the main source of my unhappiness. Since on a superficial level, external events often seem to trigger strong emotions, I got into the habit of criticizing my external environment as the cause of my suffering/emotions, and therefore I decided maybe there was a geographic "somewhere else" that would not trigger them so I could be happy. Thus the thought pattern "I don't want to be here anymore" evolved and started carving a groove into this mind. Being here meditating in Thailand has helped me see all this. Watching What the Bleep and The Secret and learning how the mind creates the external environment laid a good foundation for the meditation work I'm doing. What a powerful tool Vipassana is.
That's my best synopsis from this vantage point. As wisdom develops, perhaps more will unfold. For now, I am training myself to just keep doing what needs to be done in the present moment and let everything else go. It is a much simplier, happier way to live.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
What makes you feel good?
A good friend recently sent me this: eating ice cream makes me feel better, but it does not make me feel good...so what makes me feel good?
I thought that was an awesome observation and point of reflection. Off the top of my head: Hiking, singing, baking, giving (time, stuff, inspiration, etc), listening, loving, biking, talking with friends about spiritual/heart stuff, swimming, eating good healthy food in moderation, yoga, meditation (when it doesn't suck...). These things take care of this body and mind and make me feel good. It's interesting to me how many things are on that list above meditation! and how many of them I do exclusively at home and cannot do at the temple without breaking my monastic training rules... My favorite good-feeling generator is being of service to others from a pure hearted place in myself, which I can do here at the temple. Life here is frustrating to the hilt at times, that's sometimes the fastest way to grow. I know I am still in the right place to learn right now. Thanks for your support, everyone! much love to all. :)
I thought that was an awesome observation and point of reflection. Off the top of my head: Hiking, singing, baking, giving (time, stuff, inspiration, etc), listening, loving, biking, talking with friends about spiritual/heart stuff, swimming, eating good healthy food in moderation, yoga, meditation (when it doesn't suck...). These things take care of this body and mind and make me feel good. It's interesting to me how many things are on that list above meditation! and how many of them I do exclusively at home and cannot do at the temple without breaking my monastic training rules... My favorite good-feeling generator is being of service to others from a pure hearted place in myself, which I can do here at the temple. Life here is frustrating to the hilt at times, that's sometimes the fastest way to grow. I know I am still in the right place to learn right now. Thanks for your support, everyone! much love to all. :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Living in a Grateful World
Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,
for they have reinforced your determination.
Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.
Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.
Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent.
Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.
Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have incresed your wisdom and concentration.
Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm and Resolute
and Helped in your Achievement.
--From the teachings of Venerable Master Chin Kung
for they have reinforced your determination.
Be grateful to those who have deceived you,
for they have deepened your insight.
Be grateful to those who have hit you,
for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.
Be grateful to those who have abandoned you,
for they have taught you to be independent.
Be grateful to those who have made you stumble,
for they have strengthened your ability.
Be grateful to those who have denounced you,
for they have incresed your wisdom and concentration.
Be grateful to those who have made you
Firm and Resolute
and Helped in your Achievement.
--From the teachings of Venerable Master Chin Kung
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Monastic living: pros and cons
So I have a theory that Earth is a cosmic insane asylum. Temples in Thailand seem no exception... It's been very educational to watch my neighbors and the behaviors they choose day-to-day...and the results of those choices!
It's entirely possible leaving will leave a hole in my experience that I'm not anticipating...I think that depends a lot (entirely?) on the mindset I cultivate in the last of my time here. I have a lot of grattitude for all I've learned here, for my teacher's unending patience, for the support of this community that welcomed me as a foreigner and supports all my physical needs on a donation basis. I believe our experience in this life is energy. I believe the energy of the environment affects the energy of the body. It seems important in today's world to develop the power of the mind to guard our "selves" in whatever energy field/environment we find ourselves in. As far as choosing a place to live and a way to be in this world, I think it's easiest to feel love and joy in loving joyous places. I believe this is why the desert is such a healing place. The stillness and purity of the energy cycles of wild places...reminds us of who we are underneath the civilized, cultivated, often neurotic venier...Leaving this temple is just another step on a long journey home.
There are tremendous dangers in being an imposter of any sort, religious or otherwise! My intent in ordaining was 1) to get the visa to stay longer, 2) to deepen the meditation practice, and 3) to experience monastic living. I chucked organized religion in 4th grade when my Catholic elementary school principal told me humans are superior to other living beings because we have an immortal soul and they don't, specifically that my horse didn't have a soul. I said BS! I have never viewed humans as superior. Quite frankly, I think we've f'd things up for ourselves and all beings and the world would be better off without us and our cities, cars, airplanes (all of which I live in, use, and am grateful for!), shortcutting nature's cycles (ie storm drains and waste water treatment in most big cities shortcuts the water cycle), and toxic pollution of our air, soil, and water...superior schmerrior! I thought Buddhism might be different since the Buddha's teachings are non-descriminatory and available to all beings: Life is suffering, and there is a way out (develop virtue, concentration, and wisdom). He advised against rites and rituals and advised us all to walk our own path in harmony with others. My hope was that a religion based on these teachings would feel different than what I had experienced in the past, but it seems the male-dominated, money-driven fear mongering is here, too. *sigh* So to bring myself back in line with my own integrity, I feel more and more strongly that I need to get out of these robes.
I do like many aspects of monastic life, and I believe the theory is good. Renunciation, take only what you need, spend your days in quiet contemplation, do what needs to be done to take care of the body and the community, drop everything else. I have issue with the rampant gossip tollerated in the sangha, the lack of independence and the gender inequality (I have to ask the abbot for permission to travel, I cannot go alone; as a woman, I'm not allowed to meditate alone in the forest, nor even in a group of women if there is not a monastery near by (monks are encouraged to do this)...Maechee aren't technically even ordained. A male meditator (also 8 precepts/training rules) has higher status than an "ordained" Maechee by virtue of his gender). I wonder if I could just live my own form of renunciation and what that would look like. I have benefited in sense-restraint from wearing these robes and guarding my behavior to conform to the expected norm of a buddhist nun in Thailand. It's nice not to have to think about what to wear in when I get up in the morning (except to choose which of my 3 skirts, 4 shirts, and 3 robes to wear...generally only 1 or 2 are clean anyway...). But these robes and this shaved head are just another role to play in this world. Just another form.
Someone asked me about fear of damnation...I do not believe in damnation from anywhere outside the mind. The Buddha taught mind is the for-runner of the world. This is also the point of The Secret and the Universal Law of Attraction. The possibilities expanded in What the Bleep...We litterally create our experiences by what we think about. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts are unforgivable and you deserve to rot in hell for eternity, that will probably come to pass. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts were the best efforts/choices you could make given the circumstances/information you had, if you have taken steps to make ammends where possible, and forgiven and let go for yourself in all cases, you will be forgiven and live in peace. "Hell" is a concept of the mind. So is "Heaven." There is no blackboard in the sky that says Joe Schmo, Hellfire and damnation for 30,000 years...the only way Hell can manifest is if you create it for yourself. Forgive and let go. Satan is only as powerful as you allow him to be.
I am only just now discovering the blessings of Jesus's teachings. I was baptized at about 4 (one of my earliest memories, though I think I didn't really understand what was going on) and received Holy Communion and First Confession, went to Catholic school for 9 years, but I would not say I have ever been Christian, as that requires an understanding of Christ and his true teachings I feel I have never had. In High school AP European History I learned more about Catholocism and what people have done in it's name...that was very enlightening as to why I felt such rejection of the "faith" I grew up with. I look forward to learning more from ACIM when I get home.
I feel called to walk this path of contemplation informed and guided by my own heart more than the experiences of others. Others and their ideas/communications of truth/teachings can be a tremendous support, but ultimately we all embody our own consciousness, our own habitual perceptions, our own thought habits. We all have to walk our own path. I am getting closer to trusting myself instead of always looking outside for the answers. I am also learning patience to be with the questions themselves, which is tremendous grace! The letting go is still difficult. How to balance action which is needed to receive the gifts of the universe with surrender to higher guidance and the truth of each moment?
The mental image of the Buddha attacking Christ has gone away. Only saw that one maybe 3-4 times? Just acknowlege seeing seeing seeing. Like all conditioned phenomena and mental formations, it has passed away. I am not conscious of a fear of damnation in the eternal Hell after death sense...I believe I have done and continue to do as much service as I can and try to live kindly and lovingly day-to-day in line with virtue and integrity as much as I can. There is still some fear of judgement from others and myself, which I guess according to my own words above is a form of hell...I have lived feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness for at least 10 years. I cannot remember a time when I felt truely happy or like I fit in this world growing up. My own way was (and still is) rarely in line with others and their choices. With time, I am coming to value this more and more as a good thing and not a detriment. Changing that inadequate thought habit is a challenge though. I find sitting by flowing water to be tremendously healing...
I feel if I stay and continue in this practice and really give up "my" mind to the present moment, I will lose "my" life. When I tell my teacher I am afraid of this, he laughs...not out of cruelty, but because this is the point of the practice! He says he I am like a person wandering blindly in a dark tunnel. The practice brings one closer and closer to the light. Once I really see what is there in the light, I will lose my fear of leaving the dark tunnel. I wonder if the practice is really about this...what if it's just accepting the tunnel as it is? Just another experience?
It's entirely possible leaving will leave a hole in my experience that I'm not anticipating...I think that depends a lot (entirely?) on the mindset I cultivate in the last of my time here. I have a lot of grattitude for all I've learned here, for my teacher's unending patience, for the support of this community that welcomed me as a foreigner and supports all my physical needs on a donation basis. I believe our experience in this life is energy. I believe the energy of the environment affects the energy of the body. It seems important in today's world to develop the power of the mind to guard our "selves" in whatever energy field/environment we find ourselves in. As far as choosing a place to live and a way to be in this world, I think it's easiest to feel love and joy in loving joyous places. I believe this is why the desert is such a healing place. The stillness and purity of the energy cycles of wild places...reminds us of who we are underneath the civilized, cultivated, often neurotic venier...Leaving this temple is just another step on a long journey home.
There are tremendous dangers in being an imposter of any sort, religious or otherwise! My intent in ordaining was 1) to get the visa to stay longer, 2) to deepen the meditation practice, and 3) to experience monastic living. I chucked organized religion in 4th grade when my Catholic elementary school principal told me humans are superior to other living beings because we have an immortal soul and they don't, specifically that my horse didn't have a soul. I said BS! I have never viewed humans as superior. Quite frankly, I think we've f'd things up for ourselves and all beings and the world would be better off without us and our cities, cars, airplanes (all of which I live in, use, and am grateful for!), shortcutting nature's cycles (ie storm drains and waste water treatment in most big cities shortcuts the water cycle), and toxic pollution of our air, soil, and water...superior schmerrior! I thought Buddhism might be different since the Buddha's teachings are non-descriminatory and available to all beings: Life is suffering, and there is a way out (develop virtue, concentration, and wisdom). He advised against rites and rituals and advised us all to walk our own path in harmony with others. My hope was that a religion based on these teachings would feel different than what I had experienced in the past, but it seems the male-dominated, money-driven fear mongering is here, too. *sigh* So to bring myself back in line with my own integrity, I feel more and more strongly that I need to get out of these robes.
I do like many aspects of monastic life, and I believe the theory is good. Renunciation, take only what you need, spend your days in quiet contemplation, do what needs to be done to take care of the body and the community, drop everything else. I have issue with the rampant gossip tollerated in the sangha, the lack of independence and the gender inequality (I have to ask the abbot for permission to travel, I cannot go alone; as a woman, I'm not allowed to meditate alone in the forest, nor even in a group of women if there is not a monastery near by (monks are encouraged to do this)...Maechee aren't technically even ordained. A male meditator (also 8 precepts/training rules) has higher status than an "ordained" Maechee by virtue of his gender). I wonder if I could just live my own form of renunciation and what that would look like. I have benefited in sense-restraint from wearing these robes and guarding my behavior to conform to the expected norm of a buddhist nun in Thailand. It's nice not to have to think about what to wear in when I get up in the morning (except to choose which of my 3 skirts, 4 shirts, and 3 robes to wear...generally only 1 or 2 are clean anyway...). But these robes and this shaved head are just another role to play in this world. Just another form.
Someone asked me about fear of damnation...I do not believe in damnation from anywhere outside the mind. The Buddha taught mind is the for-runner of the world. This is also the point of The Secret and the Universal Law of Attraction. The possibilities expanded in What the Bleep...We litterally create our experiences by what we think about. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts are unforgivable and you deserve to rot in hell for eternity, that will probably come to pass. If you believe your past actions, speech, and thoughts were the best efforts/choices you could make given the circumstances/information you had, if you have taken steps to make ammends where possible, and forgiven and let go for yourself in all cases, you will be forgiven and live in peace. "Hell" is a concept of the mind. So is "Heaven." There is no blackboard in the sky that says Joe Schmo, Hellfire and damnation for 30,000 years...the only way Hell can manifest is if you create it for yourself. Forgive and let go. Satan is only as powerful as you allow him to be.
I am only just now discovering the blessings of Jesus's teachings. I was baptized at about 4 (one of my earliest memories, though I think I didn't really understand what was going on) and received Holy Communion and First Confession, went to Catholic school for 9 years, but I would not say I have ever been Christian, as that requires an understanding of Christ and his true teachings I feel I have never had. In High school AP European History I learned more about Catholocism and what people have done in it's name...that was very enlightening as to why I felt such rejection of the "faith" I grew up with. I look forward to learning more from ACIM when I get home.
I feel called to walk this path of contemplation informed and guided by my own heart more than the experiences of others. Others and their ideas/communications of truth/teachings can be a tremendous support, but ultimately we all embody our own consciousness, our own habitual perceptions, our own thought habits. We all have to walk our own path. I am getting closer to trusting myself instead of always looking outside for the answers. I am also learning patience to be with the questions themselves, which is tremendous grace! The letting go is still difficult. How to balance action which is needed to receive the gifts of the universe with surrender to higher guidance and the truth of each moment?
The mental image of the Buddha attacking Christ has gone away. Only saw that one maybe 3-4 times? Just acknowlege seeing seeing seeing. Like all conditioned phenomena and mental formations, it has passed away. I am not conscious of a fear of damnation in the eternal Hell after death sense...I believe I have done and continue to do as much service as I can and try to live kindly and lovingly day-to-day in line with virtue and integrity as much as I can. There is still some fear of judgement from others and myself, which I guess according to my own words above is a form of hell...I have lived feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness for at least 10 years. I cannot remember a time when I felt truely happy or like I fit in this world growing up. My own way was (and still is) rarely in line with others and their choices. With time, I am coming to value this more and more as a good thing and not a detriment. Changing that inadequate thought habit is a challenge though. I find sitting by flowing water to be tremendously healing...
I feel if I stay and continue in this practice and really give up "my" mind to the present moment, I will lose "my" life. When I tell my teacher I am afraid of this, he laughs...not out of cruelty, but because this is the point of the practice! He says he I am like a person wandering blindly in a dark tunnel. The practice brings one closer and closer to the light. Once I really see what is there in the light, I will lose my fear of leaving the dark tunnel. I wonder if the practice is really about this...what if it's just accepting the tunnel as it is? Just another experience?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Stream reflections: Mind is like this...
I certainly misunderstand many things in this world. That's why I'm here!! lol... How to see clearly?
I was sitting this morning by a little river/storm drainage ditch that runs through the temple. I switched back and forth between closed eyed inner awareness and open eyed outer looking for an hour (would I give myself this time to reflect back home in the states?). I watched lights arise and pass away in the mind. Felt the abdomen rise and fall and the touch of hard concrete under my seatbones and ankles. Heard sounds of birds, doors, insects. Felt ants crawling under my robes (difficult to remain still and mindfull then)...I opened my eyes and saw light and shadow dance on the stream's surface ripples. Saw the brown murky water carrying silt particles and rotten leaves of various geometry, size, and stage of decay doing summersaults up to the surface and then passing back underneath the stream, out of sight. All things in the stream (including molecules of "water," just "hydrogen" and "oxygen" linked by energy--all energy forms themselves!) traveling along in the flow towards who knows where (a bigger river and ultimately the ocean...but out of my immediate sight). Flower petals and tiny leaves fall from the trees above and float lightly along the surface, rising and falling, rising and falling; rolling along above the wavelettes. What is it to see the stream?
I think to myself, mind is like this. Pure at the source, unseeable, unknowable except through the light it reflects, the shape of the channel it flows in, or the impurities it carries along the journey to the ocean. The Buddha's way teaches going against the current. Purify and return to the source. Rumi says let go and follow the stream to it's end, the ocean--also the source (for headwaters are only the surface appearance of rain, condensation of ocean water raised by the sun). It's all linked in the unending hydrological cycle. Is there really a way out? Is that really the goal anyway? Maybe this life really is just about letting go, loving all the other "water molecules," "silt particles," and "decaying leaves" in the stream with you, and enjoying the journey!
I wonder what it's like to be around me these days. Mostly, the women at this temple are not trustworthy, the monks are not to be associated with, and so I keep to myself. In spite of the 4th precept to abstain from harsh speech, gossip, lying, slander, etc, this is a human society and gossip is queen.
I've been laughing at myself a lot these last few days--it's been nice. :) The epic "struggle" to get out. Of these robes? of this sexist country? of this self-depreciating mind? of the habits that keep "me" rolling in suffering and chaos? My intent for this year is to disolve the ego and know the truth of this body-mind...This stage towards that goal is believing what I want out of is this body-mind and it's tortured terrestrial experience, which is ultimately only torturous because of conditioned habitual perceptions/reactions. (My teacher says as long as there is body and mind, there is suffering. But I don't understand--wasn't the Buddha and all the arahants that became enlightened before and after him free from suffering? Pain, certainly, but the whole point of walking this path towards insight is the end of suffering! But they still breathed and spoke and walked around in their bodies...how can that be true? Can't we choose not to react and therefor get free of suffering while still living in these bodies and minds?) Seeing my self-defeatest and doubting thought patterns arising again and again from who knows how many lifetimes back. Contemplating the possibilities if one chooses to see love and beauty instead of hate and fear. Mind creates the world. What if I let go of creating suffering? Just love and bless everything! Let go of everything. Perhaps it is enough to just sit alone and breathe. Maybe there does not need to be more than that...
I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here on this planet again. I have the distinct sense I've been a Thai forest monk, but I left something undone. Or perhaps kept trying to end the cycle through doing instead of complete unequivocal surrender? Live love.
I look at the delivery truck driver that just pulled up at the shop next to the internet patio. I wonder what he would think of these musings? What energies his thoughts are devoted to...I hope it's a good thing we all live on different thought planets...
I was sitting this morning by a little river/storm drainage ditch that runs through the temple. I switched back and forth between closed eyed inner awareness and open eyed outer looking for an hour (would I give myself this time to reflect back home in the states?). I watched lights arise and pass away in the mind. Felt the abdomen rise and fall and the touch of hard concrete under my seatbones and ankles. Heard sounds of birds, doors, insects. Felt ants crawling under my robes (difficult to remain still and mindfull then)...I opened my eyes and saw light and shadow dance on the stream's surface ripples. Saw the brown murky water carrying silt particles and rotten leaves of various geometry, size, and stage of decay doing summersaults up to the surface and then passing back underneath the stream, out of sight. All things in the stream (including molecules of "water," just "hydrogen" and "oxygen" linked by energy--all energy forms themselves!) traveling along in the flow towards who knows where (a bigger river and ultimately the ocean...but out of my immediate sight). Flower petals and tiny leaves fall from the trees above and float lightly along the surface, rising and falling, rising and falling; rolling along above the wavelettes. What is it to see the stream?
I think to myself, mind is like this. Pure at the source, unseeable, unknowable except through the light it reflects, the shape of the channel it flows in, or the impurities it carries along the journey to the ocean. The Buddha's way teaches going against the current. Purify and return to the source. Rumi says let go and follow the stream to it's end, the ocean--also the source (for headwaters are only the surface appearance of rain, condensation of ocean water raised by the sun). It's all linked in the unending hydrological cycle. Is there really a way out? Is that really the goal anyway? Maybe this life really is just about letting go, loving all the other "water molecules," "silt particles," and "decaying leaves" in the stream with you, and enjoying the journey!
I wonder what it's like to be around me these days. Mostly, the women at this temple are not trustworthy, the monks are not to be associated with, and so I keep to myself. In spite of the 4th precept to abstain from harsh speech, gossip, lying, slander, etc, this is a human society and gossip is queen.
I've been laughing at myself a lot these last few days--it's been nice. :) The epic "struggle" to get out. Of these robes? of this sexist country? of this self-depreciating mind? of the habits that keep "me" rolling in suffering and chaos? My intent for this year is to disolve the ego and know the truth of this body-mind...This stage towards that goal is believing what I want out of is this body-mind and it's tortured terrestrial experience, which is ultimately only torturous because of conditioned habitual perceptions/reactions. (My teacher says as long as there is body and mind, there is suffering. But I don't understand--wasn't the Buddha and all the arahants that became enlightened before and after him free from suffering? Pain, certainly, but the whole point of walking this path towards insight is the end of suffering! But they still breathed and spoke and walked around in their bodies...how can that be true? Can't we choose not to react and therefor get free of suffering while still living in these bodies and minds?) Seeing my self-defeatest and doubting thought patterns arising again and again from who knows how many lifetimes back. Contemplating the possibilities if one chooses to see love and beauty instead of hate and fear. Mind creates the world. What if I let go of creating suffering? Just love and bless everything! Let go of everything. Perhaps it is enough to just sit alone and breathe. Maybe there does not need to be more than that...
I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here on this planet again. I have the distinct sense I've been a Thai forest monk, but I left something undone. Or perhaps kept trying to end the cycle through doing instead of complete unequivocal surrender? Live love.
I look at the delivery truck driver that just pulled up at the shop next to the internet patio. I wonder what he would think of these musings? What energies his thoughts are devoted to...I hope it's a good thing we all live on different thought planets...
Sunday, July 08, 2007
The Abbot's Dhamma
I talked to my abbot last night expecting to take about 5-15 minutes of his time...an hour and twenty minutes later, he was still patiently addressing my doubts and explaining the dhamma to me! Much of what he said made sense. To be careful not to run away from a Tiger into the mouth of a Crocodile (problems we do not stand and face just show up down the road in other forms) and I said I know, I've been doing that for years. He said Mara (the Buddhist personification of temptation) is whispering in my ear. I said I know. I said I would practice about it for a few more days and he said good. He did not give me permission to disrobe, but he also did not say I could not. He said Mahayana Buddhism will get me to the goal of liberation from this suffering body-mind, but it is a longer road.
I am beginning to see that the suffering I've been sitting with in this practice is not because there's something wrong with the practice, but because I have such a long history of thoughts and speech conducive to suffering (I hate my life, I don't want to be here anymore, etc...) and now I'm sitting and watching the kamma bear fruit. I feel though that these thoughts are born of fear and the opposite of fear is love. Cultivating loving kindness has been so powerful. I think more of that will go farther to balance and liberate this mind than continuing to sit in suffering until it eventually loses power over "me"..."me" IS suffering!! How does seeing that clearly help me to let go?? oy. what a task this spiritual journey is. Thank God for spirit, cuz otherwise none of this life makes any sense (and the Buddha denied the existance of spirit, as far as I can tell, though there are angels and heavenly rhelms, so...???)...
I am beginning to see that the suffering I've been sitting with in this practice is not because there's something wrong with the practice, but because I have such a long history of thoughts and speech conducive to suffering (I hate my life, I don't want to be here anymore, etc...) and now I'm sitting and watching the kamma bear fruit. I feel though that these thoughts are born of fear and the opposite of fear is love. Cultivating loving kindness has been so powerful. I think more of that will go farther to balance and liberate this mind than continuing to sit in suffering until it eventually loses power over "me"..."me" IS suffering!! How does seeing that clearly help me to let go?? oy. what a task this spiritual journey is. Thank God for spirit, cuz otherwise none of this life makes any sense (and the Buddha denied the existance of spirit, as far as I can tell, though there are angels and heavenly rhelms, so...???)...
Saturday, June 30, 2007
To disrobe or not to disrobe (mental images and the Belief-O-Matic)
Time seems pretty irrelevant these days. One present moment unfolds out of the last, and so the days progress. I've been ordained over 5 months now and I feel my time as a nun is coming to a close (see my Belief-O-Matic results at the end of this email). My teacher said I have to ask the abbot's permission to disrobe and he's on bedrest to recover from eye surgery until July 15th, so I'm not sure when it will be possible to talk to him... I am feeling like I should be out of Thailand en route to Japan by July 14th! And I don't want to make plans to leave until I have permission to go...My teacher gave me a challenge to be as present as I can in the time I have left before I leave (hopefully this means he thinks I'll be able to go!). That was wise of him. I'm a rise to the challenge kind of girl, so I'm doing the best I can.
I'm back from the GORGEOUS forest monestary I visited last week (http://sanku.sirimangalo.org/gallery). The teacher there is a Canadian monk who's been ordained 5 years here. My intent in the visit was to learn from a western buddhist as a last-ditch effort to see if Therevada is right for me. He has an amazing unshakable faith in this technique (though he teaches it in exclusion of all other paths...I remain wary of any spiritual path that preaches it's the Only Way). Talking to him and practicing in that beautiful quiet environment (sooo different from Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong (http://watchomtong.sirimangalo.org/)) planted some good thought seeds and gave me some energy to continue to try, but I returned to my home temple with a strong resolve to disrobe and get out of this religion and this country, at least for a while. I told my teacher here at Wat Phradhat that I'm grateful for his patience, guidance, and the growth I've experienced here, but I just can't grasp some of the Therevadan teachings at this time. It's kinda funny...I've become more inclined towards the teachings of Christ (especially as revealed in A Course In Miracles) since I've been ordained as a Buddhist...
Some neat stuff has been coming up from the practice over the last few months I've been meaning to share: mental images coming up in the meditations beginning with an opening of the heart center. I get this felt-sense of warmth rising up through my whole body and often tingling all over. Then the heart opens and a brilliant white light shines out. The first time this happened, a series of about 20 winged-sufi hearts flew out in a line from my chest, circled around my room for a while, then flew off into the temple and the universe beyond. Another time, I saw a vision of a fat, sky-blue buddha, lauging and reclining among white clouds. This felt like a realization of my compassionate Buddha nature. He appeared in my meditations sporadically for 3 or 4 days, then one day about a week later the image sortof froze, became 2 dimentional, and began rotating. It looked like he went from an animated heavenly being to a cardboard painting. After a few revolutions, the edge of the "cardboard" image shrank to a point and *blip*, disappeared. I haven't seen him since. Frustrated a bit with the Therevadan Buddhist teachings, ya think? There have also more recently been images of Jesus's serene face appearing in the light from my open heart (either wearing the crown of thorns with blood dripping down his temples and into his eyes, or clean and long haired like the Sacred Heart portrait), teaching about universal love and compassion and unity. I cannot hear his voice, but it is my felt-sense that this is the teaching he is giving. While Jesus is talking, out of the sky-blue background, I see Gautama the Buddha sneak up on Jesus and whack him one on the back of the head with a 2'x4'! ouch!
What I'm feeling about Therevadan Buddhism is they pass on the Buddha's teaching of individual liberation from suffering through dispassion towards and disenchantment with this world. From what I've read outside the Therevadan tradition is that Buddha also taught a lot of loving-kindness, joy, and compassion for others that seems rather glossed over in what I've been taught here. I also acknowledge that I have felt a lot of suffering in this lifetime and have had to sit and look at that in this practice. Not such a comfortable task...so "my" perception of the teachings is colored by my own suffering as I go through the process. It seems to me that fear and duality is the cause of ego-attachment and human suffering. To go into the suffering and learn equanimity towards it may be one way to let go of suffering. But how about developing generosity and joy to the extent that attachment and suffering can no longer exist? I draw on the classic garden analogy: all beings contain seeds of love and fear. Love is truth, fear is from the illusion of lack and separation. We have a limited time in these bodies on this planet--shall we spend our efforts in spiritual growth on uprooting fear (as manifested in the Buddhist "defilements" of greed, anger, and the dillusional belief in self), or developing unconditional Love for all beings? The two endeavors can certainly unfold together, and if there are some really gnarly fear-weeds, I suppose they must be faced and removed (forgiven and released) before the soil is ready to support Love growth. But once the biggest fears have been faced, it seems to me energy spent cultivating Love is more fruitful than energy spent killing weeds. More fun, too!
I must admit, though, the practice of present moment awareness and vipassana meditation has given me some really beautiful insight. Today, I was acknowledging feelings of anger, sadness, and fear as I walked mindfully (right, left, right, left with each foot-fall) across the temple grounds to the kitchen for breakfast at 6AM, but I noticed I had a smile on my face! That's odd, I thought. I brought my attention to the felt-sense in my body and realized my torso felt pretty empty (there's been the sense of a smooth stone in my lower abdomen for a few days now as I argue for and against leaving and compare fears of obligations and disappointing others and myself, versus following what I believe to be divine guidance in the heart to move on...). The "emotions" I was acknowledging were what I expected to feel based on the circumstances I am in (feeling trapped by these robes and needing the abbot's permission for leaving the temple and being unable to travel alone because of my gender), not what I was actually feeling in the moment! I realigned to what was really there (relaxed, empty) and felt a measure of awe for the fruits of this technique "I" am trying so desperately to discount and run away from. Also while sweeping, it has come to me that changing bodies does not alleviate suffering any more than changing geography does. It's just a new environment to learn in. Might as well make the best of the learning available in the environment I'm in, instead of wasting this time wishing to be somewhere else...
On a more worldly note, I went to my first Thailand AA meeting in Chiang Mai yesterday--my 13 years sobriety from alcohol birthday is in a week and I had to be in town for my 90-day visa check in anyway (gotta go every 90 days and tell them I'm still a nun and still live at Wat Phradhat). Interesting. It was a room full of 40-50-60 something, mostly overweight white men and one other young (20-something?) white woman. Very different than our little Wayne County meeting in Utah. I attended in my ankle-length white robes, of course...with a shorn head and prayer beads around my neck, an open heart, serene countenance and gentle smile (it was a good day), I imagine I'm quite the sight at an AA meeting! When they invited me to share my story, the chairperson said We expect great wisdom from you! with a laugh. And I replied, Expectations'll lead you to disappointment every time! Another man said That's wisdom right there. lol. It was fun. I shared about how I'd been doing some experimental drinking from 12-14-ish and at about 14 my dad told me (tears beginning to roll down my cheeks...) that when you drink or use drugs to impare your consciousness, that's time you're not really alive, and you can't get that time back. That made a huge impression on me and I'm very grateful to for it. That conversation in the car on the way to a friend's house got me through college sober (a monumental feat, I think)...I shared how after this experimental drinking phase and that talk when I decided mind-altering substances would not have a place in my life, that I turned to food to dull the crushing emotional pain I didn't understand nor know how to cope with. After the meeting, one member told me they have Overeater's Anonymous Monday, Wednesday and Friday! I've never been to one of those. I imagine it will be pretty powerful to meet a fellowship of folks sharing my issue more directly. I hope to go in a few days if I can...
And for those who haven't seen the Belief-O-Matic, it's a pretty cool website for us seekers that would like a view of which religious belief system might offer the best guidance on our personal progression towards truth (or just feel like having a good laugh). This is part of why I want to disrobe and go to Japan to live on an organic farm in the mountains and check out Zen practice:
My Results:
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (98%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (89%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. Liberal Quakers (83%)
6. Scientology (81%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (78%)
8. New Thought (77%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (70%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (70%)
11. Taoism (70%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (69%)
13. Reform Judaism (65%)
14. Hinduism (65%)
15. Secular Humanism (57%)
16. Jainism (56%)
17. Bahแ'ํ Faith (53%)
18. Sikhism (51%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (39%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (36%)
23. Islam (35%)
24. Nontheist (31%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (23%)
27. Roman Catholic (23%)
(I was raised Roman Catholic...)
Much love to all beings! Be happy, be peaceful, be well! Maechee (for now) Mare :)
I'm back from the GORGEOUS forest monestary I visited last week (http://sanku.sirimangalo.org/gallery). The teacher there is a Canadian monk who's been ordained 5 years here. My intent in the visit was to learn from a western buddhist as a last-ditch effort to see if Therevada is right for me. He has an amazing unshakable faith in this technique (though he teaches it in exclusion of all other paths...I remain wary of any spiritual path that preaches it's the Only Way). Talking to him and practicing in that beautiful quiet environment (sooo different from Wat Phradhat Sri Chomtong (http://watchomtong.sirimangalo.org/)) planted some good thought seeds and gave me some energy to continue to try, but I returned to my home temple with a strong resolve to disrobe and get out of this religion and this country, at least for a while. I told my teacher here at Wat Phradhat that I'm grateful for his patience, guidance, and the growth I've experienced here, but I just can't grasp some of the Therevadan teachings at this time. It's kinda funny...I've become more inclined towards the teachings of Christ (especially as revealed in A Course In Miracles) since I've been ordained as a Buddhist...
Some neat stuff has been coming up from the practice over the last few months I've been meaning to share: mental images coming up in the meditations beginning with an opening of the heart center. I get this felt-sense of warmth rising up through my whole body and often tingling all over. Then the heart opens and a brilliant white light shines out. The first time this happened, a series of about 20 winged-sufi hearts flew out in a line from my chest, circled around my room for a while, then flew off into the temple and the universe beyond. Another time, I saw a vision of a fat, sky-blue buddha, lauging and reclining among white clouds. This felt like a realization of my compassionate Buddha nature. He appeared in my meditations sporadically for 3 or 4 days, then one day about a week later the image sortof froze, became 2 dimentional, and began rotating. It looked like he went from an animated heavenly being to a cardboard painting. After a few revolutions, the edge of the "cardboard" image shrank to a point and *blip*, disappeared. I haven't seen him since. Frustrated a bit with the Therevadan Buddhist teachings, ya think? There have also more recently been images of Jesus's serene face appearing in the light from my open heart (either wearing the crown of thorns with blood dripping down his temples and into his eyes, or clean and long haired like the Sacred Heart portrait), teaching about universal love and compassion and unity. I cannot hear his voice, but it is my felt-sense that this is the teaching he is giving. While Jesus is talking, out of the sky-blue background, I see Gautama the Buddha sneak up on Jesus and whack him one on the back of the head with a 2'x4'! ouch!
What I'm feeling about Therevadan Buddhism is they pass on the Buddha's teaching of individual liberation from suffering through dispassion towards and disenchantment with this world. From what I've read outside the Therevadan tradition is that Buddha also taught a lot of loving-kindness, joy, and compassion for others that seems rather glossed over in what I've been taught here. I also acknowledge that I have felt a lot of suffering in this lifetime and have had to sit and look at that in this practice. Not such a comfortable task...so "my" perception of the teachings is colored by my own suffering as I go through the process. It seems to me that fear and duality is the cause of ego-attachment and human suffering. To go into the suffering and learn equanimity towards it may be one way to let go of suffering. But how about developing generosity and joy to the extent that attachment and suffering can no longer exist? I draw on the classic garden analogy: all beings contain seeds of love and fear. Love is truth, fear is from the illusion of lack and separation. We have a limited time in these bodies on this planet--shall we spend our efforts in spiritual growth on uprooting fear (as manifested in the Buddhist "defilements" of greed, anger, and the dillusional belief in self), or developing unconditional Love for all beings? The two endeavors can certainly unfold together, and if there are some really gnarly fear-weeds, I suppose they must be faced and removed (forgiven and released) before the soil is ready to support Love growth. But once the biggest fears have been faced, it seems to me energy spent cultivating Love is more fruitful than energy spent killing weeds. More fun, too!
I must admit, though, the practice of present moment awareness and vipassana meditation has given me some really beautiful insight. Today, I was acknowledging feelings of anger, sadness, and fear as I walked mindfully (right, left, right, left with each foot-fall) across the temple grounds to the kitchen for breakfast at 6AM, but I noticed I had a smile on my face! That's odd, I thought. I brought my attention to the felt-sense in my body and realized my torso felt pretty empty (there's been the sense of a smooth stone in my lower abdomen for a few days now as I argue for and against leaving and compare fears of obligations and disappointing others and myself, versus following what I believe to be divine guidance in the heart to move on...). The "emotions" I was acknowledging were what I expected to feel based on the circumstances I am in (feeling trapped by these robes and needing the abbot's permission for leaving the temple and being unable to travel alone because of my gender), not what I was actually feeling in the moment! I realigned to what was really there (relaxed, empty) and felt a measure of awe for the fruits of this technique "I" am trying so desperately to discount and run away from. Also while sweeping, it has come to me that changing bodies does not alleviate suffering any more than changing geography does. It's just a new environment to learn in. Might as well make the best of the learning available in the environment I'm in, instead of wasting this time wishing to be somewhere else...
On a more worldly note, I went to my first Thailand AA meeting in Chiang Mai yesterday--my 13 years sobriety from alcohol birthday is in a week and I had to be in town for my 90-day visa check in anyway (gotta go every 90 days and tell them I'm still a nun and still live at Wat Phradhat). Interesting. It was a room full of 40-50-60 something, mostly overweight white men and one other young (20-something?) white woman. Very different than our little Wayne County meeting in Utah. I attended in my ankle-length white robes, of course...with a shorn head and prayer beads around my neck, an open heart, serene countenance and gentle smile (it was a good day), I imagine I'm quite the sight at an AA meeting! When they invited me to share my story, the chairperson said We expect great wisdom from you! with a laugh. And I replied, Expectations'll lead you to disappointment every time! Another man said That's wisdom right there. lol. It was fun. I shared about how I'd been doing some experimental drinking from 12-14-ish and at about 14 my dad told me (tears beginning to roll down my cheeks...) that when you drink or use drugs to impare your consciousness, that's time you're not really alive, and you can't get that time back. That made a huge impression on me and I'm very grateful to for it. That conversation in the car on the way to a friend's house got me through college sober (a monumental feat, I think)...I shared how after this experimental drinking phase and that talk when I decided mind-altering substances would not have a place in my life, that I turned to food to dull the crushing emotional pain I didn't understand nor know how to cope with. After the meeting, one member told me they have Overeater's Anonymous Monday, Wednesday and Friday! I've never been to one of those. I imagine it will be pretty powerful to meet a fellowship of folks sharing my issue more directly. I hope to go in a few days if I can...
And for those who haven't seen the Belief-O-Matic, it's a pretty cool website for us seekers that would like a view of which religious belief system might offer the best guidance on our personal progression towards truth (or just feel like having a good laugh). This is part of why I want to disrobe and go to Japan to live on an organic farm in the mountains and check out Zen practice:
My Results:
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (98%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (89%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. Liberal Quakers (83%)
6. Scientology (81%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (78%)
8. New Thought (77%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (70%)
10. Orthodox Quaker (70%)
11. Taoism (70%)
12. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (69%)
13. Reform Judaism (65%)
14. Hinduism (65%)
15. Secular Humanism (57%)
16. Jainism (56%)
17. Bahแ'ํ Faith (53%)
18. Sikhism (51%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (41%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (39%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (36%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (36%)
23. Islam (35%)
24. Nontheist (31%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (23%)
27. Roman Catholic (23%)
(I was raised Roman Catholic...)
Much love to all beings! Be happy, be peaceful, be well! Maechee (for now) Mare :)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Rumi's inspirations
Been finding a lot of spiritual inspiration and solace in Rumi again lately. It's amazing to me how after years of reading The Essential Rumi by the flip-through method, there are still tons of poems I haven't seen! Many of them right next to poems I've read lots of times!! Well, when the student is ready, the inspiration speaks.
I hope to type the poems to share inspiration, but I'm not interested in using my time that way today. For those with the amazing and wonderful red and white book, I recommend P. 2, 22, *36*, 50, 70, *104*, 106, 109, 156, 193, 272, 334.
I hope to type the poems to share inspiration, but I'm not interested in using my time that way today. For those with the amazing and wonderful red and white book, I recommend P. 2, 22, *36*, 50, 70, *104*, 106, 109, 156, 193, 272, 334.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Man's position in Buddhism (according to Ven. K Sri Dhammananda)
Man gives laws to nature:
Law in the scientific sense is essentially a product of the human mind and has no meaning apart from man. There is more meaning in the statement that man gives law to nature than in its converse that nature gives laws to man. ~ Prof. Karl Pearson
Man is not ready made:
Man today is the result of millions of repetitions of thoughts and acts. He is not ready made; he becomes, and is still becoming. His character is predetermined by his own choice, the thought, the act, which he chooses, that by habit, he becomes. ~Venerable Piyadassi
The more I seek and look and begin to truely see, wisdom arises in me thus: Love Is. Seems to me this is the only possible sentence, and the Is may be superfluous.
Law in the scientific sense is essentially a product of the human mind and has no meaning apart from man. There is more meaning in the statement that man gives law to nature than in its converse that nature gives laws to man. ~ Prof. Karl Pearson
Man is not ready made:
Man today is the result of millions of repetitions of thoughts and acts. He is not ready made; he becomes, and is still becoming. His character is predetermined by his own choice, the thought, the act, which he chooses, that by habit, he becomes. ~Venerable Piyadassi
The more I seek and look and begin to truely see, wisdom arises in me thus: Love Is. Seems to me this is the only possible sentence, and the Is may be superfluous.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Insight from Video Google
You can't fight your way out of your solitude and you can't find anyone to love you more than you love yourself. That's the ego's search--desperately clinging to past and future (because it can't exist in the pure present moment), desperately longing for fullfillment from the outside and fostering an illusion of lack within, pushing away anything that might be anywhere close to fullfillment because true fulfillment would be egoic death. Read any Eckhart Tolle? Stillness Speaks, The Power of Now, or A New Earth? He gets it. And David Hoffmeister just changed my whole perspective on spiritual practice--he got enlightened working The Course in Miracles and now travels the world teaching love, well...teaching how to remove the obstacles we have put up against love, since love is inherant and can't be taught. I highly recommend checking him out on Video Google. I'm still going to continue under ordination with the vipassana meditation as long as my heart says it's right, but I'm definitely going to talk to my teacher about why Theravadans teach us to strive for enlightenment by inclining the mind toards seeing the loathsomeness of the body and the terrestrial experience and the inherrent suffering from the attachments our ignorance (aka egos) create, instead of just looking directly at the complete falseness of the whole dualistic system and letting it all drop! The body and this life are no more inherantly pain than they are inherantly pleasure...both are false! The chaos we think we live in arises from perfect stillness and that stillness is space and God (universal Kosmic Konsciousness/Nibbana...) and God is love and there's nothing else. We are here to experience. You can drop the misery at anytime. You can fit anywhere if you choose to. You don't have to make ammends to anyone. Love is free! The more you give away unconditionally, the more love will come back to you. This I Know is Truth. My heart says so.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
David Hoffmeister!
Check out Google Video and look for David Hoffmeister...wow. I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be a buddhist nun...love to all!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The Universal Law of Attraction at work
This week I'm visiting a sister temple to Wat Chomtong where I am ordained. Wat Doi Suttep--it's one of the most visited tourist sites in Chiang Mai and for good reason. Back in the 1300's, they put a famous Buddha relic on an Elephant and followed him up the mountain. When he stopped, they built Wat Doi Suttep! There are some AMAZING jackfruit trees here--3' in diameter and 80' tall. The biggest one I've seen elsewhere was 1' diameter and maybe 35' tall?
Not too long ago, I emailed a few friends and wrote in my journal I was missing conversations about Kosmic Konsciousness and the possibilities that this world might not really work in the way we think it works...such conversations have been instrumental to my growth and spiritual development over the last few years and the Theravadan approach to life the universe and everything is not particularly satisfying for me at the moment. Well, guess what? I came to Wat Doi Suttep for a visit to see the place and found a Brittish woman ordained here who is a Reiki healer and loves What the Bleep and The Secret! We have had some phenomenal conversations. My practice is suffering a bit as I try to decide how Vipassana meditation fits with quantum physics. I think there's a place for it.
Not too long ago, I emailed a few friends and wrote in my journal I was missing conversations about Kosmic Konsciousness and the possibilities that this world might not really work in the way we think it works...such conversations have been instrumental to my growth and spiritual development over the last few years and the Theravadan approach to life the universe and everything is not particularly satisfying for me at the moment. Well, guess what? I came to Wat Doi Suttep for a visit to see the place and found a Brittish woman ordained here who is a Reiki healer and loves What the Bleep and The Secret! We have had some phenomenal conversations. My practice is suffering a bit as I try to decide how Vipassana meditation fits with quantum physics. I think there's a place for it.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The ONLY way?
I believe spiritual teachings advocating "my way is the only way" ought to hit the highway...my teacher says this vipassana method is the only way to total liberation from suffering. This put me off at first but I think I can stay here and learn a lot without committing to that dogma. It's difficult to let go of sufism and Rumi and singing. I also have trouble with the Theravadan idea "problem in the body but no problem in the mind? no problem." Two monks have told me it doesn't matter what I eat (meat or sugar in spite of the fact that both make me sick...) just take it like a medicine and use the sickness as a meditation object. I think what I eat and getting exercise is important to my quality of life. Though I guess this practice does not aim at living a high quality of life so much as transcending the self entirely to see the truth that we are all energy forms arising and passing away trillions of times each second. nothing lasting. nothing to be attached to. nothing here to suffer. realize this directly and be free?
so far my meditation has lead through tremendous periods of anger and ugliness and landed me in a place of considerably increased happiness and peace. I know I'm in for a few more rounds yet but it really seems to be helping. Seems to me the key to this work is not necessarily sitting still so much at total present moment awareness. Watching the breath is one way to refine this awareness.
I feel the most important thing I am learning here is not to react to my sense desires. I'm hoping to conquer my gluttony/emotional self-medication with food and let go of greed and anger.
I want to see the truth of this body-mind but I also want to find a way to live happily in the world. Not sure yet if the two co-exist. We'll see as I progress which path my heart ultimately chooses.
so far my meditation has lead through tremendous periods of anger and ugliness and landed me in a place of considerably increased happiness and peace. I know I'm in for a few more rounds yet but it really seems to be helping. Seems to me the key to this work is not necessarily sitting still so much at total present moment awareness. Watching the breath is one way to refine this awareness.
I feel the most important thing I am learning here is not to react to my sense desires. I'm hoping to conquer my gluttony/emotional self-medication with food and let go of greed and anger.
I want to see the truth of this body-mind but I also want to find a way to live happily in the world. Not sure yet if the two co-exist. We'll see as I progress which path my heart ultimately chooses.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Desiderata
Insight into ourselves is the best use of our time in this universe. I miss conversations about Kosmic Konsciousness...
I asked my soul what she was wanting to unfold right now (a question my awesome guide asked me at the end of the vision quest that cataylzed this journey) and found her sleeping! She said to just wait while she rests and the mind develops. When my mind is stronger, spirit will guide me on. Not to worry. all is well and in line with the greater good.
This poem has been great solice for me in trying times over the years and I'd like to share it:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
I asked my soul what she was wanting to unfold right now (a question my awesome guide asked me at the end of the vision quest that cataylzed this journey) and found her sleeping! She said to just wait while she rests and the mind develops. When my mind is stronger, spirit will guide me on. Not to worry. all is well and in line with the greater good.
This poem has been great solice for me in trying times over the years and I'd like to share it:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Toxic river of consciousness
Still living the monastic life, still periodically drowning in doubt and suffering, which are both states I am used to...sortof what I came here to come out of. The meditation practice is helping a lot (the last 3 days I've hardly practiced and my issues have come screaming to the surface...lol), but I am still holding onto some spiritual beliefs that 180 degrees contradict what theravadan buddhism teaches, so no wonder I'm suffering...I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream in a torrential flood--a muddy river carrying all sorts of pollution: regrets, worries, past arguments, things left unsaid that should have been said, things said that should not have been said, bad stupid movies that wasted my time, lots and lots of televions from my past go floating by...I'm barely staying put in this current trying to carry me away from the source, but I'll make it. At least my efforts are keeping me from backsliding and I'm getting stronger...
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Lotus blossom (poem)
I'm looking for a suitable place
to open this soul
and reveal the perfect pearl
in my heart.
To live in it.
To drown there.
I've been looking for a place
safe enough
beautiful enough
A community of like-minded folks
to nest with.
But perhaps,
like the lotus,
I should just root down in this mud
and blossom anyway.
to open this soul
and reveal the perfect pearl
in my heart.
To live in it.
To drown there.
I've been looking for a place
safe enough
beautiful enough
A community of like-minded folks
to nest with.
But perhaps,
like the lotus,
I should just root down in this mud
and blossom anyway.
How to pray?
I'm doubting a lot of theravadan teachings. I believe total renunciation is one way out of suffering, but it takes a long time of practicing to really see the fruits. and I'm not sure there's a way back if I fully commit, and in case it's wrong, or wrong for me, I'm screwed for the rest of this life...
Rumi says this: Everyone has been assigned a stable and a trainer. You may think you are making choices, but really the trainer is leading you around by the nose.
I find comfort in this. No matter what I choose, God/Is/Kosmic Konsciousness/Kamma from good deeds will lead me forward in growth and beauty on the right path. If I pass up opportunities out of fear, New ones will arise when I am ready. But in my head, I struggle with this idea versus the idea of manifesting and having to ask for what I really want in this life. Then I struggle with the idea of asking for what I want out of ego impulses and fear versus letting go and letting God and praying only for his will in my life and the courage to carry that out...
Rumi says this: Everyone has been assigned a stable and a trainer. You may think you are making choices, but really the trainer is leading you around by the nose.
I find comfort in this. No matter what I choose, God/Is/Kosmic Konsciousness/Kamma from good deeds will lead me forward in growth and beauty on the right path. If I pass up opportunities out of fear, New ones will arise when I am ready. But in my head, I struggle with this idea versus the idea of manifesting and having to ask for what I really want in this life. Then I struggle with the idea of asking for what I want out of ego impulses and fear versus letting go and letting God and praying only for his will in my life and the courage to carry that out...
A new way--the well story
Here's a story: a man is digging a well on his land to get water to nourish his crops. He picks one spot and digs down 10 feet. no water...figuring this is the wrong spot, he tries another. digs down 10 feet. no water...He tries this 10 times and just gets tired and frustrated. His seeds lay dormant in the soil--his approach will never nourish anything...if he had just stayed in one place and dug 100 feet, his same effort surely would have produced water... I wonder though...geologically, it's important to pick the right spot for well digging! Trying to dig through a bed of uplifted granite when the other side of your property has a shale capped aquifer is just foolish!
I obviously still have doubts about this place and what I'm doing here. I see a lot of unhappy nuns at this temple. As long as there are good benefits, and my heart keeps saying "STAY PUT!!!" when I think about running away, I'll continue to do so. My teacher insists I'm doing well and making good progress.
I am changing a lot, and fast...I hardly recognize myself in the mirror some days, which worries me a bit. Some things about the Theravadan practice are in complete contradiction with what I have come to believe about the world, how it works, and how to live in it well...though I admit a big part of why I'm here is that those perceptions were not leading me to a life of happiness and I'm wanting a new way. I long to taste other practices in the buffet of spiritual life (and what a range of flavors there are!), but gluttony of any form just leads to illness and lethargy...
I asked my teacher a question the other day: What does renunciation really mean? I feel like there is a thresh-hold in the practice I won't be able to get beyond if I am still grasping and clinging at adventures I want to have, friends I'm trying to stay in touch with, and geography/landscapes in the states that I miss. I feel like I'm already approaching that thresh-hold, but he said just stay in the present moment and do the practice. He said there are 2 forms of renunciation: the physical form of wearing robes and keeping the moral precepts (8 for maechee and lay people, 227 for monks), and the mental form of living only in the present moment and guarding the mind against defilements. I immediately recognized the second as the more important form and commented that was renunciation I can take home with me. He smiled and asked any idea when that might be? No...if the manager monk had not helped me with my one year visa, I might be looking to leave in earnest, but with that obligation, I will stay and just watch my restlessness as long as it feels right. He said good good. :)
One of my biggest challenges as long as I can remember has been self-medicating against emotions by over-eating. Before we eat here, we always recite this passage:
Wisely reflecting, I use this food (breathe) not for play, nor intoxication (breathe), not fattening, nor beautification (breathe). Only to maintain this body. To stay alive and healthy. To support the holy life (breathe). Contemplating, I will destroy the feeling of hunger (breathe) without creating a new feeling of overeating (breathe). Thus the process of life will continue: blameless, at ease, and in peace (breathe).
Thich Nhat Hahn teaches this reflection, which I also really like (first bring your attention to your heart and generate a feeling of loving kindness towards yourself and all beings):
In this bowl of food (breathe)
is the entire universe (breathe)
supporting my existence (breathe).
May it nourish me (breathe)
and through me (breathe)
benefit all beings (breathe).
What I am learning here is that tasting is just tasting, only an impermenant feeling. The satisfaction from a given food does not last. As long as the food nourishes this body for the activities of living, it doesn't really matter what it is. The most important lesson for me is that tomorrow, there will be more food. I have a terrible fear of scarcity... I don't remember a time when I didn't have enough to eat, so I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but it's totally irrational and irrelevant to my present moment. There is always enough!! No need to take too much...I'm learning more and more that I need very little. Leave the rest for others. As a result, I am the thinnest I have been since about 1995 and mentally I feel much lighter, too.
Two weeks ago, I began my third advanced meditation course. For this retreat, I took noble silence as best I could and abstained from sugar and evening drinks except herbal tea (no soy milk, yogurt, etc). My practice bore GREAT fruits. And the three times I broke this commitment (by eating desert at lunch one day (= 3 days of terrible anger...) and having drinks in the evening twice (= sore stomach and reduced concentration)), I immediately paid the price. That's one thing about this temple, the karmic feedback is pretty immediate...
I've been on meditation retreat for about 45 days now (except one rest day back in March) and I'm not supposed to go out of the temple much. My teacher went out of town last night and I decided I wanted a rest today. I guess when the cat's away...It's a good lesson to see this in myself. It feels a lot like when I went home to UT and nearly stopped the formal practice completely...I'm going to have to be self-accountable about this work, or what is the point in doing it? No one can walk this path for me. I must do the work for myself.
I obviously still have doubts about this place and what I'm doing here. I see a lot of unhappy nuns at this temple. As long as there are good benefits, and my heart keeps saying "STAY PUT!!!" when I think about running away, I'll continue to do so. My teacher insists I'm doing well and making good progress.
I am changing a lot, and fast...I hardly recognize myself in the mirror some days, which worries me a bit. Some things about the Theravadan practice are in complete contradiction with what I have come to believe about the world, how it works, and how to live in it well...though I admit a big part of why I'm here is that those perceptions were not leading me to a life of happiness and I'm wanting a new way. I long to taste other practices in the buffet of spiritual life (and what a range of flavors there are!), but gluttony of any form just leads to illness and lethargy...
I asked my teacher a question the other day: What does renunciation really mean? I feel like there is a thresh-hold in the practice I won't be able to get beyond if I am still grasping and clinging at adventures I want to have, friends I'm trying to stay in touch with, and geography/landscapes in the states that I miss. I feel like I'm already approaching that thresh-hold, but he said just stay in the present moment and do the practice. He said there are 2 forms of renunciation: the physical form of wearing robes and keeping the moral precepts (8 for maechee and lay people, 227 for monks), and the mental form of living only in the present moment and guarding the mind against defilements. I immediately recognized the second as the more important form and commented that was renunciation I can take home with me. He smiled and asked any idea when that might be? No...if the manager monk had not helped me with my one year visa, I might be looking to leave in earnest, but with that obligation, I will stay and just watch my restlessness as long as it feels right. He said good good. :)
One of my biggest challenges as long as I can remember has been self-medicating against emotions by over-eating. Before we eat here, we always recite this passage:
Wisely reflecting, I use this food (breathe) not for play, nor intoxication (breathe), not fattening, nor beautification (breathe). Only to maintain this body. To stay alive and healthy. To support the holy life (breathe). Contemplating, I will destroy the feeling of hunger (breathe) without creating a new feeling of overeating (breathe). Thus the process of life will continue: blameless, at ease, and in peace (breathe).
Thich Nhat Hahn teaches this reflection, which I also really like (first bring your attention to your heart and generate a feeling of loving kindness towards yourself and all beings):
In this bowl of food (breathe)
is the entire universe (breathe)
supporting my existence (breathe).
May it nourish me (breathe)
and through me (breathe)
benefit all beings (breathe).
What I am learning here is that tasting is just tasting, only an impermenant feeling. The satisfaction from a given food does not last. As long as the food nourishes this body for the activities of living, it doesn't really matter what it is. The most important lesson for me is that tomorrow, there will be more food. I have a terrible fear of scarcity... I don't remember a time when I didn't have enough to eat, so I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but it's totally irrational and irrelevant to my present moment. There is always enough!! No need to take too much...I'm learning more and more that I need very little. Leave the rest for others. As a result, I am the thinnest I have been since about 1995 and mentally I feel much lighter, too.
Two weeks ago, I began my third advanced meditation course. For this retreat, I took noble silence as best I could and abstained from sugar and evening drinks except herbal tea (no soy milk, yogurt, etc). My practice bore GREAT fruits. And the three times I broke this commitment (by eating desert at lunch one day (= 3 days of terrible anger...) and having drinks in the evening twice (= sore stomach and reduced concentration)), I immediately paid the price. That's one thing about this temple, the karmic feedback is pretty immediate...
I've been on meditation retreat for about 45 days now (except one rest day back in March) and I'm not supposed to go out of the temple much. My teacher went out of town last night and I decided I wanted a rest today. I guess when the cat's away...It's a good lesson to see this in myself. It feels a lot like when I went home to UT and nearly stopped the formal practice completely...I'm going to have to be self-accountable about this work, or what is the point in doing it? No one can walk this path for me. I must do the work for myself.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Birthday Celebration
As the individual is an illusion according to Buddhism (all conditioned things are impermenant, suffering, and non-self! This body is just elements...this mind is conditioned from ignorance and does not exist on its own), celebrating one's birthday is not really done. Temple tradition is to offer something to the monks and spend a day and night practicing in gratitude to one's parents (Thanks mom and dad!), so I made a small financial offering to the office and dedicated my practice on determination to my parents, especially my mom, for bringing me into this world and for their support all these years. What an incredible healing journey my family has been on this past year. I am so excited to be 27 and seeking on this path. It feels so right. Difficult a lot of the time, but so right. Peace and blessings to all!
My first 10 Day Yana Meditation Course
I just finished my first advanced course--trippy experience. Everyday you get a new piece of paper with that day's assignment. You walk one hour and sit one hour in alternation for 8-12 hours per day with a resolution that a given meditation absorption will appear. The names of the absorptions ("xyz" yanna in Thai, "xyz" jana in Sanskrit, I think) are in Pali and my teacher did not tell me what each one meant until after I had worked on it for the day. Each evening, I would go report to the teacher and explain my experiences (suffering suffering suffering, craving craving craving, thinking thinking thinking, feeling sad, missing home, feeling joy!, losing my balance, trying to find a way out of this suffering, thinking of generosity and experiencing 5 minutes of bliss, spending most of the 8th day in equanimity...). Somehow, my body-mind knew what the absorptions meant and manifested the appropriate conditions anyway! SO WEIRD... when the yanna was about knowing suffering, boy did I suffer! when the yanna was about seeing the way out of suffering, I sure suffered more, but then it broke and I did! craving is suffering and generosity is the end of craving and clinging! not like I live this on a daily basis yet, but it was nice to see. The last exercise before determination (see below) is equanimity. I thought I had done something wrong because no particular conditions seemed to arise, but turns out that's exactly right! wow...
It worked out that my determination (48 hours of meditation with no sleep and minimal breaks (theoretically...I fell asleep for 6 hours the last night this time)) began on my 27th birthday. I thought it would be cool to meditate all day as a birthday experience, but mostly I spent my determination time obsessing about the fabulously delicious cheesecake I want to bake (4" thick, light and fluffy, with a home-made applesauce, oat, walnut crust...homemade cranberry topping...drool forms just thinking about it) and the two versions of "sin cake" I want to make (7 layers of rich chocolatey deliciousness...). Missing friends and family and the mountains and the desert and my bicycle and singing. GOD I WANT TO SING SO BADLY!!! "Dawn is rising in our souls" has been in my head predominantly. I have been skipping chanting while on the meditation course, so that's probably part of the problem... It's interesting why my mind has returned to these obsessions lately. It hasn't been thinking of food too much for the last 6 weeks or so. oh well, I guess I just watch.
It worked out that my determination (48 hours of meditation with no sleep and minimal breaks (theoretically...I fell asleep for 6 hours the last night this time)) began on my 27th birthday. I thought it would be cool to meditate all day as a birthday experience, but mostly I spent my determination time obsessing about the fabulously delicious cheesecake I want to bake (4" thick, light and fluffy, with a home-made applesauce, oat, walnut crust...homemade cranberry topping...drool forms just thinking about it) and the two versions of "sin cake" I want to make (7 layers of rich chocolatey deliciousness...). Missing friends and family and the mountains and the desert and my bicycle and singing. GOD I WANT TO SING SO BADLY!!! "Dawn is rising in our souls" has been in my head predominantly. I have been skipping chanting while on the meditation course, so that's probably part of the problem... It's interesting why my mind has returned to these obsessions lately. It hasn't been thinking of food too much for the last 6 weeks or so. oh well, I guess I just watch.
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